Friday, March 30, 2007

Gates Shows How to Deal With an Unplanned Pregnancy

Protocol dictates that upon finding out that a woman is claiming to be the father of your child, the first thing that should be done is to ask yourself if you actually slept with that woman. The second thing that should be done, according to Lionel Gates at least, is to go over to her place kick down her front door, break a couple of TVs, smack her around a little bit, kick down her bedroom door, while finally punching a hole in a wall for good measure. Collecting those three felonies will first of all show her who is boss and secondly show that kid, if it survives the pregnancy after a few more unannounced "visits" to the mama, that you want nothing to do with him and he will receive no part of your money. No part, whether that ends up being the NFL minimum salary for the next couple years or the $1.25 you make scrubbing toilets in prison. No word on whether Gates tried to blame the pregnancy on the time the woman walked by Tom Brady at a shopping mall. Thanks to PFT for finding this gem.

Pudding n Me

Corey Brewer has one thing that has to be with him at all tournament trips, Pudding, his favorite teddy bear. But that is not all.
Brewer dresses Pudding in a Spider-Man costume, and when it comes time to
leave his hotel room for a game, Brewer sits Pudding in front of the TV.
Hey it's not so weird. It's not like he brings him to every game or anything. Just the tournaments. So next year in the NBA, only expect to see Pudding (or not see him as he'll be watching on TV) during the playoffs. Whatever company makes Pudding should go to Brewer as soon as he turns pro and sign him on as an endorser. It's a great way to increase the street cred of the brand and move into an urban market that usually grows out of teddy bears at 4 when they lose their virginity or first kill a man.

Quick Flash 03/30/2007 - Gabrielle Reece

  • From KSK, women have needed to create a blog to keep up with Keith Olbermann's subpar performances. Better poor performances than out of wedlock children.
  • Suns lose to Warriors behind 8 threes from J-Rich. Seems like some people are looking ahead to the playoffs.
  • Browns looking at acquiring Trent Green. Nothing like a shell-shocked, too old QB to turn around a struggling franchise.
  • Guy runs around the world, finds a wife while he does it. Usually guys are running around the world to lose the wife they have.
  • Big Stein's daughter divorcing husband and heir to Yankees. He lasted 23 years in this "miserable" marriage just to jump ship now when he's 2 to 3 years tops away from running the most valuable team in all of sports. Where were his advisers is all I can say?
  • Michael Phelps breaks another record. Might as well keep this line copied and ready to paste as long as this whole swimming event keeps going on.
  • Mark McGwire's statue, made for the outside of Busch, is gathering dust in a warehouse. He could request to have it moved to the Cheaters Hall of Fame but he doesn't want to talk about the past.
  • D-Mat loves his early 90's movies. He must not have a DVD player yet.
  • WVU wins NIT to claim title as most mediocre team in country.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Lynn University Classes

In light of the recent discovery that Lynn University in South Florida was offering a class called "The Final Four Experience" in which students and professors attended the Final Four, focusing on what goes into putting on a major sporting event. Also included in this sham class is a Georgia Tech baseball game and an Atlanta Thrashers hockey game, which of course are both innately related to the Final Four. The Donkey Carnival decided to take a look at other classes offered at Lynn and came up with some interesting finds.

“The AVN Awards Experience”

Students and professors spend a week on site in Las Vegas at the AVN Award (AKA The Porn Oscars). The first few days are spent researching the local sex culture by visiting the many local whorehouses and strip clubs including the famous Bunny Ranch. Students will be required to know what exactly it feels like to pay for sex outside of a traditional relationship. The next two days are reading/viewing days as students “bone” up on the hundreds of movies up for awards, the biographies of the actors up for awards, and learning the history of porn through the exploits of the AVN Hall of Famers (which is no easy feat given that there are just under 200). Student will be tested on the bios and measurements of the actors and the plots of the films nominated (more than simply saying “the one with the pool guy” is required in this section). The Hall of Famers section will be utilized for the essay questions. The remaining time at the Awards show will be spent interviewing porn celebrities. Each student is required to interview three actors as well as produce one amateur film with one of the entertainers. Bonus points will be given to incorporating Hall of Famers and Best Newcummer nominees into the same film.

“The NAMBLA National Convention Experience”

Students and professors will converge on the SF headquarters of the North American Man Boy Love Association for their National Convention. Spending the weekend among the company of close to one thousand admitted homosexual child molesters is sure to provide a diverse experience that no student will soon forget. The night before the convention begins, each student will go along on a ride-along with a prominent NAMBLA officer. The student will be required to write a “how to” style paper detailing the techniques and strategies behind meeting young boys in the real world and away from the online realm. At the actual convention students will watch NAMBLA recruitment videos, read the new “How to Meet and Attract Young Boys” pamphlets, and listen to a speech from an ACLU lawyer detailing exactly how the US Constitution protects their child molesting club from prosecution but won’t let people bring a bottle of water on an airplane. There will be a multiple choice exam on the videos and pamphlets with the legal presentation as the basis of the essay question.

“The Aryan Brotherhood Experience”

Students spend five days behind bars with the nation’s largest white prison gang, The Aryan Brotherhood. Students will learn what it is like belong to the gang, prison economics, and prison gang organizational management. This class counts as a diversity requirement since the Caucasian population is the minority in the prison system. The class starts with an in depth immersion into the gang including an actual initiation of bloodily slaughtering another inmate and getting an appropriate shamrock tattoo. The next day includes a morning seminar in prison economics in which students will learn how to smuggle objects anally through the prison while making pass offs with visitors from the outside world. This session is followed by an afternoon session of bribing prison guards and properly adjusting the warden’s accounting ledger to hide the income. The next two days are spent learning the workings of the gang’s organizational management system, focusing on learning how the members of one prison communicate and manage members of another prison through notes written in invisible urine ink or somewhat sophisticated code. Also touched on will be an organizational discipline experience in which each student is individually gang raped in the showers by multiple inmates utilizing blunt and sharp objects. Students will be tested hypnotically to make sure that they are experiencing nightmares to verify that the prison rape actually occurred.

“The Bumfights Experience”

Students will immerse themselves in the culture of bum hunting and bum fighting by spending three days with the notoriously crazy bums of San Francisco. When students are finished with the course they will have a thorough understanding of the culture and lifestyle of bums that extends beyond just knowing that they stink and drink. Students accumulate one point for each bum that they kill themselves or two points for coercing two bums to kill each other for objects with a value of less than $5. Bonus points will be awarded to the student with the most imaginative and creative kills. For example a student last year tricked a bum into entering a shower that he had rigged into a Nazi style gas chamber. So creativity is rewarded. Note: For some majors this class may satisfy the school art requirement.

“The Sports Blogger Experience”

Each student will spend five days with a “famous” sports blogger. The class will consist of the student watching the blogger click around furiously on the Internet looking for anything that Deadspin has not put up yet interspersed with the blogger masturbating to homosexual erotica in 30 second clips on a free porn site. The student passes the course by deciding that this lifestyle is ridiculously boring and uneventful and then leaving the class by the third day. Staying past the third day results in an automatic failure because it is obvious at this point that the student has learned nothing.

Dolan gets a leg up.

Nothing like going out for a little jaunt on the grounds of your Long Island estate, lighting up a nice morning Cuban as you watch the sunrise over the coastal horizon. Then you find a severed leg. That is precisely what happened to James Dolan, CEO of Cablevision, the NY Knicks, and the NY Rangers. No word yet on whether the wash up is a random occurrence or a result of Dolan's "tough negotiation" style. Also in question is who the leg once belonged to (Penny Hardaway anyone?). Either way, whenever I cut off a guys leg I am careful to let the leg decompose in a bathtub full of hydrochloric acid so that it doesn't accidentally turn up if the tide is weird or a dog digs it up.

Quick Flash 03/29/2007 - Mia Hamm

  • CBA coach suspended after Jewish slurs. Weird that one minority would bash others.
  • Urbina gets 14 years. Kind of a light sentence for attacking guys with a machete and pouring kerosene on them, but then again those years are gong to be in a Venezuelan jail where he will likely be eating rats and sleeping in swamp water.
  • Michael Phelps breaks another world record. With the hot streak Phelps is on he should start playing the lottery.
  • OJ Mayo misses the game winner at the McDonald's All American Game. Probably too busy posing for his Hall of Fame bust.
  • Sabathia hit by linedrive in last spring training game. Third time in three springs that he's been injured. At least this time it has nothing to do with being fat.
  • Ukraine swim coach suspended after hitting daughter at Worlds. Ukraine is not weak! It is strong!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Interesting week for King James.

It has been an interesting week for King James both on and off the court. On the court the Cavaliers defeated the Pacers to clinch a playoff spot in the East, continuing their hot streak after the All-Star break when Lebron suddenly started trying again after a lackluster (for him) first half of the season.

Off the court, albeit pretty closely off the court, King James' son, Lebron Jr., caused some controversy by laying on a towel in front of the Cavs bench, inches from the court and the certain doom that could come from large falling athletes ala Dusty Baker's kid a few years ago. Though there were two ball boys stationed closely by to protect the Prince, I find it hard to believe that they would not save themselves if Eddie Curry's large belly came tumbling their way.

On the entertainment side of the one man industry that is Lebron, King James has signed on to co-host the ESPYs with Jimmy Kimmel. That night will be an important one for James if he wants to show that he has the comedic ability and stage presence to be an actor, which is no doubt a part of the plan to make Lebron the richest man in the world and a global icon. Here's to hoping that he can do better than Kazaam in the acting department.

Lebron also had some news in his personal life as the King is building a palace in a suburb of Akron to go with the house he already owns out there and the luxury apartment in downtown Cleveland. When completed the house will have over 35k square feet and include such amenities as a bowling alley, barber shop, and 11 bedrooms. Hopefully this major building project is a sign of commitment to the Cavs when LBJ becomes a free agent again after the 2009 or 2010 seasons.

Also worth noting is that the LBJ23 Nike brand will be getting plenty of exposure this weekend as the Ohio State Buckeyes play in the Final Four wearing the specially designed jerseys. After the close escapes the Buckeyes have lived through, it seems that enough of the Lebron magic might be present in the jerseys to make them a permanent OSU fixture.

It's a busy week in the life of a global icon and it won't get any easier when the playoffs roll around or the sure to be busy offseason filled with endorsements and public appearances. One has to wonder whether he is pulling a Michael Keaton in Multiplicity and simply having clones do his work for him. If anyone could pull off making a cloning machine, it would be Lebron.

UFC buys out the competition.

The UFC announced the purchase of its main rival, Pride FC, which is based out of Japan. The move will bring most of the world's top MMA fighters together under one company although the two leagues will continue to be run as separate entities but will utilize the same rules. The merger makes possible future super fights between champions like Wanderlei Silva and Chuck Liddell, who had such a bout cancelled in November because of disagreements between the two organizations. Pride fell onto hard times financially when they lost their lucrative TV contract after allegations surfaced regarding possible ties to organized crime. The UFC purchase should allow for a renewed TV contract as well as providing current UFC fighters an ability to increase their international profile by fighting in front of the 80k+ crowds that regularly fill Japanese arenas to watch MMA, compared to the 30k that usually watch in the United States. My personal hope is that Pride also switches to the octagon style cage employed by the UFC in lieu of their current boxing ring type setup. The cage limits the number of restarts which occur quite frequently when fighters get tangled up in the ropes.

Zach Randolph in Mourning

Zach Randolph was given a few days off by the Blazers after the recent death of his girlfriend's cousin as a result of a shooting in his hometown of Marion, IN. Randolph, horribly stricken with grief spent last Tuesday night celebrating, err mourning, the death at a local strip club while his teammates played a game against the Wizards. Randolph paid tribute to his fallen comrade by paying the strip club at least the $106 on his tab, which likely did not include lap dances or adventures in the champagne room. Nothing sooths one's tears like silicon boobies. Great way to show a commitment to the team that is paying him over $10M/year to suit up for them and play hard. I would definitely want him on my team if I were a contender.

Quick Flash 03/28/2007 - Gina Carano

  • Frank Gore gets a new deal. Good thing for him since he probably only has a year or two left in those knees.
  • Roger Federer loses match. Rivers run with blood. Death of first born child imminent.
  • Old March Madness fame dies hard, crazy fans are tough to shake no matter how small a market you are playing in, and the ABA pays in chicken nuggets.
  • Prime example of why chicks should not be sportswriters: They lack logic and reason.
  • 350lb lineman can do a backflip. If NFL dreams fail, has career as sideshow freak as a fallback (or is it a flipback in this case?).
  • Sidney Lowe's son is a criminal but not a Bungle, but team is likely impressed with the 22 charges pending against him..
  • Chris Henry gets arrested again and is for sure a Bungle.
  • OJ Mayo calls the shots in his life and give his cell number to no one.
  • Could Dhani Jones soon be free to go dancin' in the streets?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

From the Grotesque Injury Department

Jorge Garbajosa landed awkwardly while defending a shot, displacing his ankle, breaking a bone, and damaging ligaments. Garbajosa could be out up to six months, severely hurting the Raptors playoff hopes this season and impacting them next year. For those not familiar with Garbajosa, he is the glue that holds the team together, providing outside shooting to keep big men from doubling Bosh, passing out of the post, and shot blocking on defense. Seems like these grotesque YouTube NBA injury clips are going around this year.

The softness of American youth.

As seen on With Leather a high school golfer was apparently scarred for life after a wedgie. What male in our country has not received a wedgie or an attempted one at some point. The 13 year old "victim" doubled over in pain and cried for half an hour according to his mother. The last time I cried for half an hour was when I was 6. When I was 13 I nearly ripped my right thumb off playing school yard football. I continued to play and concealed the injury for two days until my mom made me go to the hospital. What has changed so much in the past ten years that has created such a softness and fragility in our culture? No one can tough it out anymore. They cry to their parents about bullies instead of learning how to take care of them themselves. Parents sue over wedgies, towel whips, and fraternity hazing. What's next? Are the Marines going to start crying on TV over what their drill instructor says or does to them? We are leaving America in a very sad and sorry state if the only somewhat tough men are in the military and the rest know more about color coordination than busting heads. At this rate our country will be taken over by a herd of mountain goats sometime in the next five years.

Man loses ear over soccer game.

Soccer matches outside the United States have once again proven to be entertaining. A man had his ear bitten off in a brawl after Greece lost to Turkey in a European Championships Qualifier. The best part was that this brawl did not even happen at the game or in the parking lot. It happened completely away from the stadium at a bar where men were watching the game on TV. The fight started because a group of Turkish fans were cheering each goal that their country scored. How much worse could the fight have been if it had happened in the stadium parking lot. Would the man's face have been bitten off Hannibal Lecter style? Would the attackers had eaten his organs as proof of Turkish soccer dominance over Greece? What has been the most intense thing to happen at an American soccer match? Well first of all we don't even have pro soccer so it probably happened at the grade school level when two dads brawled over the cut list of the super duper elite travel team their kids were trying out for.

UNC Mascot dies after crash.

The UNC student that has donned the Ramseses costume has died three days after getting hit by a SUV while walking along the side of the road at night. Jason Ray, who was set to graduate in May, was hit while just going to a convenience store for a late night snack. This has been one of the only times that a person might have been better off to be wearing their silly mascot ensemble. He probably would not have been hit by the car or at least would have received a ton more cushioning from the blow.

Sheed gunning for Mr. Big Shot

Rasheed Wallace sent the Pistons to overtime against the Nuggets when he drained a 60ft shot at the buzzer. It really should come as no surprise for anyone who watches pregame warm ups where Sheed regularly practices 40ft jumpers with either hand and hits a surprisingly high amount of these shots. Looks like the practice was worth it. Now he should practice not griping to the refs and focus on stealing Billups' Mr. Big Shot moniker.

Quick Flash 03/27/2007 - Steffi Graf

  • Eagles acquire Takeo Spikes from the Bills along with Kelly Holcomb, whom is no doubt soon to be on Momma McNabb's hitlist.
  • Briggs to be a Redskin soon? 'Skins still expected to fail miserably next season.
  • Three prospects accept invites to NFL Draft. Wonder who will be the Rashard Lewis of the green room invitees?
  • Lidle's widow sues Snoopy over lack of payout.
  • Artest to retire or play overseas? One surety is that he will be seeking attention.
  • George Karl proves nepotism exists in the NBA.
  • From the obvious file: Vegas police recommend charges against Pacman.

Monday, March 26, 2007

The "Average" Oden

6.5 points, 8.5 rebounds, and 0.5 blocks. That is what Anthony Oden, brother (allegedly) of wunderkind Greg Oden, averaged over the Ohio High School Final Four. How does a 6'8", 270lb junior only average 0.5 blocks over the two most important games of the season? Most high school teams are lucky to have a 6'3" guy playing center while eating at Old Country Buffet befor the game to get his weight over 210. Especially in the championship game in which Oden's Dayton Dunbar team faced an Upper Sandusky team reminiscent of Hickory from the "Hoosiers" movie. Upper Sandusky had their Jimmy Chitwood in Ohio State bound John Diebler, a white guy Mr. Basketball who had one heck of a stat line. Try this: 48 points, 10 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 blocks and 7 steals. While scoring 48 of 85 points, taking 19 of the 21 free throws, and taking 21 of the teams 42 threes. Guess we know who might make it to the NBA one day and who is likely to be sitting in the audience at SNL while watching a much better older brother succeed again where you have failed time and time again.

Peyton Manning is Funny.

As much as it pains me to say that that douchebag does anything well, let alone well enough for me to enjoy watching him. He was hilarious on Saturday Night Live, which is no small feat in itself anymore with the garbage and unhumor that typically fills that show. Of course they had to show Eli as well. I'd love to see what Eli looked like getting hammered at the wrap party and hitting on the non-hot cast members.

Quick Flash 03/26/2007 - Daniela Hantuchova

  • Hoyas beat UNC, which forgot that there was an overtime period to play.
  • Florida victorious over the Ducks who came up short literally and figuratively all game long.
  • Buckeyes beat Memphis using only Oden's age and maturity as weapons.
  • UCLA over Kansas with a D reminiscent of the Pistons.
  • Texans cut David Carr and Domanick Williams (i.e. Davis) without even getting a draft pick for the former #1 draft pick and 1000 yard rusher who are both in their mid-twenties. Talk about throwing talent away.
  • Military officials poised to receive slaps on the wrist for lying about Pat Tillman's death.
  • Tiger wins another championship (or is someone just showing the same video footage over and over again).
  • Biggest idiot on TV ousted from MNF booth.
  • NBA hits Arenas with fines stemming from $10 bets with fans. But don't tell him that he's quirky.
  • D-Mat chosen in first round of my fantasy baseball league?

Friday, March 23, 2007

My apologies

No posts until Sunday afternoon as I have a wild group of buddies in town. Should have some good stories though. Just for the heck of it here is Amanda Beard. And don't worry I have a water bottle to store all of my expensive jewelry in.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Pope meets Satan?

Boxing promoter Don King got a front row seat with Pope Benedict XVI ( means "the 16th") on Wednesday. Much speculation has arose as to what exactly Don King was doing with the pope. Some theologians feel that it is a sign of an impending apocalypse since King is believed by many to be the Anti-Christ. A Yahoo! search of the terms "Don King" and "Satan" will yield close to 8 million hits. And as well all know from collegiate term papers and celebrity slander, if something is on the Internet, then it must be true.

I'd say don't jump to too many conclusions too quickly about Don King. It is possible that he was there to ask forgiveness for the man that he beat to death over owed money or the countless boxers that he has screwed out of millions of dollars over the years. After all he is in his mid-70s and does not have much time left so why not take advantage of the sacrament of reconciliation and all of the beautiful forgiveness that comes with it. King can probably have his personal assistant say most of the Hail Marys for him anyway freeing him up to visit Rome and rob a few blind beggars along the way.

But I don't wanna play for Duke anymore!

Noted softie post player Josh McRoberts is forgoing his last two years of eligibility at Duke to declare for the WNBA draft. McRoberts has tired of the constant criticism at Duke for his lack of toughness in the post and the way he wilts defensively when larger, bigger boys start bumping into him (they even use their elbows sometimes, that's not allowed). Coach K, like any good Kindergarten teacher, grew tired of the crying and reluctance to take the next steps in life development and agreed it was time for him to move on to the WNBA. There he can be happy knowing that no one will make fun of his My Little Pony panties and he won't have to have the biggest set of balls on the team just because he plays the post. I hate Duke, but I will miss seeing McRoberts embarrass the title of McDonald's All American.

LaRussa is turning into a wuss.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was arrested last night after being found passed out at the wheel of his car with it still running and in gear. Police arrived at the scene and waited while LaRussa slept through two traffic lights without moving. They then knocked on the window repeatedly and failed to get a response from the Cards' skipper. After finally waking him up it was discovered that the only thing keeping the car from being in motion was that he happened to pass out with his foot on the brake. LaRussa's blood alcohol level was measured at a 0.93.

How in the heck do you pass out at the wheel of a running car with only a 0.93? Unless he was passed out for hours and sobered up while waiting for the cops to arrest him or was taking one of the many sleeping pills that result in bizarre incidents. That is just a small and weak amount of alcohol to cause such an embarrassing mishap. I meant this guy in Lithuania was driving a semi with 18 times the legal limit of booze still in his bloodstream and was still able to function when he should have been long dead. And then there is LaRussa with his lousy 4 beers in one hour (speculation on my part) performance that not only caused him to pass out but he probably peed his Depends as well. Maybe even some poo but I won't be the one to ask that question at his next press conference (The Donkey Carnival does not yet have a press credential).

This incident underscores a disturbing trend in LaRussa's behavior in which he is starting to show his true colors as a wuss instead of a genius. Coupled with that silly tribal tattoo that he got a few weeks ago to fulfill a promise he made to his daughters (since when does a man of genius take orders from 15 year olds?), where LaRussa's behavior could end up next is anyone's guess. Will he get frosted tips? Will he get caught at a LFO concert buying 14 year olds beer and cigarettes while trying to get invited to the spring formal? Will he start shopping at only Abercrombie and American Eagle? Does he vote on American Idol and watch America's Next Top Model? A once great man has fallen out of manhood and into boyishness so quickly it seems like an episode of The Twilight Zone with Tony LaRussa becoming more like noted wuss Daniel LaRusso everyday.

Quick Flash 03/22/2007 - Katarina Witt

  • Ohio U soccer player dies on Spring Break after drunken fall from five stories while climbing the side of the hotel. Ironically I did the same thing on SB, without falling of course.
  • Fantasy Basketball seasons fall to ruin before playoffs with Villaneuva and Bogut out for season and Allen and Paul contemplating shutdowns. Proves that luck is more important than skill.
  • Tony Dungy opposes gay marriage.
  • Indemand offers to match DirecTV's baseball deal to bring the sport back to the masses. Of course since it's a match, baseball says that it's not enough money.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Found Big Daddy?

A mystery that has puzzled scientists over the past few weeks may have solve a puzzle for the Miami Dolphins. At least 60 bottlenosed dolphins have been stranded on Texas beaches over the past few weeks resulting in their deaths. Deaths are not uncommon during calving season but this year the number is four times what is considered normal. Most of the carcasses were in such an advanced state of decomposition that autopsies were unable to be performed. It is possible that missing Dolphins DT Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson was apart of this migration. Although Wilkinson's age makes it unlikely, Dolphins have been known to leave the pod and have a mid-life crisis in order to mate with much younger females. Wilkinson may have left the pod as well on a mating expedition but his obesity may have led to his demise by making him too fat to swim properly.

All everyone can do for the moment is speculate. It is too early to tell if one of the dolphin carcasses that washed up on the beaches of Texas was a 6'4", 350lb black man who went to Ohio State. Wilkinson's dental records may have to be utilized to identify him. Then again he may simply be off in some secluded lagoon hideaway with a much younger female. Regardless scientists are taking no chances in figuring out what happened to Wilkinson and the other dolphins. They have brought in Mike Shanahan, Big Daddy's future coach and noted Ultimate Leader, to help sort through the situation by organizing the groups of scientists into research teams and consulting the horde of bounty hunters that he uses to scout players. The Ultimate Leader has utilized this team of bounty hunters during the acquisitions of Maurice Clarett, Gerard Warren, and Bill Romanowski.

Of Jacksonville, KKK devils, and hicks

Video of Khalif Barnes during his DUI arrest last season has surfaced in Jacksonville. In the video Barnes refers to the cops as "white KKK devils" and the town of Jacksonville as "full of hicks". The funniest part I think is that Barnes does not appear to be drunk in any of the video and never slurs his speech. For a team that is already having problems putting fans in the seats, Barnes might have struck a chord that forces the team to cut or trade him to avoid an outcry by the fans. Of course they should wait until the have KKK day at the stadium first to at least get one sell out this season.

Quick Flash 03/21/2007 - Tanith Belbin

  • George Karl's son Cobi has cancer. Nothing to joke about there.
  • Big Baby ready to turn pro. Reportedly has eyes on $106/day meal money.
  • Bob Uecker still has stalkers? Is this stalker still going to be following him when he is in a home pissing in his depends while he holds a carrot like a microphone?
  • Butch Davis has mouth cancer. I'm sure some deranged Browns fans might have a few things to say about karma.
  • SF Giants stadium going solar. Probably to keep the naked Berkley tree people away from the diamond.
  • Schaub traded to Texans. Vick free to celebrate in any way he wants...until it's time to drug test.
  • Jerramy Stevens not coming back to Seattle. Maintenance workers at his condo break out into applause.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Hottest NBA Scout Ever.

So much for the days of scouts being fat old men that exist on a diet of fast food, cigars, and bourbon. Bonnie-Jill Laflin is an assistant GM and a NBA scout. You can see more photos of her here on her modelling website. Wow is all that I can say. Not many scouts can say that they were in Maxim's Hot 100. I bet if she ever makes it to an NBA team she will have trouble keeping free agents from jumping ship to play for her team, even if it is in a redo franchise in Vancouver. Not only is she hot but is also good at her job. She has won two championship rings as a scout with the Lakers (She also has a ring that she won as a cheerleader with the 49ers. I didn't even know they won rings). So in a nutshell, BJ is a world class knockout that is flexible and athletic enough to be a cheerleader and can have an intelligent sports conversation with you while probably watching more games than you. Where do I sign up for the long term contract?

Spring Break Mud Wrestling

A little Spring Break mud wrestling from South Padre and collegehumor to break up the monotony of the day. Typically the uglier beast like girl whoops on the hotter more attractive girl. But the hot girl probably enjoys being on her back and uses the flop on the back while holding onto the closest person maneuver to ensnare men into superficial and traumatizing relationships.

Patrick Kerney Rape Palace

A women was allegedly raped at the home of newly signed Seahawks DE Patrick Kerney. The alleged rape occurred Sunday night at a party hosted by Kerney. Kerney did not comment out of respect for the victim who is one of his friends. Evidence seems to suggest that the rapist is at least a friend of a friend of Kerney as well, possibly even a former teammate. Anyway I'm sure that Seattle is glad he is bringing this kid of mayhem to town. Maybe he'll even move into Jerramy Stevens old condo once he gets thrown out or signs with another team. Now instead of used condoms and vomit on their decks, residents will find unconscious victims or even worse wailing ones waking them up in the morning with their cries of assault.

Being a Cop has its Perks

St. Louis officials are investigating allegations that police officers used seized World Series tickets to attend the game and then returned the tickets to evidence after the game was over. You can't really blame the guys too much. You don't want the tickets to go to waste and it's not liked they are unusable as evidence now. We're not in the days of punched or ripped tickets. It makes you wonder what else these guys might be up to. Maybe special police auctions where they sell the Ferrari and Lamborghini from the drug bust, top police officials only of course. Maybe "borrowing" a couple grand from a large cash seizure for a little loan. No wonder these guys can survive on their salaries.

HS Fight Club

Brawls broke out in the stands at Madison Square Garden during a high school basketball game. The kids proved that they learned from the Pistons-Pacers brawl and then some. There were girls fighting guys, police in riot gear, and even gun fire. When I go to a high school basketball game the first thing I always remember to bring is my heat. That way I'm safe in case I get attacked by high school thugs or NBA thugs.

Quick Flash 03/20/2007 - Kirsten Belin

  • Russian swimmers are tougher than jellyfish. Even when they get stung in the face.
  • US Soccer great Cobi Jones is retiring. Who? He's probably sick of getting hounded by the press everywhere he goes.
  • Crazy hippies at Berkley getting naked in the trees to keep new stadium from getting built. From With Leather. These same people probably deny the crazy homeless guys in SF their change.
  • Hooters is opening a new restaurant in Israel. One of the last things I ever expected to read. Are they going to importing chicks to work there? How will these ditsy blonds respond to bombings and gunfire?
  • According to Peter King, Lance Briggs a candidate to get traded to Patriots.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Wells' Magic May Be Gone

San Diego Padres Pitcher David Wells recently revealed that he has Type II Diabetes caused by his many years of living a drunken unhealthy Babe Ruth influenced lifestyle. The concern here is not for Wells' health. It was probably not that likely that he would live past 50 anyway given his tendency to run his mouth at inappropriate times. The real issue is the way that Wells has altered his diet.

"From the time I found out, I made changes. No more starches and sugar. No more rice, pasta, potatoes and white bread. No more fast food. I've cut out alcohol."

The key word is alcohol. Can this now elderly pitcher suddenly reinvent himself in his forties after a career of pitching some of his best games while still drunk from the night before? Can he keep the pinpoint precision on his curveball while his hand shakes uncontrollably from booze withdrawl? The answers to those questions remain unclear at this point.

What is clear is that Wells may have seen the end of his drinking days as early as 1999 when he lead a charitable drive to raise money for juvenile diabetes. He had to have known that the Diabetic Beast was coming for him and his bottle of booze. That makes it more admirable that he stared down certain death and limb amputation multiple times a week and still did not even flinch as he took each shot at the bar and drank each "roadie" on the ride home. I hope that if Wells ever makes it to Cooperstown, that his plaque would commemorate more than just his playing career. That it could somehow capture his courage.

Can Clyde get out of Hakeem's Shadow?

Clyde Drexler, among a cast of other washed up actors and athletes including Apolo Anton Ohno and Laila Ali, is prepared to finally chase down the elusive athletic title that he has been unable to win when not paired with The Dream. He could not do it with a Trail Blazers team loaded with talent in Terry Porter, Buck Williams, and Jerome Kersey. Some may argue that he did it on The Dream Team. Though he may not have been in Olajuwon's large shadow, he was completely engulfed by the nation encompassing shadow of one Michael Jeffrey Jordan. Up to this point in his athletic career Clyde has only tasted championship glory as a second fiddle. Now he has a chance to turn that all around.

It will take craft and cunning on his part to beat back the challenges of such worthy adversaries as the old mail man from Cheers, the other gay guy from NSYNC, a mulletted country music one hit wonder, and a middle aged former teen heart throb from 90210. Clyde will have his size working against him, both his imposing height and his larger than normal feet. Can he navigate the pitfalls of the waltz, tango, and foxtrot without tripping his partner? Can he swing dance while dancing with a partner nearly a foot shorter than him without looking foolish? Clyde thinks he can, and so do I. The drama begins tonight at 8pm on ABC. Be there or actually have a life.

Joey Porter ready for Bumfights

Joey Porter, mindful of the day when he will be penniless and living under a bridge like so many pro athletes before him with no skills off the athletic field, auditioned for Bumfights recently by getting into a brawl with Bungles OT Levi Jones. The fight started because the two don't like each other (of course a great reason for getting arrested while on vacation). Sadly Jones was not arrested, leaving the Bungles' streak of good behavior intact for the moment. In fact according to PFT, Jones got destroyed by Porter and did not even land a punch. So not only did Jones not get arrested. He was beaten up my a much smaller man, in public, who also happens to be a former division rival. Sad day for the Bungles. Good day for Porter who added another notch to his belt of AFC North players whose ass he kicked.

Sweet 16 Surprise

Among the many shocks at this year's Sweet 16 is not the seeds that made it in, as no seed lower than a 7 qualified this year. It's more a shock of the abundance of successful coaches that have become fixtures in the Sweet 16 that have not made it this year. To start of Jim Calhoun and Jim Boeheim did not even make the tournament this year. Mike Krzyzewski, Lute Olson and Bobby Knight took a plane home after the first round. Gary Williams went home in the second. All in all it's not a great year to be a historically enormously successful college coach this year. At least the crappy coaches like Rick Barnes and Mike Davis are sitting at home also. I wonder if the same thing is happening on the women's side of the bracket. But that would require watching and/or reading about the games which is way too much effort for that silly piece of information. I'd rather look at girls in swimsuits...riding horses.

Tony Harding's Decent Into Madness

Tonya Harding called police last week in a frantic 911 call. Harding stated that people were trying to break into her house and stash weapons on her property. Police immediately knew that she was not speaking with a clear and logical head because she does not live in a house, but a trailer. Anyone who suggests that a trailer is a house is clearly insane. They also deduced insanity from the failed pro boxing career, sex tape, and that whole thing that happened with Nancy Kerrigan. Doctors warn that without proper care and treatment, Harding may reach Darren Daulton levels of insanity. Well at least she's still got her looks and figure as you can see from the picture above. Get ready for her appearance as a future Quick Flash Girl.

Quick Flash 03/19/2007 - Holly McPeak

  • Bikini Football. Great way to start the day courtesy of With Leather.
  • Tiger not perfect. Possibly distracted by hot wife and vault full of cash.
  • Survivor Richard Hatch survived the showers of prison, that "horrendous" place. He's going to write everyone a story telling what it was like.
  • Ron Lewis made the most coldblooded three ever to keep my beloved Buckeyes alive in the tourney. Oden also jacked a guy sending the Mouseketeer flying.
  • Wisconsin sent packing, along with Purdue, Indiana, Illinois, and Michgian State. In other news the world realizes that the Big Ten was overrated.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The Jerramy Stevens Frat House Experience

Jerramy Stevens has gotten into more trouble. This time with his condo association. According to residents Stevens has subjected them to a smorgasbord of used condoms, vomit on their deck, drunken fights, loud music, and stealing parking spots since he's been a resident. He has been fined $500 a pop for each infraction that has been reported but many residents have not reported him out of fear and physical intimidation because of his size and blackness.

When I read stories like this I laugh at the humorousness of what happened and the stiff neighbors reaction to the situation, or overreaction to be more appropriate. Since they are living in a condo, it is mostly filled with young professionals, single divorcees, or the elderly. My guess is that Stevens is not the only guy coming home from the bars a little too loud from a little too much whiskey. Chances are he is not the only guy strolling in with a group of drunken guys either. I'm sure that there are plenty of young stock brokers and lawyers partying till all hours each weekend and maybe even puking on decks themselves. The difference is that these guys are getting the benefit of a knock on the door the next day telling them to keep it down while everyone is afraid to do that to Stevens because they think he'll hit them with a baseball bat.

This is not a perilous situation in which the neighbors are helpless and living with fear. All they have to do is go over and knock on his door until someone answers, and tell the drunks to keep it quiet or they'll call the cops. If Stevens does beat them with a bat, it's like Christmas in whatever month the event happens in because it would be lawsuit heaven. The bottom line is that the residents are just wusses and afraid of even talking to a guy because he's big and black. If a guy is in your parking spot, you knock on his door and get him to move. Treat him like any old frat guy who is too loud and too drunk. He's no different. Hell he might even end up inviting you to his parties.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Brandon Short can duck really well.

Giants LB Brandon Short got a little more than he bargained for when he was shopping in a Greenwich Village jewelry store. Instead of picking up a promise ring or an apology ring or some foolishness like that, Short was a bystander in a semi-automatic weapons shootout. Short laid flat on the ground in the back of the jewelry store as police exchanged fire with the gunman. The gunman had robbed the bar next door earlier and killed two police officers and a bartender in the process. The gunman had snuck around town wearing a fake beard and carrying a large bag filled with two semi-automatic weapons and 100 rounds. The perpetrator finally went out shooting, falling after police fired 56 shots at him, many of which passed over Short as he lay on the ground in the back of the jewelry store. Moral of story: Don't trust a guy wearing a fake beard who is not on a movie set. He is likely trying to disguise his identity for the purposes of committing a heinous crime.

Quick Flash 03/16/2007 - Summer Sanders

  • NBA All-Star Game to go overseas? Trading thugs shooting bouncers for soccer hooligans flipping over cars and burning them? Seems like a great trade. Billy King must somehow be involved.
  • Pippen still begging for teams...
  • Kris Benson out for season with rotator cuff injury. Maybe it occurred from slapping around a certain person's funbags just a little too much?
  • Streets of Chicago will be safe for four months.
  • Scott Pollard want your kids to do drugs. No doubt that Josh Heytvelt blames him for his psychedelic problems.
  • Big Daddy is MIA. Then again Miami is awfully close to the Bermuda Triangle...
  • D-league guy has his own shoe? What? What's next? Best guy at Bally's gets a deal?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Holyfield unsure about things

Evander Holyfield expressed uncertainty after his recent naming in the Orlando steroids raid. But punch drunk as he is, he is probably unsure about a lot of things these days. like where to take a number 2, when it is appropriate to dance, and what keeps happening to all of his money. But one thing he should not be unsure about is that he used HGH. The evidence weighs heavily against him. An alias listed in the Orlando pharmacy record refers to an "Evan Fields" and the phone number listed on the page was answered by Holyfield when called. Then who can forget his retirement in 1994 from having a hole in his heart, coupled with a "miraculous" return a few years later. It's quite possible that the "miracle" was merely the organ regrowing and regenerating effects that HGH can cause, especially in an organ made of muscle like the heart. Combine this knowledge with his sudden rise back to the top of boxing after being washed up in 1993 due to the heart condition. All of a sudden he goes from retired to beating Mike Tyson twice, going the distance with Lennox Lewis (a much superior fighter and specimen), and fighting numerous other fights. The entire situation reeks of a desperate fighter whose body was failing him in 1993 that stumbled upon a fountain of youth called HGH that restored his injured heart, gave him back his speed, and restored his vitality. Holyfield should be confused about a lot of things these days after the amount of punishment he has taken during his career. But one thing that he should not be confused about is whether he used HGH and why everyone would think that he did.

Vick opens Thunderbird Emporium

Michael Vick has made the latest splash on the Atlanta restaurant with the opening of his new wine themed restaurant, The Tasting Room. The Tasting Room will focus on providing a fine dining culture for the urbane gangster. The restaurant will feature a dress code that requires sports coats, platinum jewelry, and does not allow guns, though the booths come with bulletproof glass shields just in case. The menu will offer the thuggish delights that patrons are accustomed to. Thunderbird, Cisquo, Night Train and other citrus wine favorites headline the wine portion of the menu. However if wine does not strike the palate that night, one can grab an Old English, Schlitz, or Mickey's which are all available on tap or in a frosted 40. The food is a delightful fare of barbecued and fried pork products sprinkled in with the occasional catfish dish. Dessert is served off of the nude bodies of strippers as they lay horizontal on tables in front of the customer. No detail is left to chance as even the aroma of the place, a pungent dank indescribable mixture, reminds patrons of the urban culture. On the whole the restaurant rates at a solid five pimp smacks and is sure to become part of the Atlanta night scene for years to come.

The Great Kobe Bryant Witch Trials

Kobe Bryant, master of the flying elbow and expensive apology jewelry, is in hot water at the moment as a result of that mysterious flying elbow/follow through on the jumper. After the latest incident involving Marco Jaric occurred, the NBA is taking a closer look at Kobe Bryant. Lakers coach Phil Jackson, noted master of the spiritual, is calling the investigation a "witch hunt". It is not that far fetched to think that Phil Jackson's brilliance is on such a farther plane than ours that he sees the situation for what it really is. He knows that the source of Kobe's basketball ability is the use of witchcraft and hexes on other teams (like the Kings and Blazers specifically).

Questions should have arose earlier when an upper middle class child of affluence and education displayed such a hunger and drive to excel in a sport dominated by those growing up impoverished. And then there was the way he was able to "magically" extricate himself from legal responsibility after "allegedly" raping a hotel employee in Colorado. And now being able to drain jumpers while simultaneously smashing opponents in the face with an elbow. Kobe has just had too much coincidental magic happen during his career to think that he wasn't involved in witchcraft. Let's hope that David Stern can uncover the root of the evil in this equation and come up with an appropriate punishment for Kobe.

Jerramy Stevens: Master Strategist

Jerramy Stevens, planning to take advantage of the largest salary cap surplus in NFL history combined with a relatively ordinary free agent class, spent the early part of the offseason carefully formulating a brilliant strategy with his agent in order to maximize his value. Coming off a tough year in which Stevens dropped numerous passes in the Super Bowl and regular season, it was important that Stevens be framed in the proper light during free agency. The best way to do that, they determined, was for Jerramy to get as drunk and high as possible, making sure to keep marijuana in the car for evidential purposes. Stevens then needed to drive around town recklessly until he was pulled over by a police officer. He should inform the officer that he had been drinking just to make sure that Jerramy was not accidentally mistaken as sober. Throw in a dropped cell phone and a stumble or two and the master plan would be complete. Surely every team would come clamoring for Stevens once they realized how truly stupid he could be, and therefore an empty vessel ready to be indoctrinated with a complex offensive system without having to unlearn other useless non-football information. Here's to making a plan and sticking to it.

Quick Flash 03/15/2007 - Inge de Bruijn

  • Steve Nash is a cold blooded killer. Just nasty with the game on the line this year.
  • Cavs heating up, starting to take control of the East. Watch out Pistons.
  • Bucks fire Stotts, hire Krystkowiak. Getting rid of a no name and hiring a name no one can pronounce. Sounds like a plan to me.
  • Gamecock's QB recruit Stephen Garcia enters counseling. The highly touted recruit is finally starting to build himself some national recognition, ala Willie Williams & Mo Clarett.
  • Insane SI writer claims NHL is "sane" asylum of sports. April's Fools Day is a few weeks away. Or maybe he just likes it better because of the lack of a certain darker persuasion of people.
  • Championship throws Manning off of usual routine (a cross between openly weeping, cursing the names of Belicheck and Brady, and filming excessively stupid commercials).

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Tyrone Lewis vs Bloods

Tyrone Lewis, basketball player for NCAA tournament bound Niagara, has faced much scarier opponents than the #1 seeded Kansas Jayhawks. Lewis had to face the wrath of the infamous Bloods in high school after his sister testified against the gang. As a result, Lewis gave his class president's speech at his high school via close close circuit TV from an undisclosed location for his own protection. Additionally when Lewis travels to cities in which their is a high gang concentration, he is followed by police escorts. There are even some that joke that Lewis attended Niagara because the purple colors of the team is a neutral mix of the colors of the Bloods and Crips. The moral of the story is that gangs suck big time and it would be wise not to get involved with them unless you are confined to prison for a reasonably long length of time where such allegiances might provide you with the ever coveted shower safety that one requires to sit comfortably on a regular basis.

USDA Tackles Bear Wrestling

The USDA is set to crack down on Caesar the Wrestling Bear, who is set to fight at the I-X Center in Cleveland today. The government body, which is more widely known for putting milk mustaches on celebrities like Angelina Jolie, is preventing Caesar from seeking lawful employment because of some past indiscretions on the part of his owner in obtaining his license. The issue here is not what the Dairy and Agriculture department is doing dealing with bear wrestling and preventing one from earning an honest wage. Nor is it the unjust treatment of the easily tricked humans coerced into wrestling a bear. The real story is the mysterious absence of PETA.

PETA can show up nude and covered in blood to stage a "die-in" in front of your local J.Crew. PETA can pass out children frightening horror movie style "unhappy" meals in front of McDonald's. But where are they when the animals actually needs them? Who is there to fight for Caesar's right to work and earn a living? If nothing else the organization should be there to cheer on one of its own as Caesar plows through human after evil human, skinning each combatant alive to create himself a nice leather bomber jacket. What kind of animal lovers can they really be if they don't relish the site of bears eating people?

Quick Flash 03/14/2007 - Heather Mitts

  • Lon Kruger speculated to be future Gophers coach. What was his record with the Hawks? Kevin McHale ,the best GM in sports, running the Gophers?

  • Belicheck getting ready to ride of into the sunset with one last Super Bowl ring that he won't have to share with his wife in the divorce settlement.

  • Vincent Lecavalier was almost a Toronto Mapleleaf? Too bad for Vincent he couldn't be in a city that actually enjoys hockey.

  • MJ to fire Bickerstaff as coach. If he takes over the duties himself, ala his rival Isiah, will he call Adam Morrison a "faggot"?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Coach + Hooker = ?s

Richie Anderson, Arizona Cardinals assistant coach, was dismissed from the team as a result of his arrest for soliciting prostitution from an undercover cop in Phoenix. What hasn't become clear at this point is Anderson's reasons for soliciting prostitution. After all why would a millionaire bother himself with a common street walker? I'd say that he was celebrating winning the NFL's Man of the Year Award for high moral character, but he has not won it and it was awarded in January. Could he have been attempting to lose his virginity after a long and shameful string of bedroom failures? It could be that he was just compiling information on how to start his own prostitution ring like some former athletes have done in the past. Or maybe a more unique business venture. Like photographing players having sex with prostitutes and then threatening to release the photos until the cash starts flowing in. Who can really know? Richie Anderson had a limitless future ahead of him as a coach, and questions will always linger as to what exactly he was doing when he was soliciting a prostitute on that fateful Phoenix night. We may never know.

LSU Conspiracy Theory

After the firing of LSU Lady Tiger's basketball coach, Pokey Chatman, from allegations of sexual relations with former players, reports have surfaced that the romantic incidents between Pokey and her players were first reported to school officials in February. The question arises as to why the school took nearly a month to terminate Chatman.

One theory focuses on the school hoping that the story would fizzle out on its own before becoming a national item, thereby enabling the program to retain the recruiting advantage that it had in Pokey. For some reason or another, the brawny and beefy high school basketball players instantly hit it off with the playful Pokey. Maybe it was her giving nature, after all she did finish as LSU's all time assists leader, meaning that she knows a thing or two about putting other girls in a position to score. Firing Chatman would mean sacrificing the relationships that she has been able to strike up with recruits and risking that future prospects wouldn't enjoy the taste or flavor of the that the Tiger program had with Chatman.

Access has been restricted to players until the season is over, especially to questions about Chatman getting fired. School officials are fearful that with a little smooth talking the players would easily give up the goods.