Pacman Apologizes Via Ad

Pacman took out a full page ad in The Tennessean apologizing for his actions over that past few weeks and stating that he has learned a "lifetime of lessons" from them. I assume that the lessons he means are things like:

- Take more than five steps away from entourage when they open fire on unarmed bystanders so that it looks like I might not be involved.

- Make sure guns used in shootouts are not registered to me.

- Getting suspended for a whole season costs a lot of money.

- Find a new PR person who is better at transferring blame to other entities.

- Never forget to state that it's the system that is at fault, not me.

- Use my 4.3 speed to flee the scene. And fast.

One also has to love the line about creating a scholarship for walk-on players at WVU, as if something like that is even possible since the NCAA imposes an 85 scholarship limit on each team. I might as well promise the same thing.

Pacman Searches the Classifieds

Pacman searches the want ads.

Pool Cue Inspector – Nothing can hamper a good game of pool like a defective cue stick that breaks after only one smack to the back of a human head. Tester needed to assure products meet with company standards and specifications. Must have experience with violently swinging a cue at a prone or unaware victim. Ambidextrous swingers preferred to test product strength from all angles. Competitive salary and product discounts.

Rap Video Stand In Needed for upcoming rap video shoot. Seeking applicants with dreadlocked hair AKA “dreads”, teeth covered with gold dental work AKA “grillz”, and fluent in ebonics based languages AKA “ghetto speak.” Preference will be given to those with existing tattoos, especially one’s featuring dead relatives or friends. Escalade defensive driving course is mandatory upon hiring for filming of shootout/drive by/car chase scenes in video. MANDATORY DRUG TEST. Must test positive to be offered employment.

Police K-9 Patrol Tester wanted. Subject will need to be an elite athlete capable of eluding and evading highly trained German Shepherds through the use of speed and quickness. Applicants should also be able to sprint while carrying up to 3 kilos of contraband within the anal cavity. Experience running from police dogs is not mandatory as training can be provided to quality applicants. Free coffee and donuts available while working.

Film production crew seeking experienced WEATHER CONTROL TECHNICIAN. Film will require the creation of synthetic weather environments including but not limited to creating realistic hail storms, fabricated gale force winds, and a general ability to make it rain. Experience in these areas on a professional basis is required as there is no time to train subjects unfamiliar with the techniques or methodology of the industry. Interviews will be conducted Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Call for an appointment and bring a resume with references.

Cripps seeking entrepreneurial hard working individuals to help expand the nation’s leading gang empire by purchasing a franchise in the newly created West Virginia Expansion Project. Each owner will receive employee training skills from an Original West Coast Gangster provided by corporate. The Original Gangster (OG) will be available throughout the first year of operations as technical support and a general corporate liaison. For an initial investment of $250,000, franchisees can turn a profit in as little as a year if the proper drug and violence mobilization strategy is utilized. Call immediately to meet with corporate officials as the West Virginia area is currently limited to only 5 franchises state-wide. If you’ve dreamed of profiting off of the misery of others, this is your opportunity. Take advantage of it.

SECRET SHOPPERS wanted for local gentleman’s club. Shoppers will evaluate the club on a basis of performer evaluation, staff service, and food quality. Certain Shoppers will be selected to test the crowd control staff by simulating various unruly patron behavior such as attacking the performers, biting club staff members, and firing a weapon into a crowd. Pay is $100/day (available in singles upon request).

Independent security contractors sought to help with the protection of local corner street merchants throughout city, assisting in safeguarding point-of-sale locations throughout city and ensuring delivery of products and money. Requirements include subject having a violent criminal record and being handy with the steel (if you know what I mean). Salary will be on a commission basis taken as a percentage of product sold in contractors specific area.

Do you have gold and diamonds gathering dust in your closets? Put those items to work for you with an instant cash loan at The Quong Chin Lee Family Pawn Shop. All items composed of precious metals or gems are accepted as collateral on loans, even dental work. Certificates of ownership need not be provided as we realize that many things are precious family heirlooms that have been around for generations and as such no longer have documentation. M-F, 10-7pm. Closed on Chinese New Year.

Pacman Game Over

The NFL has suspended Pacman Jones for the entire season and Chris Henry for 8 games for violations of the league's behavior policy. It should be noted that both suspensions are without pay and could force posse layoffs and downsizing to offset the lack of cash flow. Residents of Nashville, Cincinnati, and Las Vegas are being warned by city officials to keep their women and children off of the streets after sunset until the suspensions have lapsed and the two players are once again gamefully employed. If one does encounter both of them simultaneously, do not make direct eye contact or make any swift movements. Lay on the ground motionless and play dead until something shiny catches their eye and they scamper off.

Obligatory Pacman story

Pacman can not seem to enter general society at any point without some manner of violent encounter occurring. Pacman was recently bowling with friends when a man approached him and threatened to beat him up and use a knife on him. The man was arrested for aggravated assault. My amazing deductive abilities lead me to believe that there is no way that the incident was that simple. I refuse to believe that Pacman lives in a live action video game in which attackers just spring up out of the blue and attack for no reason. My explanation is that Pacman, realizing that he has claimed thug male dominance over all strip clubs, is looking to snatch back Iverson's bowling alley street cred and add "Kingpin" to his list of nicknames.

Scientology to the rescue

Amid noted thespian John Travolta's stunning revelations that the "Church" of Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith from all of her myriad of problems, including multiple drug addictions, alcoholism, nymphomania, and other craziness that is sure to pop up as time passes, officials from major sports leagues are scrambling to find out if Scientology is the answer to some of their troubled players.

According to Travolta, star of near Oscar winner Battlefield Earth, Scientology drug treatment plan Narconon is the solution to these and other problems, with only a little effort and a lot of cash required of the program participant. Narconan is rumored to work by replacing an negative addiction such as alcoholism with an addiction to giving away as much money as possible to the "Church" which is much healthier in the long run for the addict and the financial statements of the organization.

Could this mean that NFL star Pacman Jones could be "making it rain" at the Scientology Celebrity Center soon? It is possible. Reports coming out of the compound already indicate an interest by the San Diego Chargers to move their training camp there.

Pacman seeking Dream Team.

Pacman has crossed another felony off of his wishlist when he was charged with felony assault of an officer by the Georgia courts. Pacman is confident in his ability to get off with a slap on the wrist from this latest arrest. Sources say he is planning to use his considerable wealth to hire some of the superteam of lawyers, including such notable names as Johnnie Cochran and Robert Kardashian, that helped his boyhood hero, OJ Simpson, avoid double homicide charges in the 90's despite being obviously guilty. Word is the team is trying to spin the attack on the officer as a Rodney King style police beating and is even working on coming up with some "enhanced" video of the scene. Pacman declined to comment on future felonies on his wishlist, but hunting homeless people for sport is believed to be the next in line.

Pacman's Guru sure explains a lot

Darryl Moore, convicted drug dealer and one of Pacman's inner circle, weighed in on Pacman's troubles in Vegas to a local news station.

"We gotta slow down, man. We gotta get him focused on football, man. He's
focused on too much other s****," Moore said.

"You know, I was talkin' to him the other day about smokin', and he was
like ‘man, if I didn't smoke I couldn't take all the stress that I'm dealing
with right now,'" Moore said.

"Fisher's being as patient as a m*****f***** as he can. Fisher gotta win.
Fisher trying to win...He ain't putting up with that s***," Moore said.

Wow is all I can really say to that one. When convicted drug dealers are telling you to slow down and lay off of the weed, especially one that probably has his hands somewhere in Pacman's pockets, odds are that your behavior is probably way out of control. Odds are incidents are going to leak about Pacman over the next few weeks that have slipped under the radar of police. What a train wreck Pacman is. I should have included him in the "Crash and burn like Britney" post. Bummer.

Pacman tastes Redemption.

Starting to lose faith in his talents and contemplating retirement, Pacman Jones came through in the clutch this weekend. Pacman has been hearing the boos from his posse for the past few months, and even he admits that it was starting to get to him.

"You get tired everyday comin' back to ya crib and all you be hearin' is yo'
boys clownin' you, saying you ain't got it no mo. That you done. I was startin'
to believe 'em too. I've been tryin' but I just ain't been performin' like I
know I can."

Facing doubters from all corners and most importantly from inside, Pacman busted out of his slump this weekend and broke his nearly four month long arrestless streak, dating back to 10/26/2006. It almost didn't even happen despite his best efforts.

"All that hard work I did. Slammin' that ho's head against the stage. Musta
been five times. Bitin' that fool bouncer. Havin' my boyz go out blazin' out in
the lot. And still, it almost all went unnoticed. They wanted to bring me in as a witness, 'stead of arrestin' me. I told 'em, check the tape, check the tape, that's all the witness you need. Tryin' to give someone else the credit. That's how life always go. Some other fool tryin' to take credit for what you worked hard for. I'm back.
Don't be talkin' how I fell off. I'm back."

If Pacman's street cred was traded a publicly traded stock, investors could be seeing the beginning of a bull market. Pacman is officially back. Keep your strippers home and off the streets. He's coming and he's bringing the devil with him.