Patrick Kerney Rape Palace

A women was allegedly raped at the home of newly signed Seahawks DE Patrick Kerney. The alleged rape occurred Sunday night at a party hosted by Kerney. Kerney did not comment out of respect for the victim who is one of his friends. Evidence seems to suggest that the rapist is at least a friend of a friend of Kerney as well, possibly even a former teammate. Anyway I'm sure that Seattle is glad he is bringing this kid of mayhem to town. Maybe he'll even move into Jerramy Stevens old condo once he gets thrown out or signs with another team. Now instead of used condoms and vomit on their decks, residents will find unconscious victims or even worse wailing ones waking them up in the morning with their cries of assault.

The Jerramy Stevens Frat House Experience

Jerramy Stevens has gotten into more trouble. This time with his condo association. According to residents Stevens has subjected them to a smorgasbord of used condoms, vomit on their deck, drunken fights, loud music, and stealing parking spots since he's been a resident. He has been fined $500 a pop for each infraction that has been reported but many residents have not reported him out of fear and physical intimidation because of his size and blackness.

When I read stories like this I laugh at the humorousness of what happened and the stiff neighbors reaction to the situation, or overreaction to be more appropriate. Since they are living in a condo, it is mostly filled with young professionals, single divorcees, or the elderly. My guess is that Stevens is not the only guy coming home from the bars a little too loud from a little too much whiskey. Chances are he is not the only guy strolling in with a group of drunken guys either. I'm sure that there are plenty of young stock brokers and lawyers partying till all hours each weekend and maybe even puking on decks themselves. The difference is that these guys are getting the benefit of a knock on the door the next day telling them to keep it down while everyone is afraid to do that to Stevens because they think he'll hit them with a baseball bat.

This is not a perilous situation in which the neighbors are helpless and living with fear. All they have to do is go over and knock on his door until someone answers, and tell the drunks to keep it quiet or they'll call the cops. If Stevens does beat them with a bat, it's like Christmas in whatever month the event happens in because it would be lawsuit heaven. The bottom line is that the residents are just wusses and afraid of even talking to a guy because he's big and black. If a guy is in your parking spot, you knock on his door and get him to move. Treat him like any old frat guy who is too loud and too drunk. He's no different. Hell he might even end up inviting you to his parties.

Jerramy Stevens: Master Strategist

Jerramy Stevens, planning to take advantage of the largest salary cap surplus in NFL history combined with a relatively ordinary free agent class, spent the early part of the offseason carefully formulating a brilliant strategy with his agent in order to maximize his value. Coming off a tough year in which Stevens dropped numerous passes in the Super Bowl and regular season, it was important that Stevens be framed in the proper light during free agency. The best way to do that, they determined, was for Jerramy to get as drunk and high as possible, making sure to keep marijuana in the car for evidential purposes. Stevens then needed to drive around town recklessly until he was pulled over by a police officer. He should inform the officer that he had been drinking just to make sure that Jerramy was not accidentally mistaken as sober. Throw in a dropped cell phone and a stumble or two and the master plan would be complete. Surely every team would come clamoring for Stevens once they realized how truly stupid he could be, and therefore an empty vessel ready to be indoctrinated with a complex offensive system without having to unlearn other useless non-football information. Here's to making a plan and sticking to it.