Donkey Carnival

Oden & Conley - Together Again?

2007-05-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that the Blazers are trying to get another pick in the top ten so that they can select Ohio State PG and best friend of Greg Oden, Mike Conley. Some ways that this could be accomplished are by acquiring the Timberwolves #7 pick in some sort of Zach Randolph for Kevin Garnett deal. Another possibility would be trading Zach Randolph and one of thier surplus centers to the Grizzlies for the #4 pick and some surplus salaries that will go off the books soon. Either way I see Conley ending up with Oden as the Blazers have plenty of trade bait and any team out of the top 2 could be persuaded to make a deal.

Quick Flash 05/24/2007 - Kaitlin Sandeno

2007-05-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

The winner of last night's NBA game was...oh yeah, they didn't schedule a game so that they could really drag out the playoffs longer than they should.
Apolo Anton Ohno wins Dancing With the Stars and he did it without tripping any Koreans.
Clemens gets roughed up in minor league start. Must have been that 6-legged turkey he ate on the Madden Cruiser. Those things have a way of upsetting stomachs.
Penn State players will clean up the stadium after home games this season. I always knew that those guys were convicts. Now they're starting to act like them.
Yanks dump the loud mouthed Curt Schilling as the Sox get pasted.

Elijah Dukes Will Kill You

2007-05-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Elijah Dukes, with a tremendous show of his trademark calmness and rationality, left his wife a voicemail saying that he would kill her. Actually he said "You dead dawg. Your kids too." Nice work Elijah. Way to work the kids in their just in case she is one of those people that does not care about their own safety. I'm sure that Father's Day will be a great day for Dukes.

Meshawn Says "Throw Me the Mike"

2007-05-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Keyshawn Johnson "retired from the NFL" or as I like to call it, "could not find a job and had to go somewhere else to get paid to run his mouth." Keyshawn will join ESPN as he will likely serve as the theoretical replacement for the now departed Playmaker. At least Keyshawn should be able to interject more intelligent points than "yeah daaaawwwwgggg" and other Irvinisms that we have become accustomed to over the years.

Giambi Caught Cheating

2007-05-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

A few days after publicly announcing that he did "that stuff" back in the day, whatever that was supposed to mean, it became public knowledge that Jason Giambi failed a test for amphetamines. I'm sure that everyone is really very, very shocked that a guy like Giambi would bend the rules and use amphetamines to enhance his performance. Heck, he even used that other "stuff" before to enhance his performance. I actually am kind of surprised that Giambi was foolish enough to get busted for failing a drug test after he spend nearly two seasons in silent fear with Yankees, worried that they would void his monstrosity of a contract. I guess some guys just never learn.

Blazers Get Really Lucky

2007-05-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

The Portland Trail Blazers came out of the draft lottery with the #1 pick despite having only a 5% chance of pulling it off. The Sonics came in 2nd. None of the other spots really matter as there are only two franchise players in this draft. Let's take a look at a few lineup scenarios.

Blazers

SF Martel Webster

PF Zach Randolph

C Greg Oden

SG Brandon Roy

PG Jarrett Jack

Bench Lamarcus Aldridge

Bench Sergio Rodriguez

Bench Fred Jones

Sonics

SF Rashard Lewis

PF Kevin Durant

C Nick Collison

SG Ray Allen

PG Earl Watson

Bench Luke Ridnour

Bench Damien Wilkins

Bench Mickael Gelabale

With this draft pick the Blazers could go in a bunch of different directions. They have a glut of young talent and could conceivably trade Zach Randolph, another young player, and a big man for an available talent such as Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. The salaries would work out for either player and the teams will likely take a 20 and 10 guy like Randolph who when coupled with a young exciting player like Martel Webster, Jarret Jack, or Sergio Rodriguez and a big man like Jamal Magloire or Joel Pryzbilla would be very attractive to most any fan base.

The Sonics gain the flexibility to decide whether or not they really want to resign Rashard Lewis or use him in a sign and trade. Kevin Durant could fill in nicely at SF while they trade him for a defensive post player like Jermaine O'Neal, Drew Gooden, or David Lee.

Quick Flash 05/23/2007 - Anna Rawson

2007-05-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

After a nearly two week hiatus. The Donkey Carnival returns with a vengence.

Ducks eliminate Red Wings again, proving that a duck wearing a hockey mask will beat a tire with wings any day of the week.
Spurs go up on Jazz 2-0 as a boring Finals inches closer and closer.
Red Sox pound Yanks as they continue to dominate despite Manny and Drew still not hitting.
Nats continue their improbable hot streak as they drop the lowly Reds.

Joe Mauer Proves As Pathetic As Jesse Palmer

2007-05-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

Joe Mauer, recently named one of America's most eligible bachelors, is having to go the route of reality TV to find himself a mate. Though on the level of the pathetic display of Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor a few years ago, at least Mauer has not signed on for a 16 episode season. But on the other hand, Mauer will probably not get nearly the make out time that Jesse Palmer got. Either way Mauer should get a lot of responses what with his wealth, age, athleticism, good looks and surprisingly low standards of liking "all kinds of women: blondes, brunettes, it doesn't really matter."

Don't Drink The Water In China

2007-05-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

As China gets ready to host the next Summer Olympics, city officials warned incoming athletes not to drink water from the tap because though it is clean and safe to drink, it could be contaminated from substandard "secondary processes." What exactly these "secondary processes" are remains to be seen? Does the water get dumped dumped directly from the water treatment plant into a river that the neighboring village uses as a toilet due to the lack of plumbing? Does it flow past a "reeducation camp" that uses Chinese water "education" techniques to teach dissidents how to love the state? How will the water quality affect the Olympic Village hot tub orgies?

Quick Flash 05/10/2007 - Dara Torres

2007-05-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Warriors choke up in OT to fall two down to the Jazz as their Cinderella run looks over.
Suns even things up as Nash is able to stop bleeding enough to play most of the game and to frighten Tony Parker.
Stupidest article ever written. She should have her press pass revoked.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. leaving DEI in some hick NASCAR feud that makes no sense.
Roger Federer actually loses again. Some even think he is slumping.
Zumaya out 3 months with "non" Guitar Hero related finger injury.

Ortiz Not Sure If He Took 'Roids

2007-05-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

David Ortiz admitted that he may have unknowingly taken steroids as a younger ball player by taking unusual, unregulated supplements while in the Dominican Republic. He said that he may have accidentally drank steroids at one time or another in one of these mystery protein shakes. Hopefully Ortiz would have noticed if he was injected with needles while simultaneously drinking protein shake. "What's that David? You felt a prick in your arm? It was probably just a banana fly. You know how crazy they get this time of year."

Holyfield Set to Fight...at an Old Folks Home?

2007-05-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

In a great move for the sport of boxing, coming on the heels on the only relevant weekend in pro boxing in the last five years, Evander Holyfield is going to step back into the ring and continue his march to becoming a brain damaged vegetable. The 44-year-old is trying to regain the heavyweight title, which isn't the most far fetched scenario given the hapless state of heavyweight boxing, especially with about 7 belts up for grabs, most held by guys that got fired as bouncers from the local watering hole for their lack of crowd control abilities. Yes folks, boxing is alive and well in America.

Quick Flash 05/08/2007 - Amy Taylor

2007-05-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

Pistons beat Bulls like Hitler took over Poland. Quick, embarrassing, and with no challenge.
Rumors of a Dirk for KG swap this offseason? Rumors of a Phoenix jump up in this draft?
Steve Smith gets a sick contract, does not celebrate by cold cocking teammate in film session.
Red Wings advance to next round of playoffs. San Jose just could not put it together in sold out arena of crickets chirping.
The traitor Carlos Boozer grabs 20 boards as the Jazz beat the Warriors.
Chris Capuano shows his filthy, filthy stuff in shutout of weak Washington bats.

Steve Nash is a Cold-Blooded Bad Ass

2007-05-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

Steve Nash has been showing a killer instinct this year that is just not expected from a seemingly laid back Canadien with really long hair. Even though the Spurs won yesterday, Nash likely scared the bejesus out of them as he sat on the bench profusely bleeding from his wounded nose as he never flinched or lost the killer gaze in his eyes. He came upon the bleeding nose after a collision with Tony Parker's head. Parker, however, was the one who went down to the grown in a heap of tears and pain, writhing around like a wounded school girl. Nash merely walked away like nothing had even happened. Not even a wince of pain. I would be worried to be the Spurs or Tony Parker going forward.

Baseball Is Not Fair

2007-05-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

In yet another player signing that shows why baseball is the least competitive of the three major sports, Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement for a prorated contract of $28M to play for...ta da! - the hated Yankees, who already boast the highest payroll in the league by a large margin. Even though Clemens is soon to turn 60 and is probably using HGH at the very least, he should be a great addition to the Yankees' staff that is suffering greatly with the exception of Chien-Ming Wang. Either way I'm going to stick to the Donkey Carnival preseason prediction of the Yankees just missing out on the wildcard to the Tigers.

Mayweather Beats Oscar In a Split

2007-05-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

Floyd Mayweather ended boxing's biggest night in many, many years with a split decision victory over the Golden Boy, Oscar De La Hoya. Mayweather engineered his victory through unfathomable quickness that he used to dodge Oscar nearly 80% of the time he threw a punch. Sadly for boxing, Mayweather promptly retired after the bout, leaving boxing with another talent void to fill for the beleaguered sport. This has likely been boxing's last mega fight of the 00's as fans just have a tough time caring about the 99% of fighters that are just bums and has-beens that are being paraded around the ring as legitimate fighters.

Quick Flash 05/07/2007 - Gisela Dulko

2007-05-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Warren Sapp loses 40lbs. Could he be the new Trimspa spokesperson?
Cavs drop the Nets as the supporting cast comes up big for Lebron.
Brewers move to best record in baseball as Donkey Carnival predictions continue to do well so far.
Tiger wins Wachovia as no one is surprised.
Amaechi underestimated America in terms of its reaction to his coming out. Maybe what he really underestimated was our lack of ability to be shocked or really care about anything.
Van Gundy to follow old mantra: When the going gets tough, quit.
Atlanta CB get caught with guns and E, but at least he's not involved in dog fighting.

Mavs Crap The Bed

2007-05-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

What else is there to say when your MVP caliber player comes up with only 8 points in one of the most important games of his career? Losing to an 8 seed after winning 67 games. Nice work fellas.

Quick Flash 05/04/2007 - Jackie Frank

2007-05-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

A great fake blog written by "Carl Pavano."
Jazz beat Rockets to force game 7, AK-47 has to postpone plans for offseason "cheat" weekend.
Artest gets 100 hours of community service and ten days of a work project. No word yet on whether the work project will involve setting up a community dog fighting center.
Vick was connected to pit bull breeding at the dog fighting house via a website.
Randy Moss not really the jerk he is made out to be.

Brady Quinn Likes To Fondle Men...err, Young Men.

2007-05-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Looking back on Brady Quinn in high school, it is easy to see how he made a transition to the QB position. Look how effortlessly he he places his hands onto the crotch of another male. The smoothness and grace with which he enters another man's legs and then removes them with the arrival of the ball without so much as a pubic hair out of place. Browns fans will be proud of his blue collar tenacity and toughness. And his silly boyish giggle. Tee hee.

Traylor Gets In Trouble For Something Not Involving Food.

2007-05-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Robert "Tractor" Traylor, besides proving that a fat and lazy guy can make millions just based on being 6'9" or taller, has also proved the theory that the only thing that should be laundered is dirty clothing and large bibs from all-you-can-eat buffets. Traylor is facing charges of laundering $4M of drug money for his cousin, who happened to be the greatest marijuana kingpin in the city of Detroit's history (which is probably the equivalent of breaking Hank Aaron's HR record). In addition to the laundering charges, Traylor is facing tax evasion charges for claiming a loss on the two apartment buildings purchased in his name with drug money from his cousin. Traylor is not considered a flight risk while awaiting trial as the law has gone so far as to allow him to travel to Spain to play basketball. They must know that all they need to find Traylor again is leave a plate of pork products and sugar cookies by the rear door of the jail.

Quick Flash 05/03/2007 - Tara Lipinski

2007-05-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

Beckett wins again as he moves to 6-0. Could this finally be the Beckett we've waited all these years to see for a full season?
Red Wings win in OT to even the series against the Sharks.
Suns finish off the Lakers. Kobe plans relaxing trip to Colorado...maybe not.
Nuggets go down to Spurs, realize they won't get much better than they are now and just give up.
Cardinals get swept and whooped by the Brew Crew with the team so shocked by the death of Josh Hancock that they are swinging the bats like drunk drivers.
Brandon Roy wins Rookie of the Year as "Roy wins ROY" headlines abound.

Quick Flash 05/02/2007 - Erica Blasberg

2007-05-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Warriors come close to sealing the deal with the Mavs, but the Mavs throw on the chastity belt at the last minute.
Raptors win one as Jose Calderon has the game of his anonymous life.
Yanks prove you can't buy your way past bad luck as Hughes joins the ranks of injured starters after he was hurt while in the midst of a no-hitter.
Tribe pounds the Jays as C.C. picks up his 4th win.
Cardinals continue tribute to fallen teammate by getting massacred just like he did, except they aren't drunk.
Meshawn cut after Panthers draft younger version in Jarrett.
Marcus Vick cut, lock up your teenage girls and stay away from McDonald's.
Bucs collect another turd. And this one is too big to flush.

Brady Quinn: The Lost Draft Moments

2007-05-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

1:14 – Commissioner Goodell escorts Brady Quinn and his entourage away from the draft green room into a private room in the back with no cameras.

1:15 – Brady: Did I get picked? Is this where you go when you get picked by a team? Was that whole Dolphins taking Ginn thing a joke? Am I on Punk’d?

Goodell: (with a quizzical look on his face) No. I just wanted to move you and your family back here so that you could get some privacy from the media.

1:16 – Brady: So I really haven’t been picked yet?

Goodell: No.

1:17 – Brady bursts into tears and starts wailing in a high pitched moan. Goodell shakes his head as he rolls his eyes. Lindy Slinger, Quinn’s girlfriend, does not even notice what is happening as she files her nails.

**Note: For those of you outside of Ohio, Quinn’s girlfriend is from an affluent Columbus suburb called Dublin which is notorious around Ohio for having immensely insane, vacuous, gold digging women on par with the Paris Hilton’s of the world.

1:19 – Laura Quinn-Hawk can’t stand the sight of her brother’s tears anymore. She begins to cry profusely just on one side of her face while the other side maintains a perfect (for her) smile. Goodell is freaked out and excuses himself from the room.

1:27 – Quinn begins to get control of himself after he spent a few minutes laying in his mother’s lap as she sang him a lullaby and held a warm cloth to his forehead.

1:28 – Michael Vick pops in the door.

Vick: Have you guys seen my dogs anywhere?

Quinn is reminded that the Browns passed over him with the 3rd pick for an ugly player that will never grace the cover of a men’s magazine. He begins to wail like a school girl in despair again. Vick exits. One of his tears spills onto Lindy’s hand. She wipes it off and curiously looks at the ceiling to see if it is raining.

1:31 – Brady’s dad gets him under control again after a few well-timed backhands to the face and a reminder that his makeup is running. Quinn calls for his makeup guy to rectify the problem.

1:33 – Makeup guy arrives and begins to reapply foundation and places an ice mask around the eyes to lessen the puffiness from the crying and the backhands.

1:42 – Brady checks his cell phone for a signal. He asks Lindy to call it to make sure that the phone is working. Lindy replies that she can’t because she deleted his number from her phone a few minutes ago. Brady looks puzzled. She informs him that she does not date losers and will be leaving him if he is not drafted by 2:00 and getting back together with her old boyfriend whose dad owns a prominent Ohio garden supply manufacturing company.

1:44 – Brady sits stunned wearing the “Manning Face” as his life crumbles around him and his expectations are shattered.

Brady: I’ll be back I need to use the restroom.

Mom: #1 or #2?

Brady: (quietly to his Mom): Mom, don’t embarrass me in front of Lindy.

Mom: Well you heard her, she’s not going to be her girlfriend for much longer anyway so I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m always going to be your mom.

Laura: Yeah Brade. Deuce or a piss? You shoulda seen the deuce I dropped a few hours ago. I wish I had my camera phone with me.

Brady: I have to go tinkle. I’ll be back soon.

2:00 – No one has called. Tom Condon can’t even do the Rosenhaus “pretending to talk to people on the phone” trick because they are not on camera. Brady has not returned from his tinkle. Lindy picks up her purse and leaves the room without saying anything.

2:03 – Mom gets worried about her baby boy and checks the men’s room. Brady is not in there. She checks the women’s room because sometimes Brady likes to sit down in an aroma of potpourri while he tinkles. He is not in there either. She calls security fearing a kidnapping.

2:16 – After a frantic search, security finds Brady in the private parking garage idling in his new Hummer. The windows are down and he is attempting to take deep breaths of carbon monoxide. There is a note on the passenger seat that reads:

Good Bye everyone who loves me. Especially you Brent Musberger. I want to apologize for not living up to my potential. I worked real hard and tried my best but other people make the picks. I’m sorry Lindy. I’m sorry Mom and Dad. Laura, keep the house safe from prowlers while I am gone. Let me say for the record that the Hummer H2’s leather, overstuffed seats are the crowning achievement in the world of luxury automobiles in terms of comfort and quality. If I had to pick a place to die, there is no better than the H2 while I listen to my favorite iPod songs and shed tears of infinite sadness onto the stain resistant leather.

Brady

2:20 – Mom rushes onto the scene in tears, grabs Brady off of the stretcher where he is looking at his cell phone and starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. The attempted CPR turns into a strange kissing-like scene. One of the paramedics vomits in his mouth and turns away to save his eyesight. Condon suggests that they all head back to the private room and get orange mocha frappuccinos. Brady jumps off of the stretcher in delight and skips back up to the private room.

2:52 – Brady cell phone rings. He hurdles Laura, who is doing push ups with three cinder blocks balanced on her back, and grabs the phone. It is Charlie Weis who is calling to ask how Brady is doing. Brady replies that he is great and goes into detail describing the orange coffee drink’s sweet delicious flavor. Weis abruptly cuts Brady off, reminding him that Weis can’t listen to more than two minutes at a time of discussions of delicious cuisine due to the gastric bypass surgery he received a few years back. Anymore could rupture his stomach and kill him, or worse make him put on more weight.

2:54 – Brady hangs up the phone. He sits Indian-style on the ground, joyfully finishing his orange mocha frappuccino. When he is finished he wonders if his phone has enough power to work, after all New York is in a different time zone than South Bend so that requires more power to operate. He plugs in the phone and watches it charge.

3:03 – Brady realizes that the phone works fine and that no one has drafted him yet. He calls Condon and tells him to put the word out that Brady is willing to play a position other than QB in the NFL. Condon hangs up the phone and shakes his head.

3:09 – Brady’s spirits rise after flipping through the channels, VH1 is playing a video of Madonna’s Like a Prayer, his favorite songs. Calculating the odds that VH1 would even be playing a video, let alone his favorite one, Brady looks upon this as a good omen.

3:10 – Brady begins to dance around the room doing his “Like a Prayer” dance. Laura looks over from smashing a wooden board on her forehead and gives him an annoyed look.

3:11 – Brady, oblivious to her, begins to strip off his suit and get down to his bikini briefs. Goodell opens the door to see how Brady is doing. He looks in and immediately closes the door and exits.

3:13 – The song ends and Brady realizes that he still hasn’t been drafted. He sighs and starts to slowly put his clothes back on. The room suddenly opens and JaMarcus Russell enters the room with a small blond woman wrapped around his enormous frame. They are furiously kissing each other. Once they realize that other people are in the room, they stop. The girl is Lindy. She apologizes for picking the wrong room and the two of them leave.

3:14 – Brady gets quite and solemn. He starts to write sad haikus.

What do I have left?
JaMarcus stole all of it
My job, my girl, gone

How can I live on
When my life has no value.
One cup of sorrow.

Dogs and small kitties
My favorites forever
Die Lindy. Just die.

3:37 – Brady tells everyone to leave the room. He informs them that he feels has a good vibe that his luck will change soon and everything will work out for the better. He needs to work on his Rookie of the Year acceptance speech and can only do that when no one is watching him. Mom and Dad leave the room. Laura finishes up shaving her five o’clock shadow and follows them.

3:39 – Brady attempts to stick his tongue into an electrical socket. He gives up after realizing that it doesn’t fit.

3:42 – Brady takes Laura’s razor and scrapes it hard vertically down his neck several times but only succeeds in shaving those few chin whiskers that he spent so many years growing. He begins to cry again.

3:47 – He tries to throw himself out of the window. After a few attempts he realizes that the glass is safety glass and won’t break or open.

3:48 – He catches a glimpse of his face in a reflection from the glass of the window and begins to cry again.

3:54 – Brady takes off his tie and wraps it tightly around his neck. He ties the other end to the door knob and sits down.

4:12 – Brady’s cell phone starts to wring. He scrambles trying to grab it, but only succeeds in tightening the noose around his neck. He begins to lose consciousness.

4:14 – Tom Condon enters the room. He unties Brady’s neck and slaps his a few times. Brady awakens. Condon informs him that the Browns are picking him. Instantly Lindy appears in the doorway. She is walking with a painful, bow legged stride and her lipstick is badly smeared. She hugs Brady and tells him she is so happy to be back in his arms. Brady hugs her and they walk off toward the stage. Condon notices that she has a rather large condom stuck to one of her high heels.

4:17 – Brady enters the stage, ending his seclusion and poses for pics as a first round pick of his hometown Browns. Could the day get any better?

Quick Flash 05/01/2007 - Anna Kournikova

2007-05-01T00:44:00.000-07:00

Sharks beat the Red Wings in the third to go up 2-1 in the series.
Cavs sweep Wizards as Lebron reminds fans how good things can be when he actually tries.
Spurs go up 3-1 on the Nuggets. Camby starts thinking of injuries that he will sit out with during next season.
Tracy McGrady dishes out 16 assists as Rockets top Jazz despite Tracy getting a mysterious back/abdominal injury again.
Hallyday smokes the Rangers with his ace-like stuff. Yankees wonder why they didn't overpay for him a few years ago.
Brandon Webb cuts down the Dodgers. Randy Johnson feels team can make playoffs if he can create time machine.

Quick Flash 04/30/2007 - Carlie Butler

2007-04-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

Pistons sweep aside the Magic as Darko looks for his Kleenex to wipe his tears of unrequited revenge.
Heat get swept by the Bulls as Wade realizes the toll that the separated shoulder has taken on his ability to flop in the lane.
Warrors have Mavs up against the ropes. It helps playing in probably the loudest arena I've ever heard.
Cards pitcher dies in car crash after running into parked tow truck.
Pats acquire Randy Moss for fourth rounder. Moss prepares New England Moon Dance.
Darrell Jackson heading to the 49ers as the Seahawks lose interest in stockpiling massive quantities of above average WRs.

32. Colts - Anthony Gonzalez

2007-04-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

A great pickup by the Colts as Gonzalez should slide right into that 3rd WR slot and provide great awareness, route running, toughness, clutch catches, as well as surprisingly good speed. Anthony will also be an insurance policy in the event of an injury to Marvin Harrison or Reggie Wayne.

31. Bears - Greg Olsen

2007-04-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

The Bears had a need at TE and they filled it with the most physically gifted TE in the draft. Greg Olsen has great size, speed (4.5), and route running ability. However he did seem to disappear at times for the Hurricanes, finishing with a lot more 1 and 2 catch games than he should have. It remains to be seen if he is just a workout wonder or if he can put it all together on the field.

30. Chargers - Craig Davis

2007-04-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

Some will say that the Chargers reached too high to select Davis but he does have the physical abilities of a first rounder with better speed than his counterpart Dwayne Bowe and better hands. A good selection by the Chargers, although Anthony Gonzalez might have worked just a little bit better at this spot.

29. Ravens - Ben Grubbs

2007-04-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ben Grubbs is an absolute mauler in the running game with great mobility and lower body strength. He should step in and play immediately on a Ravens line that had some difficulty opening running lanes last season.

28. 49ers - Joe Staley

2007-04-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

The 49ers trade next year's #1 for the right to select Joe Staley, LT from Central Michigan. Staley is quite the athletic specimen as a former 200m state qualifier in high school that can still run a 4.7 at 310 lbs. He will continue to improve as he has only played LT for 3 years and he will get stronger on an NFL weight program. A good selection for the 49ers and a great trade by the Patriots since the pick is likely to be in the teens next year.

27. Saints - Robert Meachem

2007-04-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

The Saints select a player who could have easily been the second WR selected with his combination of size, speed, and hands. They did well to grab the Tennessee standout who will play opposite Marques Colston now that Joe Horn has departed.

26. Cowboys - Anthony Spencer

2007-04-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

The Cowboys surprise a lot of people by using the 2nd rounder acquired from the Browns to get back into the first round by swapping with the division rival Eagles to select Anthony Spencer from Purdue. It was a questionable move with their need for a CB opposite Terrence Newman and the fact that Chris Houston, my favorite CB in this draft, still on the board. I see Spencer as an average NFL player, nothing special.

25. Panthers - Jon Beason

2007-04-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

The Panthers get a guy at 25 that they might have picked at 14 with Patrick Willis off the board. Though listed as an OLB, the Panthers may try to move Beason inside to back up Dan Morgan once he gets his next concussion and starts getting spoon fed all of his meals at the retard home. Good value for the Panthers in their draft manipulation.

24. Patriots - Brandon Meriweather

2007-04-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

Selecting with the first of their dual first rounders, the Pats snagged Brandon Meriweather to play FS and possibly sub some for Rodney Harrison at SS as well when he succumbs to his yearly injury. Meriweather is fast, athletic, and has good instincts. He also know how to keep a calm head in a shootout both on the field and off the field.

23. Chiefs - Dwayne Bowe

2007-04-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

The Chiefs make a great pick in selecting the most complete WR outside of Calvin Johnson. Dwayne Bowe has speed, size, strength, hands, route running, and blocking. If there are other things that WRs need that I've never heard of, I'm sure that Bowe possesses these attributes as well.

22. Browns - Brady Quinn

2007-04-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

As much as I like the value of the Browns acquiring a guy with the 22nd pick that they gave serious consideration to with the 3rd pick, they paid a tremendously steep price to get him. The Browns traded their high second round pick and next year's sure to be top 7 first round pick to the Dallas Cowboys. Early points go to the Cowboys for fleecing the Browns, but it won't matter if soft Brady can somehow become a Pro Bowler.

21. Jaguars - Reggie Nelson

2007-04-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

The Jags trade down and get the guy they wanted all along, the versatile Reggie Nelson. Nelson provides them with the ball hawking centerfielder that they needed in the secondary to complement the hard hitting Donovan Darius. Kudos to the Jags for great maneuvering.

20. Giants - Aaron Ross

2007-04-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

The Giants fill an area of need with the speedy CB Aaron Ross out of Texas. Ross, with the exception of Ted Ginn, covered just about everyone he faced pretty well as well as supplying some exciting moments in the return game. Ross is not the most physical player and is only adequate against the run. Regardless he should be starting by the fifth or sixth game.

19. Titans - Michael Griffin

2007-04-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Titans select Michael Griffin, FS out of Texas, ahead of his more heralded teammate Aaron Ross, CB. despite the team's glaring need at CB before Pacman Jones was suspended for the entire season. Griffin is a bit of a reach at this spot even among free safeties as I have Reggie Nelson and Brandon Merriweather both listed as better players.

18. Bungles - Leon Hall

2007-04-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

The Bungles fill a need at the CB position by selecting Leon Hall. I was not one that was on the Leon Hall bandwagon. I feel that he will be a solid, if unspectacular player, that does a lot of things good but nothing great. Even his blazing speed did not transfer onto the field that well as he was torched by Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett. He will be a solid #2 corner for his team but never a #1 shutdown guy.

17. Broncos - Jarvis Moss

2007-04-28T12:57:00.000-07:00

The second trade of the day was executed as the Broncos swapped with the Jaguars to take Jarvis Moss. This is a reach pick in my opinion as I did not even feel that Moss was a first rounder. Moss is a pure pass rusher with little to no skills at the point-of-attack. Even as a pass rusher he is a one trick pony with just an outside speed move. The Broncos could have likely stayed put and still grabbed Moss.

16. Packers - Justin Harrell

2007-04-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

Another surprise as the Packers select Justin Harrell, DT from Tennessee with the 16th pick. Many pundits had Harrell pegged as a 2nd rounder or at best a late 1st rounder. I am a fan of Harrell's ability and especially his toughness, having played an entire game with a torn biceps tendon. He should upgrade the Packers run defense immediately and be a stalwart in the middle for years to come.

15. Steelers - Lawrence Timmons

2007-04-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

The Steelers select Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida State. I feel as if Timmons is a little bit of a reach at this portion of the draft with Timmons not testing very fast speed wise, nor being very large either. He will probably have trouble defending the run directly at him. Timmons is probably not much better than OLBs that can be had in the 2nd round like Anthony Spencer or Jarvis Moss.

14. Jets - Darrelle Revis

2007-04-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

The first trade of the day was executed between the Panthers and the Jets. The Jets traded up to acquire Darrelle Revis, a great cover corner with 4.4 speed who can also tackle and return punts. Revis was snatched out of the waiting arms of the Steelers, who were craving the local product. There is no word yet how much influence Larry David had in this selection.

13. Rams - Adam Carriker

2007-04-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

Still no trades and not a lot of surprises outside of the Ted Ginn selection as the Rams go with Adam Carriker. Carriker can play either DE or DT for the Rams, playing the former on run downs and the latter on pass downs, teaming with Leonard Little (if he doesn't kill anyone) and James Hall to form a potent pass rush. Carriker may not be athletic enough to be a great third down edge rusher, but he can get the job done from the inside.

12. Bills - Marshawn Lynch

2007-04-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

Packers fans everywhere collectively gasp as the Bills grab Marshawn Lynch to replace the departed Willis McGahee. Lynch has great hands and plays much faster than his 4.5 speed indicates. I feel that Lynch will be a better pro than Adrian Peterson, barring injury. Hopefully for Bills fans Marshawn can find more to do in Buffalo than Willis was able to find. Someone should check on Brady Quinn and make sure that he is not hanging from the doorknob in the commish's green room from his tie.

11. 49ers - Patrick Willis

2007-04-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

San Fransisco selects a player that it was obvious they loved just from watching Mike Singletary deal with him during the segments of Senior Bowl practice that was aired on NFL Network earlier in the season. Willis is amazingly fast, timing in at below 4.4 in his private workout, was among the nation's leaders in tackling, and was tough enough to play with a club cast rather than sit out. In other news the Brady Quinn plunge continues and the commish felt bad for him to the point of pulling him out of the view of cameras into the commish's private green room. Wuss. Probably the only instance of the word "wuss" printed in the same paragraph as the words "Patrick Willis" in an interesting occurrence.

10. Texans - Amobi Okoye

2007-04-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

The Texans pick the wunderkind out of Louisville, Amobi Okoye, who should team with last year's first rounder Mario Williams to form a stellar defensive line, something that has been missing since their inception. At just 19 years of age, Okoye will without a doubt get stronger and be able to put on more weight as he matures as a football player.

9. Dolphins - Ted Ginn

2007-04-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

In the first surprise of the day, the Dolphins passed on Brady Quinn to grab Ted Ginn, the blazing human highlight film from Ohio State who has dropped on many boards due to his foot injury and slight frame. Ginn should really take some of the double coverage off of Pro Bowler Chris Chambers, even if he doesn't know how to run a route quite yet and may have to rely primarily on his speed early on.

8. Falcons - Jamaal Anderson

2007-04-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Another non-surprise with the second best DE getting selected by the pass rush poor Atlanta Falcons. Jamaal Anderson is more of a every down DE than Gaines Adams with his impressive 288lb bulk that could get even heavier when he starts using an NFL lifting program. Anderson may even be able to shift inside to a DT on 3rd down to get an extra pass rusher on the field. Anderson was recruited as a WR believe it or not and somehow grew into this monstrosity of a football player.

7. Vikings - Adrian Peterson

2007-04-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

In another non-surprise, the Vikings selected Adrian Peterson. Peterson dropped amid speculation that his broken collarbone was not completely healed. The Vikings will take a little bit of adjusting for Peterson as he will have to get used to the nuances of catching the football out of the backfied in the West Coast Offense.

6. Redskins - LaRon Landry

2007-04-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Redskins make a very smart move by selecting a FS. What you say, they already had a FS in Sean Taylor? No, he just happened to line up there. Taylor is completely a SS both in his size, tackling ferocity, and the way that he plays. Landry is a much better center fielder and can actually play zone defense and be a field general back there, which, despite his physical ability, Sean Taylor was unable to do.

5. Cardinals - Levi Brown

2007-04-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Cardinals pick LT Levi Brown which came as a surprise to some people. Those people should take a look at the woeful state of the Cardinals O-line since, well since forever. He should make the offense that much potent by freeing up Edge to average over 4.0 ypc and Boldin and Fitzgerald to run all over other teams. A very good pick on the part of the Cardinals, much better than selecting Jamaal Anderson or Adrian Peterson.

4. Bucs - Gaines Adams

2007-04-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

The Bucs selected the first defensive player of this year's draft in Gaines Adams. Adams should immediately free up Simeon Rice to get a few more sacks next year by possibly saving him from a double team or two on third down. Adams is by far the best pass rusher of any of the DEs in this years class. Though he is a little light as a run defender, he more than makes up for it with his passing skills.

3. Browns - Joe Thomas

2007-04-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

The Browns make the safest and best pick in their situation outside of trading down by taking LT Joe Thomas. The Browns have needed offensive line help since the day that they came back from the dead and it's nice to see them finally address it in the first round (besides that whole center thing a few years ago). Thomas should start from Day 1 and be a solid pro at least. Quinn had questions of whether he was already at his skill ceiling and Adrian Peterson faced questions about the health of his broken collarbone.

2. Lions - Calvin Johnson

2007-04-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

The Lions did the right thing by selecting their 4th WR in the 1st round under Matt Millen. Whether they keep Calvin Johnson or trade him, he was definitely the clear cut top 2 guy in this draft and it would have been foolish to lose that leverage in a trade scenario or the quality of CJ's talent on the field. I can only imagine the nightmare of covering Johnson and Roy Williams that other teams now have to plan for. I wonder what kind of transition it will be for Roy to go from The Man on offense to Second Fiddle, which a lot of talented players have trouble adapting to.

1. Raiders - JaMarcus Russell

2007-04-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

In a totally unsurprising move, the Raiders went with JaMarcus Russell with the top selection, turning down late overtures from the Cleveland Browns and other teams to move up to that slot. Russell has a ridiculous arm and phenomenal size. Hopefully for the Raiders he can progress rapidly mentally both in learning the offense and being a team leader (not a team distraction/joke like one Mike Vick and his weekly dalliances with the law).

2007 Donkey Carnival NFL Mock Draft

2007-04-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

What will happen (What should happen)

1. Raiders - JaMarcus Russell (Calvin Johnson)

2. Lions - Gaines Adams (Gaines Adams)

3. Browns - Joe Thomas (JaMarcus Russell)

4. Bucs - Calvin Johnson (Joe Thomas)

5. Cardinals - Levi Brown (Levi Brown)

6. Redskins - LaRon Landry (LaRon Landry)

7. Vikings - Adrian Peterson (Ted Ginn)

8. Falcons - Jamaal Anderson (Adrian Peterson)

9. Dolphins - Brady Quinn (Brady Quinn)

10. Texans - Amobi Okoye (Darrell Revis)

11. 49ers - Patrick Willis (Patrick Willis)

12. Bills - Alan Branch (Chris Houston)

13. Rams - Adam Carriker (Amobi Okoye)

14. Panthers - Greg Olsen (Greg Olsen)

15. Steelers - Lawrence Timmons (Adam Carriker)

16. Packers - Marshawn Lynch (Marshawn Lynch)

17. Jaguars - Reggie Nelson (Reggie Nelson)

18. Bungles - Ted Ginn (Leon Hall)

19. Titans - Darrell Revis (Aaron Ross)

20. Giants - Leon Hall (Paul Posluszny)

21. Broncos - Joe Staley (Dwayne Bowe)

22. Cowboys - Aaron Ross (Marcus McCauley)

23. Chiefs - Dwayne Bowe (Justin Harrell)

24. Patriots - Chris Houston (Lawrence Timmons)

25. Jets - Ben Grubbs (Ben Grubbs)

26. Eagles - Marcus McCauley (Eric Wright)

27. Saints - Eric Wright (Jon Beason)

28. Patriots - Eric Weddle (Daymeion Hughes)

29. Ravens - Tony Ugoh (Drew Stanton)

30. Chargers - Robert Meachem (Brandon Merriweather)

31. Bears - Zach Miller (Sidney Rice)

32. Colts - Demarcus Tyler (Demarcus Tyler)

Quick Flash 04/27/2007 - Ashley Tappin

2007-04-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

Lakers come back to stun the Suns. Kobe actually showed up to play at this one.
Yankees lose 6th in a row. Is that Joe Torre's seat getting a little bit hotter?
Pistons go up 3-0. Five years ago this series would have already been over.
Sosa hits 2 HRs. Did anyone check to see if Victor Conte was sneaking out of the stadium in a trench coat and a rubber nose and mustache?
Smoltz to get $14M next season to come back for his 20th season. If he gets that much, how much would Roger Clemens get to play a season pitching only 5 1/3 innings per game from June until October?
Idiots argue over whether it was really blood on Schilling's sock and not paint. Next thing on agenda is to check whether Jose Canseco actually used steroids or a fluid to trick people into thinking it was steroids to garner media attention.

Rick Carlisle Needs to Call a Lawyer

2007-04-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

Rick Carlisle was given his walking papers by the Indiana Pacers yesterday, presumably for what is believed to be underachievement with the talent on the team. If Rick were smart enough to hire a halfway decent attorney, he might just have a case for negligence against Donnie Walsh and the great Larry Bird (what is it about former Celtic greats and screwing up as GMs?). Clearly the duo failed to exercise a reasonable standard of care in supplying Carlisle with players. After all, what reasonable person would trade Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington for Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy? Two incredibly athletic players for two slow stiffs that fall all over themselves turning the ball over. And on top of their ugly play on the court, the team and fans are exposed to their ugly appearances on the bench as well. Basically all-around duds. Come to think of it, maybe David Stern should be added in the suit for even approving such a one-sided deal.

Quick Flash 04/26/2007 - Tiffany Scott

2007-04-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Mavs finally beat the Warriors. Cuban prepares scathing blog post directed at Nelson.
Bonds cranks 741. Giants somehow have won 7 straight despite not being on the Senior Tour.
Cavs beat Wizards again. Arenas and Butler choke in clutch as they combine for 0 points.
Predictable Spurs beat unpredictable Nuggets as predictably Iverson and Anthony each take over 20 shots.
Peavy K's 16 and still ends up with the loss. At one point he was one strike from ten K's in a row.
Jarrod Washburn pitches 3-hitter. Did I really just type that?

Rutgers Chick Coach Wins Money

2007-04-25T02:34:00.000-07:00

C. Vivian Stringer, coach of the Rutgers women's basketball team, has received an extension that has an equal base salary to that of football coach Greg Schiano. This happened despite the fact that Schiano made a major bowl game and came close to a national title in the highest revenue sport on campus. A sport that brings in major TV money and has over 40,000 fans in attendance at each game. Rutgers women's basketball, on the other hand, is probably not even profitable, even with their national runner-up status, and brings in minuscule crowds and minimal TV money. So how is it fair to pay the head coaches of these teams the same amount? That's not the way the business world works. The guys that bring in the most money get paid the most, not the ones with the sympathy of the press.

I wonder what line of logic Rutgers was using when it made this decision. Hmmm. Maybe it had something to do with that whole "nappy hoes" fiasco and that boring radio guy who I am glad to not see on Sports Center anymore. So that stupid "accepting an apology rally" that they had last week actually paid off. Imus' bigotry paid off. And it all paid off handsomely. If I were Schiano, I would demand a renegotiation of my deal to one commiserate with the amount of attention and athletic success that he has bestowed upon the program. I would get the media involved on my side illustrating the double standard in play with the equal pay. How she used racial slurs and controversy to pretty much extort the University because I don't think it's a big assumption that Rutgers didn't voluntarily want to pay her so much unless she threatened to resign. That resignation would make the school look like bigots, putting them in an awkward position of having to overpay to save face.

Barring a better contract befitting Sciano, he should threaten to resign. And don't think that all the good jobs are taken. All he would have to do is sit out about 4 games and some team will be 1-3 and fire their coach early with the intent of grabbing Schiano early ala Butch Davis at UNC last season. Or Schiano could just call Nick Saban tomorrow, pretend he's with the San Diego Chargers and will pay him $6M/year and that Alabama job will be vacant before the phone is even hung up. Nick won't realize what really happened until his plane has already touched down in San Diego. After all it's not like he'll have a meeting with his players before he goes.

Quick Flash 04/25/2007 - Jenny Adams

2007-04-25T02:20:00.000-07:00

Lakers get owned. Kobe must have given up to only drop 15 with the national spotlight on him.
Raptors tie up the series and Bulls move up two games. Vince Carter wilted under the heat of boos and D-Wade can't flop in the lane anymore.
Tigers drop one in extra innings due to...surprise, surprise, pitcher errors.
Yankees fall to last place. HA HA HA. Way to manage that money.
FBI investigating threatening letters to cheerleaders, some laced with insecticide. Hmm, I guess a little different than the normal requests for underwear and perfume samples.
Army lied about Pat Tillman's death. What? The government not giving the public the full truth. Preposterous.
Everyone wants the Lions pick. Or so the Lions say until Draft Day.
Oden and Conley a package deal in the NBA? Sounds pretty unlikely, but if those hockey twins could pull it off then anything is possible.

Nothing Better To Do In Alabama?

2007-04-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Spring college football practices are in the air. What does that mean for most fans? Nothing really. The players just do a lot of sprints and half-speed practices. Nothing special, nothing crazy. Except in Alabama where 92,000 people showed up for the spring game, apparently inspired by the bright future ahead for Crimson Tide football with the brilliant Nick Saban at the helm of the program. Wal-mart must have been closed or the NASCAR satellite ticket on the fritz for such an outpouring of support to happen in a meaningless game. Surely the Tide fans realized that Saban is already married and can't be bred with hundreds of young 'Bama coeds to increase the future IQ of the state by creating a race of non-retarded normies. At this rate, what will happen after the Crimson Tide lose their first game? Will Saban be ripped to pieces by an angry mob carrying torches and pitchforks while giving the post game press conference? One rule I've learned in this situation is that you never can predict the actions of someone who is too emotional and too stupid for their own good. I call it my female theory.

Sam Mitchell Wins Coach of Year

2007-04-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

In an interesting reversal of fortune, Sam Mitchell won the Coach of the Year Award for his work in turning around the Raptors from a lottery team to a division winner. What merits mention is not the teams turn around, but the fact that just a few years ago, Mitchell was picked as the worst coach by a vote of NBA players conducted in an issue of Sports Illustrated. Which brings up the question of whether the Raptors did so well because of Mitchell or in spite of Mitchell. Much of that will be answered in their first round playoff matchup against the hapless and streaky Nets, a team fractured by players that don't care (Carter), going through disturbing divorce proceedings (Kidd), or would rather hang with their gay male model buddies (Jefferson). We'll soon be able to tell if Mitchell is just another Doc Rivers "good coach" poser or if he is the real deal.

Top 7 Worst Athlete Wives

2007-04-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

7. Juanita Jordan, former wife of Michael Jordan - Though Juanita never attacked MJ, severely slandered his name/manhood, or attempted to sever any sexual organs, she did make off with over $150M in the divorce settlement, the largest celebrity divorce settlement in history. Even a guy who wagers $100k on a hole of golf with a buddy cannot be happy about losing that much loot. For that she gets on this list.

6. Jean Strahan, former wife of Michael Strahan - Apparently not satisfied with the $15.5M, house, and other goodies that she received in the divorce settlement, she stooped to selling off many of Michael's personal effects, including but not limited to Pro Bowl memorabilia, game worn equipment, and TVs. All for rock bottom prices to whomever showed up to the garage sale. At least she left the plasmas intact.

5. Deidra Lane, former wife of Fred Lane - Deidra shot and killed her husband with two close range gun shot wounds to the head and chest. How can this woman only be ranked in the #5 slot when she ended up killing her husband? Odds are that she put him out of a life of misery, not to mention the misery he missed out on that we all know as divorce, that brutal demon that steals at least half of what a man worked his whole life for in the blink of an eye. And it's not like he never saw the shooting coming, he did marry her knowing that she once robbed a credit union.

4. Joumana Kidd, former wife of Jason Kidd - According to court documents filed by Jason, his crazy ex-wife kicked, hit, punched him and exhibited extreme cruelty by throwing objects at him. To add insult to injury, she even tracked him by placing GPS devices on his car and stealing his prepaid cell phones to stalk his mistresses. Basically a total downer on all fronts.

3. Robin Givens, former wife of Mike Tyson - Well she obviously couldn't beat him up, but she did manipulate Iron Mike until he didn't know whether he was coming or going. Then again that might be his normal mental state. Also there are the horrific rumors that she faked a pregnancy to get married and then faked a miscarriage to get sympathy from Mike in her battle with his handlers. Basically she made off with a ton of money, fame, and never had to see what demon spawn might come out of her if she were to bear Tyson's young.

2. Tawny Kitaen, former wife of Chuck Finley - Tawny doesn't seem to know how to do something half-assed. When she went after Chuck, she sure had a well rounded attack. She attacked him physically with her arms, legs, and stilettos. Ouch. As if getting beat up by your wife isn't bad enough, she attacked him professionally by stating that he has cheated and used steroids for years and brags about knowing how to get around drug testing. Yikes, kind of biting the hand that feeds her. Then she killed his marketability by claiming that Chuck and his family liberally used the "N-word" and that he kept unregistered shotguns at his home. Tawny pretty much scored a triple-double in her ruinous impact on Chuck's life and we haven't even discussed how much money she probably bamboozled.

1. Jeni Lee Dinkel, soon to be former wife of Tom Dinkel - Well she hasn't taken any divorce money from him yet, or inflicted physical injury on him that we know of, but she wounded him in the worst way that a man can be wounded. She cheated on him with a 15-year old boy. Not a younger guy, but a boy. She would rather engage in sex with someone whom it is illegal to, than with her supposedly Alpha Male, stud athlete husband. Not only sex, but sodomy. I bet Tom never got much of a taste of that action. Tom will never go anywhere around his friends without them thinking about that little punk freshman in high school that his wife had an affair with. At least the guys above were either physically wounded, fooled by gold diggers, or not alive anymore. Tom Dinkel has to relive his shame every day with every future relationship.

Quick Flash 04/24/2007 - Cristie Kerr

2007-04-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

Mark Prior to have shoulder surgery. Seems like I did this blurb already.
Leandro Barbosa wins 6th man award in a landslide. Now to the less obvious news.
Pistons beat Magic and Houston beats Utah by the exact same score. Wonders never cease.
A-Rod can do no wrong. Every time he swings he hits a homer or two, giving him 14 in 18 games.
Canucks eliminate Stars in not-so-epic game seven on unwatched network.
Denver looking to move up to Detroit's two slot to pick Calvin Johnson.

Jean Strahan Sucks

2007-04-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

You know a divorce is getting bitter when, after getting over $15M dollars awarded to her, including the house, your crazy ex-wife just starts selling your stuff for rock bottom prices to people at a yard sale. Pro Bowls bags, TVs, gloves, whatever, all going to the highest bitter. At least she hasn't pulled a Lorena Bobbit on him yet.

Landis Backup Result Tests Positve

2007-04-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

After nearly a year (how does blood or urine take nearly a year to check?) Floyd Landis has in fact tested positive for synthetic testosterone after his backup samples confirmed the initial positive. I don't really care at this point. This story has for sure tested positive for boredom. I do more interesting things each afternoon than this whole Landis doping story. I eat sandwiches, big and spicy ones. I sell people things that they don't need. I sit and day dream about work being over and me sunning myself next to California co-eds. You get the picture.

The Best Family to Breed With

2007-04-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

For those of you looking for wives or husbands with stellar athletic genes for the purposes of creating your own small army of ubermen (that is my plan by the way, all interested ladies will find my email address in the top corner of the page under my profile in order to submit their resumes), the Hostetler family appears to be the gene pool to get spliced into. Of the grandchildren of Grandpa Hostetler, 16 of the 19 have played Division I athletics. Wow. Wow. That is all I can say to that one. And who can forget Uncle Jeff and his miracle run to the Super Bowl. Now there is just the matter of finding where the 18-24 year old female Hostetlers reside. Google should be able to help. Google can do anything.

The Fall of Cro Cop

2007-04-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

In a stunning turn of events Saturday night, Mirko Cro Cop, the pretty much unrivaled heavyweight MMA fighter, was knocked out by the relatively unknown Gabreil Gonzaga. This was not a fluke slippage knockout either. Gonzaga cranked Cro Cop in the head with a brutal leg kick which knocked him out so quickly that Mirko fell onto his own left leg where it looks like he may have dislocated his ankle and torn a knee ligament or two. With this win Gonzaga wins the right to battle Randy Couture for the UFC heavyweight title in August. It should be an interesting bout since Gonzaga is pretty new and Couture is pretty old, as in 43 years old. You gotta love it when an unknown fighter comes out and slays one of the giants of the sport, but that is the essence of MMA, that anything can happen at any moment (except for eye gouging, biting, etcc, but you get the point).

Quick Flash 04/23/2007 - Biba Golic

2007-04-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

Brandon Wright leaving UNC to turn pro. Guess it's Tyler's team now.
Bonds hits 739 and 740 over the weekend. Has a guy ever even hit 740 homers in his softball career? Cheater or not, still amazing.
Red Wings finish off the Flames who are left with going back to pathetically average Canada.
Warriors take down the Mavs on their home court. An upset might just be brewing as long as Baron Davis can avoid the buffet and trainer's table.
Nuggets upset the Spurs. Can Ginobli's bald spot save them?
Nadal beats Federer as the great champ shows that he is weak on clay.
Jeff Gordon wins to tie Earnhardt and honors him in victory. Tens of thousands of NASCAR fans took out their chew out of respect.
Red Sox hit 4 straight homers to beat the Yanks. A-Rod makes final out with runner on base, prepares for boos when he returns home.

Pacman Apologizes Via Ad

2007-04-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

Pacman took out a full page ad in The Tennessean apologizing for his actions over that past few weeks and stating that he has learned a "lifetime of lessons" from them. I assume that the lessons he means are things like:

- Take more than five steps away from entourage when they open fire on unarmed bystanders so that it looks like I might not be involved.

- Make sure guns used in shootouts are not registered to me.

- Getting suspended for a whole season costs a lot of money.

- Find a new PR person who is better at transferring blame to other entities.

- Never forget to state that it's the system that is at fault, not me.

- Use my 4.3 speed to flee the scene. And fast.

One also has to love the line about creating a scholarship for walk-on players at WVU, as if something like that is even possible since the NCAA imposes an 85 scholarship limit on each team. I might as well promise the same thing.

Quick Flash 04/20/2007 - Veronica Kay

2007-04-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Silly Cleveland writer thinks impossibly long NBA playoffs are better than NCAA tournie.
A-Rod hits his 10th to crush the hopes of the Tribe having a better bullpen than last year.
Hill and Peavy move to 3-0 as Cubs and Pads both win.
Kevin McHale can't get fired even if he tries. He even thinks the never sniffing .500 Randy Wittman is a good coach.
Rams sniffing around Ricky Williams and the odor is not coming back pungent.

Fight Club Lives On

2007-04-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of With Leather. Thirty-five people. A nice circle. Some video tape. Two people brawling in the center. How could a Wednesday night get any better. The blood. The thrill. The testosterone. It's a shame they had to get arrested. Silly police always trying to put a stop to whatever interesting is going on. It's also great to see that Fight Clubs still live on, especially past the techie genre into more serious brawlers. I would like nothing more than to get something like this started in Sacramento. It would be a great thing for inner cities and would probably lower the crime rates by allowing people to settle their differences in a way that does not invovle guns or knives. Sadly city council types would never go for it.

2007 NBA Playoffs Preview.

2007-04-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

Pistons and Cavs advance to the conference finals, Cleveland after a hard fought 4-3 series win over the surprising Nets. The Pistons take down the Cavs for the second year in a row after the Pistons shut down the Cavs driving duo of James and Hughes and forces them to settle for 3s that they can't hit consistently.

Suns and Mavs meet up in the West finals in what will become one of the epic series of all time. The Mavs win with a 4-3 all timer featuring a game low score of 112. Josh Howard becomes the key to the series as his defense shuts down Shawn Marion.

The Finals will belong to the Mavs as they are victorious over the Pistons with a 4-2 series that looks closer than it ever was. The Pistons lack of depth and speed is exposed. Howard shuts down Hamilton and wins the Finals MVP.

Alyssa Milano Doesn't Love Every Pitcher

2007-04-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

On her new (and pretty well written) baseball blog, Alyssa Milano addressed the questions that fans really had for her. Of course I am referring to her seemingly never ending supply of pitching dates spanning from Brady Penny to Carl Pavano to Barry Zito. In a pretty good defense she states that if she had dated everyone who the media said she had, she would be "in a hospital or mental ward somewhere" where she would be unable to write the blog. She says that dating players is just a product of circumstance since she attends so many games instead of going to clubs and gets to meet players because of her celebrity access. I gotta say, I'm a fan of the blog so far, especially since she answered questions that a lot of celebrity bloggers would have just ignored.

Mitch Mustain Saga Continues

2007-04-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

Mitch Mustain, former Gatorade player of the year in football, has decided to transfer to USC. This comes after a frequently bizarre situation in which Mustain's high school coach was hired to be his offensive coordinator at Arkansas in order to get his to sign there. Then after winning a bunch of games as a freshman in the run based offense centered around All SEC backs Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, Mustain threatens to transfer because they are not running the pass happy scheme that he was promised. His mom and other parents get involved and have a meeting with Houston Nutt (What coach lets crap like this happen?). Then the OC leaves to go do the same job at Tulsa, where it is rumored Mustain will follow and likely become starter and hero. Now he finally makes a decision and its to go to USC where after sitting out this year, he will still be stuck behind the all-world Mark Sanchez for two years and the bevy of other QB recruits that come in ever year. It might just be me, but I smell a transfer to a I-AA school next spring after he loses out in the QB competition. This situation just shows why its silly to over hype these incoming high school players. It gives them this unearned sense of entitlement to do things like demand the offense be run a certain way or else you'll hear about it from their mother. Mustain probably dropped the "Do you know who I am?" line a few times in restaurants and bars around town. Let's hope he flames out and becomes another one in the long line of Player of the Year in high school to average college QBs with Ron Curry and Brock Berlin.

Buehrle Tosses a Gem

2007-04-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Mark Buehrle pitched the first no hitter of this young baseball season against the Texas Rangers yesterday. It was Buehrle's first no hitter of his career and nearly the White Sox second one in a week. Earlier in the week they one-hit the Cleveland Indians, only to lose 2-1. If not for the one walk he issued it would have been a perfect game, although he did only face the minimum of 27 batters because he picked off the lone baserunner. Buehrle eschewed the typical superstition of not talking about the no hitter with teammates during the game as he gabbed and laughed about it the entire game.

Buckeye Player Coaches for Spring Game

2007-04-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes they call point guards the floor general. Now Mike Conley can actually say that he has been a general as he has been slated to coach one of the Ohio State teams during the annual spring football game. Jamar Butler is slated to coach the other team. The other players, sans Oden, will be assistant coaches. Conley is planning a barrage of trick plays from Madden and is already working on the halftime speech.

Flip Murray and the Wild West Adventure

2007-04-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

Flip Murray had an interesting situation happen the other night. Coming home from the club. Got a pretty little lady meeting him at his house. Leaves the door unlocked so that she can come in. Probably had time to light a few candles and turn on some Jodeci. Then gunmen come to the door and start shooting at the house. Does Flip get his own gat and return fire, saving the lady from danger? No, he runs to a room and locks himself in while calling the police. The woman? She can fend for herself in times of danger. John Wayne would have been proud.

New Texting Rules Proposed

2007-04-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

The NCAA is considering banning the use of text messaging by coaches during recruiting. Currently the system allows coaches unlimited text messaging to recruits. The situation got ridiculous with the more technologically savvy coaches sending hundreds of text messages a day and the top recruits getting up to a thousand in a single day. Ron Zook and Urban Meyer are two of the best at constant text messaging. I can't imagine, however, that old horses like Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden are any good at all even turning on a cell phone let alone text messaging. Their arthritic fingers largely thumping against small random keys that they can't even see. The rule is likely to pass because recruits are opposed to text messaging also. I could not even fathom getting a thousand text messages a day and having to sift through the coach from Boise St just to get to your friends.

King Vick the Generous

2007-04-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Mike Vick made a heartfelt donation of $10,000 to his alma mater yesterday to the families of the victims of the shooting. Some might think this a touching and generous gesture until they examine the situation a little bit closer. Vick had a 2006 cap number of about $7.5M. Not even factoring in any of his endorsement income which is sure to be plentiful, he gave a donation of 0.00133 of his income to the cause of the victims. That would be the equivalent of your average joe making $40k donating $52 to the cause. Sure it's nice that he's making donations to charity but an athlete such as himself donating such a small amount is not even worth writing the press release. He probably pays more a year in car insurance.

Quick Flash 04/19/2007 - Annie Pelletier

2007-04-19T04:37:00.000-07:00

Cavs clinch second seed in East with win and Bulls loss. Lebron's season of coasting has paid off!
Apparently smoking weed is no longer a negative in the NFL. It's good for keeping players calm enough to not attack their girlfriends until the pregnancies are over.
Bonds inches closer. Snipers start to get ready.
Chick famous for her fake boobs seems to think women can actually coach men. If she had ever seen a Celtics or Clippers game she would know that men can't even coach men.
Rangers advance in NHL playoffs. Anyone catch that on VS?
Mayweather talking himself into a UFC mega-fight? We can only hope.
King Felix hurts arm in 1st. Millions of seasons hang in the balance, not to mention their extreme keeper brethren.

Urlacher Can't Dress Right

2007-04-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Oh the importance of our corporate lives. Where every detail on a person is sold to advertisers like a human billboard. Where a guy gets fined 100k for wearing a hat of a non-NFL sponsor. Ridiculous that life as an athlete has reached such a point of utter minutia. Is he using the NFL sponsored phone? Are those non-Nikes on his feet? Gasp, does his wife have Reeboks on?

So Much For the Glamour of Pro Football

2007-04-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

The wife of former Cincinnati Bungles LB Tom Dinkel was arrested for the rape and sodomy of a 15 year old boy. Oh yeah, she happens to be 51. I know what a weird situation this happens to be for the woman and the kid (actually I have no idea). But what about the guy. How can you go to your weekly card game knowing that your wife cheated on you with a 15 year old? That an inexperienced barely post pubescent child brought her more satisfaction that you did? So much so that she missed everything to continue the relationship. This guy is going to have trouble ever dating another chick again with the confidence issues that might arise out it. Story courtesy of PFT.

Quick Flash 04/18/2007 - Sue Bird

2007-04-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

NBA ref suspended indefinitely after having a vendetta against Tim Duncan. Vendetta for what? Behaving well, playing hard, and setting a good example?
Jason Schmidt is injured and on the DL, prime example #1 why the Giants paid ridiculous money to Zito over Schmidt even though Jason had the better numbers.
A-Rod keeps rockin bombs as the end of the boos might be in sight...let's not jump to conclusions here, this isn't a tabloid.
Nats wear VTech hats during game in tribute to the fallen.
David Wrights hitting streak hits 24 games. Everyone knows what that means...24 shots!

Vince Young Era Over

2007-04-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Vince Young's career as an NFL player got off to a wonderful start. He will long be remembered as one of the bright shining one season wonders of lore along with Gaston Green, Reggie Brooks, and Germane Crowell. This is all because Vince Young and his agent had to be stupid enough to agree to be on the cover of Madden 2008 next year. His ACLs and rotator cuff have already called ahead to local hospitals reserving a surgery room for later this fall. The Madden Curse is the surest thing in all of sports and cannot be defeated, no matter how young or athletic the player that temps it.

Soccer Moms Start Brainwashing

2007-04-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

Soccer moms are quickly becoming as crazy as beauty pageant moms and hockey parents in terms of the brutalities that they are willing to visit upon their children in order for them to succeed in meaningless teenage contests. This mom was crazy enough to leave her daughter on the side of her freeway after her failure to recite lines about improving her performance correctly. Doesn't this sound pretty similar to the stuff that went on with American troops captured and tortured by the Vietnamese? Reciting over and over about how bad the US government was while being deprived of necessities like food, water, shelter,..and rides home from soccer tournaments. Let's hope that other crazy sports parents do not get a hold of any brainwashing techniques or it could be the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Jerry West Stepping Down

2007-04-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

The man, the myth, the logo is stepping down from his post as president of the Grizzlies in July, shortly after the mega draft in which the Grizzlies have close to a 50% chance of being able to select Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. Both players are believed to be legitimate franchise players, who when paired with Pau Gasol, Rudy Gay, Mike Miller, Hakim Warrick, and Kyle Lowry would leave the team with an immensely bright future. It's kind of surprising that West would not want to stick around for three years to try and win that final title, but at least he could have the say in picking the guy. Or even, gasp, putting together some sort of gigantic trade down to another team in the top ten for an additional two to three first round draft picks in a Herschel Walker type trade.

Quick Flash 04/17/2007 - Becky Hammon

2007-04-17T04:23:00.000-07:00

Soriano injures hamstring. Cubs fans groans of curses can be measured in seismic activity all the way in Alaska.
Big Unit close to coming back. He will make one more rehab start at the Scottsdale Active Senior Living Community before rejoining the Diamondbacks.
Jays catch the injury bug but no fans are heard griping about curses. Either the Canucks are a little tougher that the Chi-towners or there are no Canadian baseball fans during the NHL playoffs.
Grizzlies defeat Spurs, showing how good they can really be after tanking enough to clinch the best chance at the Oden/Durant lottery.
Celtics show the same routine by beating the defending champion Heat after clinching the second best chance in the draft lottery.
Bucs might be making a move to the #1 spot in the draft to select Calvin Johnson. Let's just hope that Gruden doesn't trade the rest of his draft picks to pull it off. We all know how that story works out.
Agassi smashed Steffi in the face with his racket at a charity game. Looks like it was the right decision to retire with court vision like that.

Virginia Tech Shootings

2007-04-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

On a sad day in which a lone gunman wielding only two handguns killed 31 people and wounded 29 others at Virginia Tech today. The shootings took place at 7:15AM in a dorm and 9:00AM at a classroom building. Not to make light of the situation but how were classes even in session two hours after a shooting if the gunman/gunmen were still at large? Could the families of anyone who died at the classroom sue the school for wrongful death due to their failure to close classrooms with a gunman/gunmen on the loose? The reason I say gunmen is how could one guy who is not in an action movie hit 60 people with shots from two hand guns? Even firing on unarmed moving targets I feel as if a Navy Seal would have difficulty performing such a feet. Why else would VTech students be instructed to stay indoors for the rest of the day and away from windows if police do not believe that there is still at least another gun man at large?

What also should be taken into account is if college campuses and schools will become more like airplanes as a result of this tragedy? Will government take such severe steps as not allowing former criminals to attend schools? Will everyone entering or leaving a campus have their IDs checks, be searched, and not allowed to bring containers of fluid over 4oz into a dorm for fear of a explosive liquid? All of this and more is possible if lawmakers and the media jump the gun on passing laws in response to what happened. We could be becoming more of a police state, giving up freedom in the name of safety. Maybe one day criminals won't be allowed in sports arenas either? But one thing most people fail to realize is any legitimate terrorist threat will not have any sort of criminal record to allow him to pass through any background checks, making these measures essentially pointless. All in all a sad day whose aftermath is sure to be even sadder when its effects on government, privacy, and freedom are fully realized.

Golf Slasher Movie

2007-04-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

In another sign that screenwriters are running out of ideas, a golf themed horror movie is coming out called Slice. I will be the first one to write that this film will no doubt feature no name acting "talent", overly hot chicks that should never be on a golf course, and gratuitous blood and nudity. Slice is an early favorite for the 2008 Worst Picture Razzie.

Quick Flash 04/16/2007 - Martina Hingis

2007-04-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

Back from a short hiatus and better than ever.

Cedric Griffin arrested after he just couldn't make it through the night with his pants up.
Jackie Robinson day was yesterday. What did he do again?
Will Shields retires again, this time probably for good.
Kobe drops 50 and Rickey Davis drops 42. One of those doesn't belong.
Cleveland wins despite being one-hit and Seattle scores 14. Which was more unlikely?
Oden, Conley, and Cook might be going pro, or maybe they're not, depending on whom you talk to.
Georgetown duo enter draft but don't hire agents. Typical lack of commitment by American youth.

Pacman Searches the Classifieds

2007-04-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Pacman searches the want ads.

Pool Cue Inspector – Nothing can hamper a good game of pool like a defective cue stick that breaks after only one smack to the back of a human head. Tester needed to assure products meet with company standards and specifications. Must have experience with violently swinging a cue at a prone or unaware victim. Ambidextrous swingers preferred to test product strength from all angles. Competitive salary and product discounts.

Rap Video Stand In Needed for upcoming rap video shoot. Seeking applicants with dreadlocked hair AKA “dreads”, teeth covered with gold dental work AKA “grillz”, and fluent in ebonics based languages AKA “ghetto speak.” Preference will be given to those with existing tattoos, especially one’s featuring dead relatives or friends. Escalade defensive driving course is mandatory upon hiring for filming of shootout/drive by/car chase scenes in video. MANDATORY DRUG TEST. Must test positive to be offered employment.

Police K-9 Patrol Tester wanted. Subject will need to be an elite athlete capable of eluding and evading highly trained German Shepherds through the use of speed and quickness. Applicants should also be able to sprint while carrying up to 3 kilos of contraband within the anal cavity. Experience running from police dogs is not mandatory as training can be provided to quality applicants. Free coffee and donuts available while working.

Film production crew seeking experienced WEATHER CONTROL TECHNICIAN. Film will require the creation of synthetic weather environments including but not limited to creating realistic hail storms, fabricated gale force winds, and a general ability to make it rain. Experience in these areas on a professional basis is required as there is no time to train subjects unfamiliar with the techniques or methodology of the industry. Interviews will be conducted Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Call for an appointment and bring a resume with references.

Cripps seeking entrepreneurial hard working individuals to help expand the nation’s leading gang empire by purchasing a franchise in the newly created West Virginia Expansion Project. Each owner will receive employee training skills from an Original West Coast Gangster provided by corporate. The Original Gangster (OG) will be available throughout the first year of operations as technical support and a general corporate liaison. For an initial investment of $250,000, franchisees can turn a profit in as little as a year if the proper drug and violence mobilization strategy is utilized. Call immediately to meet with corporate officials as the West Virginia area is currently limited to only 5 franchises state-wide. If you’ve dreamed of profiting off of the misery of others, this is your opportunity. Take advantage of it.

SECRET SHOPPERS wanted for local gentleman’s club. Shoppers will evaluate the club on a basis of performer evaluation, staff service, and food quality. Certain Shoppers will be selected to test the crowd control staff by simulating various unruly patron behavior such as attacking the performers, biting club staff members, and firing a weapon into a crowd. Pay is $100/day (available in singles upon request).

Independent security contractors sought to help with the protection of local corner street merchants throughout city, assisting in safeguarding point-of-sale locations throughout city and ensuring delivery of products and money. Requirements include subject having a violent criminal record and being handy with the steel (if you know what I mean). Salary will be on a commission basis taken as a percentage of product sold in contractors specific area.

Do you have gold and diamonds gathering dust in your closets? Put those items to work for you with an instant cash loan at The Quong Chin Lee Family Pawn Shop. All items composed of precious metals or gems are accepted as collateral on loans, even dental work. Certificates of ownership need not be provided as we realize that many things are precious family heirlooms that have been around for generations and as such no longer have documentation. M-F, 10-7pm. Closed on Chinese New Year.

2007 NHL Playoffs Preview

2007-04-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

Red Wings over the Devils in the Finals as Hasek musters enough together for one final run (for real this time) to beat his rival Brodeur. America watches other channels than VS as the series goes 7 games and they are riveted by the blabbering on American Idol or CSI: Rhode Island. No one outside of Detroit cares that the Stanley Cup is back in town. NHL execs scratch their heads and wonder why no fans or viewers. They spend millions on consultants to find out nothing. Somewhere in the future a no talent hack like Sanjaya has a #1 record even though my black death booze poos sound better as they hit the toilet.

Rony Seikaly, Renaissance Man

2007-04-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

What hasn't Rony Seikaly done in his life? He is one of the few NBA players who can ever claim being born in Lebanon, possibly because at that time most young men got their legs blown off by bombs or hit by hijacked planes walking to class. Regardless he did it. How many players can lay claim to being the first ever draft pick of an entire franchise? I don't know for sure but I am guessing that the number is less than 30, with Rony being one of them. Who has grabbed over 30 rebounds in a game? Not many players, but once again Rony is one of them. What about marrying a chick on the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue that is a model and not an athlete or entertainer? Meet Elsa Benitez, who also could have gone by Elsa Seikaly if she chose to (sure they're divorced now but it still counts). Mentioning her, how can I forget the Herculean task of keeping the vulturing men off of her when they go out in public? Done. What does a guy like Rony do for an encore after a career surpassing a decade with millions in the bank? Try to become a pro beach volleyball player. And why not, he is a bachelor and I hear that those swimsuit models like to hang around on the beaches of Miami.

Josh Smith Cover-Up Over

2007-04-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

With Josh Smith's recent two game suspension by the Hawks after cussing out his coaches during a game, other little tidbits about his behavior around the team have also sprouted up. Little things like going to bars in the Atlanta area before he was 21 and demanding to be served, followed by threatening to get his "peeps" and his "gat" to sort things out. Could have been a Pacman-type scene if it weren't for the intervention of a little Stanford common sense in Josh Childress. At one point during the season Josh also said something so ridiculous to Zaza Pachulia that Zaza pinned him against the locker room wall and said

"Talk to me like you just did on the court and you'll miss the rest of your
career."

Coming from a 6-11, 250lb Russian that can probably drink two gallons of Vodka while he calmly walks 300 miles to a store for bread, that cannot be considered a threat, only a promise. I'm baffled by the ability of the Hawks to keep this kind of stuff quiet in this era of anonymous tips and blogging. Is it just a case of no one paying attention to a losing team or were the Hawks covering up for a player talented enough to be the face of the franchise for the next decade? I'm betting on the latter. Of course he won't be around a week unless he remembers to keep quiet around large Russian men.

Quick Flash 04/11/2007 - Danica Patrick

2007-04-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

Imus story just won't go away. Please let Chris Henry kill someone just so I can see something else in the sports news. Howard Stern probably says worse twice a day.
Red Sox bring the whooping stick to the Mariners. So much for that Jeff Weaver as an ace theory.
A-Rod continues to cream the ball while getting over Jeter break up.
Indians victorious in "home" opener in Milwaukee.
Kevin Durant going pro. Wasn't this announced when he turned 14?
Bonzi Wells quits Rockets. Looks like he should have signed that deal with the Kings when he had the chance.