Quick Flash 03/12/2007 - Kari Klinkenborg

My apologies for the lack of updates over the weekend. The staff of the Donkey Carnival was in shambles after a night of never ending ridiculousness and an encounter between my chin and the forehead of a young redheaded Kevin Federline. Here's what you missed over the weekend.

• Patriots have already won 2008 Super Bowl.


• Kevin Durant is easily the best player in college basketball right now.


• Greg Oden finally is playing with the quickness of someone half his age.


• Ron Artest returns to Kings after two days of good behavior and tearful apology.


• Surprising revelation that women on tennis tour do not always like each other.


• TO didn't know entire playbook, only one's centered around himself. (Shock and horror).


• Finally Miami University, my alma mater, wins in dramatic fashion against Akron

Artest discretions kept quiet?

For those that are lamenting Ron Artest's recent breakdown into malfeasance after so many months of good behavior. Lament no more. It turns out that Sacramento police have responded to five 911 calls to Artest's house since August, including two for domestic violence. Hmm. I wonder why those incidents never made it into the national media? Maybe the Kings and city were trying to keep a key player from missing time due to suspension and costing the team a playoff run? Possibly the city of Sacramento is lenient with NBA players because they are the only pro team in town and Sacramento wants to keep them there amid rumors of their departure? Or most likely to keep him as the headliner of his local Halloween Freak Ball.

Quick Flash 03/07/2007 - Amanda Beard

• Ron Artest is crazy and beats girlfriend. At least he follows his own advice.


• Kevin McHale named #1 GM in all of sports. His own player asks "best or worst"?


• Dutch create nude gym. Only guys show up to workout (Surprise!).


• South Carolina QB recruit arrested twice in span of three days. The Gamecocks have finally arrived as a program!


• Bears trade good RB, stick with the stoner.


• Extravagant Free Agent money spent on mediocre LB (I know it could be any team at this point but I mean the Chiefs), TE with bad hands, and old QB that's held together with tape and guile.


• Browns' Tucker is officially not crazy anymore. Disclaimer: Play and associate with at own risk.

Standard Weird Ron Artest Story

Ron Artest unveiled his new "Kings" haircut, following up on a trend that he previously started with the Pacers with his "Tru Warrior" haircut used to promote his record label. While nothing is particularly unsettling about the "Kings" haircut, I would have loved to see Ron Artest walking around whatever mostly white Indiana suburb he lived in with "Tru Warrior" written on the back of his head, no doubt resembling every bit the furious black man that he is. He must have cost quite a few of the elderly to be thankful for their absorbent undergarments.