Monday, February 19, 2007

Top 5 athletes to crash and burn like Britney

Britney Spears reached a new level of crazy over the weekend by going to a salon and demanding that they shave her head. When the stylists refused to comply, she went ahead and did it herself. After reaching a point where no one is remotely surprised by anything that she can possibly do at this point, it's remarkable to think that only 5 years ago, many people thought that she was the hottest chick on the planet. Wow, what a tumble. Here are the five athletes most like her with the high point and the low point:

  1. Dwight Gooden - Just like Britney, Dr. K was on top of the world at such a young age, winning the Rookie of the Year Award at 19, becoming the youngest to ever win the Cy Young at 20, winning the MLB pitching triple crown (most wins, most K's, lowest ERA), and winning the World Series at 21. A nice start. Then Gooden fell into a world of cocaine, booze, and rape accusations that left him reeling and ultimately resulted in his immense talent going unfulfilled. Main difference with Britney is that she was more popular than Dr. K, but she was never really talented...she was just hot.

  2. OJ Simpson - OJ was America's darling, winning the Heisman Trophy at the nation's premier football factory and then marching into the NFL and becoming the only player to rush for over 2,000 yards in what was then only a 14 game season. He then parlayed his sports career into a very successful career as a broadcaster and a pitchman. He was also a decent comedic actor. Then something inexplicably happen to derail OJ's career. To this day that particular event remains unaccounted for. His fans are still hunting for what really happened to his career. Main difference with Britney is that OJ's career took a long time to fall apart and even was able to retire from one profession and move on to others before everything fell apart.

  3. Jose Canseco - Began things on the right foot by winning the Rookie of the Year and shortly thereafter becoming the first player in baseball history to hit 40 homer and steal 40 bases in the same season. He also teamed with Mark McGwire to win a World Series and later picked one up as a hanger on with the Yankees. His career began a slow decline into irrelevance from a constant stream of bizarre incidents like letting a ball bounce of his head and over the wall as an outfielder, trying to pitch and blowing out his arm, and various domestic violence issues with his wives. After he retired, he further blighted his career by pointing out that steroid were the culprit for most of his success and telling on some other people in the process. Main difference with Britney is that Jose also got to retire from one career before he torched all of his accolades with steroid abuse. The equivalent would be if Brittney had retired and then sent out pre-airbrushed pictures of all of her photo shoots to everyone in the media.

  4. Maurice Clarett - He had a nice two year run by winning the national offensive player of the year award as a high school senior, becoming the first freshman to ever start a game for Ohio State, and leading the team to a national title over a heavily favored Miami team by making a spectacular strip of a game altering interception and then scoring the winning touchdown in overtime. Then he got suspended for taking money from boosters, victoriously sued to enter the NFL draft only to lose on appeal, showed up at the Combine the next year really fat and ran a 4.8+ 40, was somehow drafted after this and negotiated a contract that paid him only in unlikely to reach incentives, was cut before the season after bitching about not starting while being twenty pounds overweight and drinking vodka in the weight room,robbed someone at gunpoint for a cell phone in a town where everyone knows his face, and finally getting stopped by police at the conclusion of a high speed chase in a car filled with loaded guns and a hatchet while drinking vodka. Main difference from Britney is that Mo's career never reached the great heights that hers did, with him only getting a two year run at the top before shooting himself in the foot until it died.

  5. Ricky Williams - He won the Heisman Trophy in his senior year of college and was so sought after by the NFL that Mike Ditka traded all of his draft picks to move up and select him in the first round. Ricky even appeared on the cover of a magazine dressed as a bride to Ditka's groom. He had some good seasons and even made the Pro Bowl with the Dolphins. Then he inexplicably retired on the eve of the season. Later it was discovered that he failed a drug test and would have to sit out a year. He became a hippy and moved to California to learn about some strange Indian herbal medicine garbage. Then after a lawsuit from the Dolphins he came back only to get injured and then fail another test after smoking marijuana. Currently he is in the CFL where there is no drug testing. Main difference from Britney is that though Ricky's collapse was swift and prominent, it lacked the sadness of hers and became simply just a comical pothead trying not to smoke long enough to play football. Ricky probably won't be making porn in five years or in a mental institution either.

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