Giambi Caught Cheating

A few days after publicly announcing that he did "that stuff" back in the day, whatever that was supposed to mean, it became public knowledge that Jason Giambi failed a test for amphetamines. I'm sure that everyone is really very, very shocked that a guy like Giambi would bend the rules and use amphetamines to enhance his performance. Heck, he even used that other "stuff" before to enhance his performance. I actually am kind of surprised that Giambi was foolish enough to get busted for failing a drug test after he spend nearly two seasons in silent fear with Yankees, worried that they would void his monstrosity of a contract. I guess some guys just never learn.

Landis Backup Result Tests Positve

After nearly a year (how does blood or urine take nearly a year to check?) Floyd Landis has in fact tested positive for synthetic testosterone after his backup samples confirmed the initial positive. I don't really care at this point. This story has for sure tested positive for boredom. I do more interesting things each afternoon than this whole Landis doping story. I eat sandwiches, big and spicy ones. I sell people things that they don't need. I sit and day dream about work being over and me sunning myself next to California co-eds. You get the picture.

Mr.Universe Seriously Needs Some Candy.

The reigning Mr. Universe was arrested at a California movie theater for assault after behaving erratically at the snack food counter and having to be wrestled down and maced by four police officers. Mr. Universe attributed the incident to a switch in diabetes medication and low blood sugar levels resulting in his violent need for sugary snacks. I feel like investigators haven't looked into this incident enough. Whenever I see someone with low blood sugar they look like they are about to pass out. Not take on four police officers. Don't forget the mace either. I would look more in the area of roid rage. Roid rage is definitely the culprit. I suppose Mr. Universe will say that those needle tracks on his butt are from insulin injections. Yeah...insulin.

Quick Flash 03/30/2007 - Gabrielle Reece

• From KSK, women have needed to create a blog to keep up with Keith Olbermann's subpar performances. Better poor performances than out of wedlock children.
• Suns lose to Warriors behind 8 threes from J-Rich. Seems like some people are looking ahead to the playoffs.
• Browns looking at acquiring Trent Green. Nothing like a shell-shocked, too old QB to turn around a struggling franchise.
• Guy runs around the world, finds a wife while he does it. Usually guys are running around the world to lose the wife they have.
• Big Stein's daughter divorcing husband and heir to Yankees. He lasted 23 years in this "miserable" marriage just to jump ship now when he's 2 to 3 years tops away from running the most valuable team in all of sports. Where were his advisers is all I can say?
• Michael Phelps breaks another record. Might as well keep this line copied and ready to paste as long as this whole swimming event keeps going on.
• Mark McGwire's statue, made for the outside of Busch, is gathering dust in a warehouse. He could request to have it moved to the Cheaters Hall of Fame but he doesn't want to talk about the past.
• D-Mat loves his early 90's movies. He must not have a DVD player yet.
• WVU wins NIT to claim title as most mediocre team in country.

Holyfield unsure about things

Evander Holyfield expressed uncertainty after his recent naming in the Orlando steroids raid. But punch drunk as he is, he is probably unsure about a lot of things these days. like where to take a number 2, when it is appropriate to dance, and what keeps happening to all of his money. But one thing he should not be unsure about is that he used HGH. The evidence weighs heavily against him. An alias listed in the Orlando pharmacy record refers to an "Evan Fields" and the phone number listed on the page was answered by Holyfield when called. Then who can forget his retirement in 1994 from having a hole in his heart, coupled with a "miraculous" return a few years later. It's quite possible that the "miracle" was merely the organ regrowing and regenerating effects that HGH can cause, especially in an organ made of muscle like the heart. Combine this knowledge with his sudden rise back to the top of boxing after being washed up in 1993 due to the heart condition. All of a sudden he goes from retired to beating Mike Tyson twice, going the distance with Lennox Lewis (a much superior fighter and specimen), and fighting numerous other fights. The entire situation reeks of a desperate fighter whose body was failing him in 1993 that stumbled upon a fountain of youth called HGH that restored his injured heart, gave him back his speed, and restored his vitality. Holyfield should be confused about a lot of things these days after the amount of punishment he has taken during his career. But one thing that he should not be confused about is whether he used HGH and why everyone would think that he did.

Quick Flash 03/09/2007 - Misty May

• Interesting take on baseball's injury magnets who are all candidates for Mr Glass Award.


• LSU's women's basketball coach quits after lesbian tryst with one of her former players.


• A look a the life of an NBA player "assistant" who gets things done. I imagine mailing many child supports checks to different addresses is huge on the list.


• Major league bullpen pitcher linked to steroids scandal. (Yawn)


• Pistons and American Laser Centers team up to make you vomit at a game

Rocker named in steroid probe, denies allegations

Everybody's favorite clown, John Rocker, is in the news again after his name was discovered among the documents in the Orlando steroid ring. Rocker is denying the allegations that he took the HGH illegally, claiming they were part of a prescription for his ailing pitching arm. Rocker is baffled by the situation and can only explain it by blaming it on Koreans, gays, and people with AIDS, who are at fault for most of the world's problems.

Those aren't ours, Mark Sweeney put them there

The six people from the Orlando steroid ring pleaded not guilty to charges of operating a wide spread Internet distribution network that catered to athletes and bodybuilders. Despite the massive amounts of evidence picked up from the scene of the arrests, the defendants maintain their innocence. Their defence is stated to center on blaming the drugs on Mark Sweeney and a mysterious one-armed man.

Jerry Juicer

Jerry Hairston Jr, son of baseball great Jerry Hairston, and current Texas Ranger is the latest to fall into the quagmire of steroid allegations emanating from the raided Orlando pharmacy. Looking at Hairston's career stats, it is easy to see why investigators were suspicious about the use of growth hormone. There is that extremely fishy three year period in which he hit five, eight, five home runs in successive years despite never once in his career previously breaking the four home run plateau. Hairston should be immediately banned from the game, have all of his records stricken from the books, and be removed from the Hall of Fame ballots.

Bonds sent death threats

Barry Bonds is receiving death threats. While that is nothing really new in the world of reviled professional cheaters, where these letters are coming from is a bit of a unique story. After careful mail tracing and surveillance work at mail boxes across the Bay Area, the letters appear to be coming from a combination of Mark Sweeney, Bonds's family, and Barry's own organs. Sweeney is without a doubt disgruntled over the steroid allegations that Barry tossed onto him in the offseason. Bonds's family is most likely angered over a lifetime of Barry's demands around the house, including, insisting that a large leather recliner be his chair at the dining room table. What is surprising is that Bonds's own organs would turn on him. A spokesman for his liver refused comment but these letters are believed to have something to do with Bonds's history of steroid abuse inflicting damage upon his body.

Steroid Going Out of Business Sale!

Federal and state narcotics agents raided two pharmacies in Orlando Tuesday as part of an ongoing steroid probe. Gary Matthews Jr, Jason Grimsley, a body building champion as well as loads of high school and collegiate athletes are linked to the pharmacies. News is sure to leak out regarding a specific list of customers of the pharmacy. In the meantime the pharmacies are running a special going out of business sale to liquidate any remaining inventory still hidden from the police. This liquidation will take place in the parking lot of the Arnold Classic this weekend with the hope that the authorities will be so focused on keeping the Governator safe from the mobs of fans that they won't notice what is going on outside on the streets, similar to the NBA All Star Game in Vegas situation.