Friday, March 30, 2007
Brewer dresses Pudding in a Spider-Man costume, and when it comes time to
leave his hotel room for a game, Brewer sits Pudding in front of the TV.
- From KSK, women have needed to create a blog to keep up with Keith Olbermann's subpar performances. Better poor performances than out of wedlock children.
- Suns lose to Warriors behind 8 threes from J-Rich. Seems like some people are looking ahead to the playoffs.
- Browns looking at acquiring Trent Green. Nothing like a shell-shocked, too old QB to turn around a struggling franchise.
- Guy runs around the world, finds a wife while he does it. Usually guys are running around the world to lose the wife they have.
- Big Stein's daughter divorcing husband and heir to Yankees. He lasted 23 years in this "miserable" marriage just to jump ship now when he's 2 to 3 years tops away from running the most valuable team in all of sports. Where were his advisers is all I can say?
- Michael Phelps breaks another record. Might as well keep this line copied and ready to paste as long as this whole swimming event keeps going on.
- Mark McGwire's statue, made for the outside of Busch, is gathering dust in a warehouse. He could request to have it moved to the Cheaters Hall of Fame but he doesn't want to talk about the past.
- D-Mat loves his early 90's movies. He must not have a DVD player yet.
- WVU wins NIT to claim title as most mediocre team in country.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
“The AVN Awards Experience”
Students and professors spend a week on site in Las Vegas at the AVN Award (AKA The Porn Oscars). The first few days are spent researching the local sex culture by visiting the many local whorehouses and strip clubs including the famous Bunny Ranch. Students will be required to know what exactly it feels like to pay for sex outside of a traditional relationship. The next two days are reading/viewing days as students “bone” up on the hundreds of movies up for awards, the biographies of the actors up for awards, and learning the history of porn through the exploits of the AVN Hall of Famers (which is no easy feat given that there are just under 200). Student will be tested on the bios and measurements of the actors and the plots of the films nominated (more than simply saying “the one with the pool guy” is required in this section). The Hall of Famers section will be utilized for the essay questions. The remaining time at the Awards show will be spent interviewing porn celebrities. Each student is required to interview three actors as well as produce one amateur film with one of the entertainers. Bonus points will be given to incorporating Hall of Famers and Best Newcummer nominees into the same film.
“The NAMBLA National Convention Experience”
Students and professors will converge on the SF headquarters of the North American Man Boy Love Association for their National Convention. Spending the weekend among the company of close to one thousand admitted homosexual child molesters is sure to provide a diverse experience that no student will soon forget. The night before the convention begins, each student will go along on a ride-along with a prominent NAMBLA officer. The student will be required to write a “how to” style paper detailing the techniques and strategies behind meeting young boys in the real world and away from the online realm. At the actual convention students will watch NAMBLA recruitment videos, read the new “How to Meet and Attract Young Boys” pamphlets, and listen to a speech from an ACLU lawyer detailing exactly how the US Constitution protects their child molesting club from prosecution but won’t let people bring a bottle of water on an airplane. There will be a multiple choice exam on the videos and pamphlets with the legal presentation as the basis of the essay question.
“The Aryan Brotherhood Experience”
Students spend five days behind bars with the nation’s largest white prison gang, The Aryan Brotherhood. Students will learn what it is like belong to the gang, prison economics, and prison gang organizational management. This class counts as a diversity requirement since the Caucasian population is the minority in the prison system. The class starts with an in depth immersion into the gang including an actual initiation of bloodily slaughtering another inmate and getting an appropriate shamrock tattoo. The next day includes a morning seminar in prison economics in which students will learn how to smuggle objects anally through the prison while making pass offs with visitors from the outside world. This session is followed by an afternoon session of bribing prison guards and properly adjusting the warden’s accounting ledger to hide the income. The next two days are spent learning the workings of the gang’s organizational management system, focusing on learning how the members of one prison communicate and manage members of another prison through notes written in invisible urine ink or somewhat sophisticated code. Also touched on will be an organizational discipline experience in which each student is individually gang raped in the showers by multiple inmates utilizing blunt and sharp objects. Students will be tested hypnotically to make sure that they are experiencing nightmares to verify that the prison rape actually occurred.
“The Bumfights Experience”
Students will immerse themselves in the culture of bum hunting and bum fighting by spending three days with the notoriously crazy bums of San Francisco. When students are finished with the course they will have a thorough understanding of the culture and lifestyle of bums that extends beyond just knowing that they stink and drink. Students accumulate one point for each bum that they kill themselves or two points for coercing two bums to kill each other for objects with a value of less than $5. Bonus points will be awarded to the student with the most imaginative and creative kills. For example a student last year tricked a bum into entering a shower that he had rigged into a Nazi style gas chamber. So creativity is rewarded. Note: For some majors this class may satisfy the school art requirement.
“The Sports Blogger Experience”
Each student will spend five days with a “famous” sports blogger. The class will consist of the student watching the blogger click around furiously on the Internet looking for anything that Deadspin has not put up yet interspersed with the blogger masturbating to homosexual erotica in 30 second clips on a free porn site. The student passes the course by deciding that this lifestyle is ridiculously boring and uneventful and then leaving the class by the third day. Staying past the third day results in an automatic failure because it is obvious at this point that the student has learned nothing.
Nothing like going out for a little jaunt on the grounds of your Long Island estate, lighting up a nice morning Cuban as you watch the sunrise over the coastal horizon. Then you find a severed leg. That is precisely what happened to James Dolan, CEO of Cablevision, the NY Knicks, and the NY Rangers. No word yet on whether the wash up is a random occurrence or a result of Dolan's "tough negotiation" style. Also in question is who the leg once belonged to (Penny Hardaway anyone?). Either way, whenever I cut off a guys leg I am careful to let the leg decompose in a bathtub full of hydrochloric acid so that it doesn't accidentally turn up if the tide is weird or a dog digs it up.
- CBA coach suspended after Jewish slurs. Weird that one minority would bash others.
- Urbina gets 14 years. Kind of a light sentence for attacking guys with a machete and pouring kerosene on them, but then again those years are gong to be in a Venezuelan jail where he will likely be eating rats and sleeping in swamp water.
- Michael Phelps breaks another world record. With the hot streak Phelps is on he should start playing the lottery.
- OJ Mayo misses the game winner at the McDonald's All American Game. Probably too busy posing for his Hall of Fame bust.
- Sabathia hit by linedrive in last spring training game. Third time in three springs that he's been injured. At least this time it has nothing to do with being fat.
- Ukraine swim coach suspended after hitting daughter at Worlds. Ukraine is not weak! It is strong!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Off the court, albeit pretty closely off the court, King James' son, Lebron Jr., caused some controversy by laying on a towel in front of the Cavs bench, inches from the court and the certain doom that could come from large falling athletes ala Dusty Baker's kid a few years ago. Though there were two ball boys stationed closely by to protect the Prince, I find it hard to believe that they would not save themselves if Eddie Curry's large belly came tumbling their way.
On the entertainment side of the one man industry that is Lebron, King James has signed on to co-host the ESPYs with Jimmy Kimmel. That night will be an important one for James if he wants to show that he has the comedic ability and stage presence to be an actor, which is no doubt a part of the plan to make Lebron the richest man in the world and a global icon. Here's to hoping that he can do better than Kazaam in the acting department.
Lebron also had some news in his personal life as the King is building a palace in a suburb of Akron to go with the house he already owns out there and the luxury apartment in downtown Cleveland. When completed the house will have over 35k square feet and include such amenities as a bowling alley, barber shop, and 11 bedrooms. Hopefully this major building project is a sign of commitment to the Cavs when LBJ becomes a free agent again after the 2009 or 2010 seasons.
Also worth noting is that the LBJ23 Nike brand will be getting plenty of exposure this weekend as the Ohio State Buckeyes play in the Final Four wearing the specially designed jerseys. After the close escapes the Buckeyes have lived through, it seems that enough of the Lebron magic might be present in the jerseys to make them a permanent OSU fixture.
It's a busy week in the life of a global icon and it won't get any easier when the playoffs roll around or the sure to be busy offseason filled with endorsements and public appearances. One has to wonder whether he is pulling a Michael Keaton in Multiplicity and simply having clones do his work for him. If anyone could pull off making a cloning machine, it would be Lebron.
- Frank Gore gets a new deal. Good thing for him since he probably only has a year or two left in those knees.
- Roger Federer loses match. Rivers run with blood. Death of first born child imminent.
- Old March Madness fame dies hard, crazy fans are tough to shake no matter how small a market you are playing in, and the ABA pays in chicken nuggets.
- Prime example of why chicks should not be sportswriters: They lack logic and reason.
- 350lb lineman can do a backflip. If NFL dreams fail, has career as sideshow freak as a fallback (or is it a flipback in this case?).
- Sidney Lowe's son is a criminal but not a Bungle, but team is likely impressed with the 22 charges pending against him..
- Chris Henry gets arrested again and is for sure a Bungle.
- OJ Mayo calls the shots in his life and give his cell number to no one.
- Could Dhani Jones soon be free to go dancin' in the streets?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Jorge Garbajosa landed awkwardly while defending a shot, displacing his ankle, breaking a bone, and damaging ligaments. Garbajosa could be out up to six months, severely hurting the Raptors playoff hopes this season and impacting them next year. For those not familiar with Garbajosa, he is the glue that holds the team together, providing outside shooting to keep big men from doubling Bosh, passing out of the post, and shot blocking on defense. Seems like these grotesque YouTube NBA injury clips are going around this year.
Rasheed Wallace sent the Pistons to overtime against the Nuggets when he drained a 60ft shot at the buzzer. It really should come as no surprise for anyone who watches pregame warm ups where Sheed regularly practices 40ft jumpers with either hand and hits a surprisingly high amount of these shots. Looks like the practice was worth it. Now he should practice not griping to the refs and focus on stealing Billups' Mr. Big Shot moniker.
- Eagles acquire Takeo Spikes from the Bills along with Kelly Holcomb, whom is no doubt soon to be on Momma McNabb's hitlist.
- Briggs to be a Redskin soon? 'Skins still expected to fail miserably next season.
- Three prospects accept invites to NFL Draft. Wonder who will be the Rashard Lewis of the green room invitees?
- Lidle's widow sues Snoopy over lack of payout.
- Artest to retire or play overseas? One surety is that he will be seeking attention.
- George Karl proves nepotism exists in the NBA.
- From the obvious file: Vegas police recommend charges against Pacman.
Monday, March 26, 2007
As much as it pains me to say that that douchebag does anything well, let alone well enough for me to enjoy watching him. He was hilarious on Saturday Night Live, which is no small feat in itself anymore with the garbage and unhumor that typically fills that show. Of course they had to show Eli as well. I'd love to see what Eli looked like getting hammered at the wrap party and hitting on the non-hot cast members.
- Hoyas beat UNC, which forgot that there was an overtime period to play.
- Florida victorious over the Ducks who came up short literally and figuratively all game long.
- Buckeyes beat Memphis using only Oden's age and maturity as weapons.
- UCLA over Kansas with a D reminiscent of the Pistons.
- Texans cut David Carr and Domanick Williams (i.e. Davis) without even getting a draft pick for the former #1 draft pick and 1000 yard rusher who are both in their mid-twenties. Talk about throwing talent away.
- Military officials poised to receive slaps on the wrist for lying about Pat Tillman's death.
- Tiger wins another championship (or is someone just showing the same video footage over and over again).
- Biggest idiot on TV ousted from MNF booth.
- NBA hits Arenas with fines stemming from $10 bets with fans. But don't tell him that he's quirky.
- D-Mat chosen in first round of my fantasy baseball league?
Friday, March 23, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Noted softie post player Josh McRoberts is forgoing his last two years of eligibility at Duke to declare for the WNBA draft. McRoberts has tired of the constant criticism at Duke for his lack of toughness in the post and the way he wilts defensively when larger, bigger boys start bumping into him (they even use their elbows sometimes, that's not allowed). Coach K, like any good Kindergarten teacher, grew tired of the crying and reluctance to take the next steps in life development and agreed it was time for him to move on to the WNBA. There he can be happy knowing that no one will make fun of his My Little Pony panties and he won't have to have the biggest set of balls on the team just because he plays the post. I hate Duke, but I will miss seeing McRoberts embarrass the title of McDonald's All American.
- Ohio U soccer player dies on Spring Break after drunken fall from five stories while climbing the side of the hotel. Ironically I did the same thing on SB, without falling of course.
- Fantasy Basketball seasons fall to ruin before playoffs with Villaneuva and Bogut out for season and Allen and Paul contemplating shutdowns. Proves that luck is more important than skill.
- Tony Dungy opposes gay marriage.
- Indemand offers to match DirecTV's baseball deal to bring the sport back to the masses. Of course since it's a match, baseball says that it's not enough money.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
All everyone can do for the moment is speculate. It is too early to tell if one of the dolphin carcasses that washed up on the beaches of Texas was a 6'4", 350lb black man who went to Ohio State. Wilkinson's dental records may have to be utilized to identify him. Then again he may simply be off in some secluded lagoon hideaway with a much younger female. Regardless scientists are taking no chances in figuring out what happened to Wilkinson and the other dolphins. They have brought in Mike Shanahan, Big Daddy's future coach and noted Ultimate Leader, to help sort through the situation by organizing the groups of scientists into research teams and consulting the horde of bounty hunters that he uses to scout players. The Ultimate Leader has utilized this team of bounty hunters during the acquisitions of Maurice Clarett, Gerard Warren, and Bill Romanowski.
- George Karl's son Cobi has cancer. Nothing to joke about there.
- Big Baby ready to turn pro. Reportedly has eyes on $106/day meal money.
- Bob Uecker still has stalkers? Is this stalker still going to be following him when he is in a home pissing in his depends while he holds a carrot like a microphone?
- Butch Davis has mouth cancer. I'm sure some deranged Browns fans might have a few things to say about karma.
- SF Giants stadium going solar. Probably to keep the naked Berkley tree people away from the diamond.
- Schaub traded to Texans. Vick free to celebrate in any way he wants...until it's time to drug test.
- Jerramy Stevens not coming back to Seattle. Maintenance workers at his condo break out into applause.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
So much for the days of scouts being fat old men that exist on a diet of fast food, cigars, and bourbon. Bonnie-Jill Laflin is an assistant GM and a NBA scout. You can see more photos of her here on her modelling website. Wow is all that I can say. Not many scouts can say that they were in Maxim's Hot 100. I bet if she ever makes it to an NBA team she will have trouble keeping free agents from jumping ship to play for her team, even if it is in a redo franchise in Vancouver. Not only is she hot but is also good at her job. She has won two championship rings as a scout with the Lakers (She also has a ring that she won as a cheerleader with the 49ers. I didn't even know they won rings). So in a nutshell, BJ is a world class knockout that is flexible and athletic enough to be a cheerleader and can have an intelligent sports conversation with you while probably watching more games than you. Where do I sign up for the long term contract?
A little Spring Break mud wrestling from South Padre and collegehumor to break up the monotony of the day. Typically the uglier beast like girl whoops on the hotter more attractive girl. But the hot girl probably enjoys being on her back and uses the flop on the back while holding onto the closest person maneuver to ensnare men into superficial and traumatizing relationships.
Brawls broke out in the stands at Madison Square Garden during a high school basketball game. The kids proved that they learned from the Pistons-Pacers brawl and then some. There were girls fighting guys, police in riot gear, and even gun fire. When I go to a high school basketball game the first thing I always remember to bring is my heat. That way I'm safe in case I get attacked by high school thugs or NBA thugs.
- Russian swimmers are tougher than jellyfish. Even when they get stung in the face.
- US Soccer great Cobi Jones is retiring. Who? He's probably sick of getting hounded by the press everywhere he goes.
- Crazy hippies at Berkley getting naked in the trees to keep new stadium from getting built. From With Leather. These same people probably deny the crazy homeless guys in SF their change.
- Hooters is opening a new restaurant in Israel. One of the last things I ever expected to read. Are they going to importing chicks to work there? How will these ditsy blonds respond to bombings and gunfire?
- According to Peter King, Lance Briggs a candidate to get traded to Patriots.
Monday, March 19, 2007
- Bikini Football. Great way to start the day courtesy of With Leather.
- Tiger not perfect. Possibly distracted by hot wife and vault full of cash.
- Survivor Richard Hatch survived the showers of prison, that "horrendous" place. He's going to write everyone a story telling what it was like.
- Ron Lewis made the most coldblooded three ever to keep my beloved Buckeyes alive in the tourney. Oden also jacked a guy sending the Mouseketeer flying.
- Wisconsin sent packing, along with Purdue, Indiana, Illinois, and Michgian State. In other news the world realizes that the Big Ten was overrated.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
When I read stories like this I laugh at the humorousness of what happened and the stiff neighbors reaction to the situation, or overreaction to be more appropriate. Since they are living in a condo, it is mostly filled with young professionals, single divorcees, or the elderly. My guess is that Stevens is not the only guy coming home from the bars a little too loud from a little too much whiskey. Chances are he is not the only guy strolling in with a group of drunken guys either. I'm sure that there are plenty of young stock brokers and lawyers partying till all hours each weekend and maybe even puking on decks themselves. The difference is that these guys are getting the benefit of a knock on the door the next day telling them to keep it down while everyone is afraid to do that to Stevens because they think he'll hit them with a baseball bat.
This is not a perilous situation in which the neighbors are helpless and living with fear. All they have to do is go over and knock on his door until someone answers, and tell the drunks to keep it quiet or they'll call the cops. If Stevens does beat them with a bat, it's like Christmas in whatever month the event happens in because it would be lawsuit heaven. The bottom line is that the residents are just wusses and afraid of even talking to a guy because he's big and black. If a guy is in your parking spot, you knock on his door and get him to move. Treat him like any old frat guy who is too loud and too drunk. He's no different. Hell he might even end up inviting you to his parties.
Friday, March 16, 2007
- NBA All-Star Game to go overseas? Trading thugs shooting bouncers for soccer hooligans flipping over cars and burning them? Seems like a great trade. Billy King must somehow be involved.
- Pippen still begging for teams...
- Kris Benson out for season with rotator cuff injury. Maybe it occurred from slapping around a certain person's funbags just a little too much?
- Streets of Chicago will be safe for four months.
- Scott Pollard want your kids to do drugs. No doubt that Josh Heytvelt blames him for his psychedelic problems.
- Big Daddy is MIA. Then again Miami is awfully close to the Bermuda Triangle...
- D-league guy has his own shoe? What? What's next? Best guy at Bally's gets a deal?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Questions should have arose earlier when an upper middle class child of affluence and education displayed such a hunger and drive to excel in a sport dominated by those growing up impoverished. And then there was the way he was able to "magically" extricate himself from legal responsibility after "allegedly" raping a hotel employee in Colorado. And now being able to drain jumpers while simultaneously smashing opponents in the face with an elbow. Kobe has just had too much coincidental magic happen during his career to think that he wasn't involved in witchcraft. Let's hope that David Stern can uncover the root of the evil in this equation and come up with an appropriate punishment for Kobe.
- Steve Nash is a cold blooded killer. Just nasty with the game on the line this year.
- Cavs heating up, starting to take control of the East. Watch out Pistons.
- Bucks fire Stotts, hire Krystkowiak. Getting rid of a no name and hiring a name no one can pronounce. Sounds like a plan to me.
- Gamecock's QB recruit Stephen Garcia enters counseling. The highly touted recruit is finally starting to build himself some national recognition, ala Willie Williams & Mo Clarett.
- Insane SI writer claims NHL is "sane" asylum of sports. April's Fools Day is a few weeks away. Or maybe he just likes it better because of the lack of a certain darker persuasion of people.
- Championship throws Manning off of usual routine (a cross between openly weeping, cursing the names of Belicheck and Brady, and filming excessively stupid commercials).
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
PETA can show up nude and covered in blood to stage a "die-in" in front of your local J.Crew. PETA can pass out children frightening horror movie style "unhappy" meals in front of McDonald's. But where are they when the animals actually needs them? Who is there to fight for Caesar's right to work and earn a living? If nothing else the organization should be there to cheer on one of its own as Caesar plows through human after evil human, skinning each combatant alive to create himself a nice leather bomber jacket. What kind of animal lovers can they really be if they don't relish the site of bears eating people?
- Lon Kruger speculated to be future Gophers coach. What was his record with the Hawks? Wait...is Kevin McHale ,the best GM in sports, running the Gophers?
- Belicheck getting ready to ride of into the sunset with one last Super Bowl ring that he won't have to share with his wife in the divorce settlement.
- Vincent Lecavalier was almost a Toronto Mapleleaf? Too bad for Vincent he couldn't be in a city that actually enjoys hockey.
- MJ to fire Bickerstaff as coach. If he takes over the duties himself, ala his rival Isiah, will he call Adam Morrison a "faggot"?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
One theory focuses on the school hoping that the story would fizzle out on its own before becoming a national item, thereby enabling the program to retain the recruiting advantage that it had in Pokey. For some reason or another, the brawny and beefy high school basketball players instantly hit it off with the playful Pokey. Maybe it was her giving nature, after all she did finish as LSU's all time assists leader, meaning that she knows a thing or two about putting other girls in a position to score. Firing Chatman would mean sacrificing the relationships that she has been able to strike up with recruits and risking that future prospects wouldn't enjoy the taste or flavor of the that the Tiger program had with Chatman.
Access has been restricted to players until the season is over, especially to questions about Chatman getting fired. School officials are fearful that with a little smooth talking the players would easily give up the goods.