Thursday, May 24, 2007

Oden & Conley - Together Again?

Word on the street is that the Blazers are trying to get another pick in the top ten so that they can select Ohio State PG and best friend of Greg Oden, Mike Conley. Some ways that this could be accomplished are by acquiring the Timberwolves #7 pick in some sort of Zach Randolph for Kevin Garnett deal. Another possibility would be trading Zach Randolph and one of thier surplus centers to the Grizzlies for the #4 pick and some surplus salaries that will go off the books soon. Either way I see Conley ending up with Oden as the Blazers have plenty of trade bait and any team out of the top 2 could be persuaded to make a deal.

Quick Flash 05/24/2007 - Kaitlin Sandeno

  • The winner of last night's NBA game was...oh yeah, they didn't schedule a game so that they could really drag out the playoffs longer than they should.
  • Apolo Anton Ohno wins Dancing With the Stars and he did it without tripping any Koreans.
  • Clemens gets roughed up in minor league start. Must have been that 6-legged turkey he ate on the Madden Cruiser. Those things have a way of upsetting stomachs.
  • Penn State players will clean up the stadium after home games this season. I always knew that those guys were convicts. Now they're starting to act like them.
  • Yanks dump the loud mouthed Curt Schilling as the Sox get pasted.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Elijah Dukes Will Kill You

Elijah Dukes, with a tremendous show of his trademark calmness and rationality, left his wife a voicemail saying that he would kill her. Actually he said "You dead dawg. Your kids too." Nice work Elijah. Way to work the kids in their just in case she is one of those people that does not care about their own safety. I'm sure that Father's Day will be a great day for Dukes.

Meshawn Says "Throw Me the Mike"

Keyshawn Johnson "retired from the NFL" or as I like to call it, "could not find a job and had to go somewhere else to get paid to run his mouth." Keyshawn will join ESPN as he will likely serve as the theoretical replacement for the now departed Playmaker. At least Keyshawn should be able to interject more intelligent points than "yeah daaaawwwwgggg" and other Irvinisms that we have become accustomed to over the years.

Giambi Caught Cheating

A few days after publicly announcing that he did "that stuff" back in the day, whatever that was supposed to mean, it became public knowledge that Jason Giambi failed a test for amphetamines. I'm sure that everyone is really very, very shocked that a guy like Giambi would bend the rules and use amphetamines to enhance his performance. Heck, he even used that other "stuff" before to enhance his performance. I actually am kind of surprised that Giambi was foolish enough to get busted for failing a drug test after he spend nearly two seasons in silent fear with Yankees, worried that they would void his monstrosity of a contract. I guess some guys just never learn.

Blazers Get Really Lucky

The Portland Trail Blazers came out of the draft lottery with the #1 pick despite having only a 5% chance of pulling it off. The Sonics came in 2nd. None of the other spots really matter as there are only two franchise players in this draft. Let's take a look at a few lineup scenarios.


SF Martel Webster

PF Zach Randolph

C Greg Oden

SG Brandon Roy

PG Jarrett Jack

Bench Lamarcus Aldridge

Bench Sergio Rodriguez

Bench Fred Jones


SF Rashard Lewis

PF Kevin Durant

C Nick Collison

SG Ray Allen

PG Earl Watson

Bench Luke Ridnour

Bench Damien Wilkins

Bench Mickael Gelabale

With this draft pick the Blazers could go in a bunch of different directions. They have a glut of young talent and could conceivably trade Zach Randolph, another young player, and a big man for an available talent such as Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. The salaries would work out for either player and the teams will likely take a 20 and 10 guy like Randolph who when coupled with a young exciting player like Martel Webster, Jarret Jack, or Sergio Rodriguez and a big man like Jamal Magloire or Joel Pryzbilla would be very attractive to most any fan base.

The Sonics gain the flexibility to decide whether or not they really want to resign Rashard Lewis or use him in a sign and trade. Kevin Durant could fill in nicely at SF while they trade him for a defensive post player like Jermaine O'Neal, Drew Gooden, or David Lee.

Quick Flash 05/23/2007 - Anna Rawson

After a nearly two week hiatus. The Donkey Carnival returns with a vengence.
  • Ducks eliminate Red Wings again, proving that a duck wearing a hockey mask will beat a tire with wings any day of the week.
  • Spurs go up on Jazz 2-0 as a boring Finals inches closer and closer.
  • Red Sox pound Yanks as they continue to dominate despite Manny and Drew still not hitting.
  • Nats continue their improbable hot streak as they drop the lowly Reds.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Joe Mauer Proves As Pathetic As Jesse Palmer

Joe Mauer, recently named one of America's most eligible bachelors, is having to go the route of reality TV to find himself a mate. Though on the level of the pathetic display of Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor a few years ago, at least Mauer has not signed on for a 16 episode season. But on the other hand, Mauer will probably not get nearly the make out time that Jesse Palmer got. Either way Mauer should get a lot of responses what with his wealth, age, athleticism, good looks and surprisingly low standards of liking "all kinds of women: blondes, brunettes, it doesn't really matter."

Don't Drink The Water In China

As China gets ready to host the next Summer Olympics, city officials warned incoming athletes not to drink water from the tap because though it is clean and safe to drink, it could be contaminated from substandard "secondary processes." What exactly these "secondary processes" are remains to be seen? Does the water get dumped dumped directly from the water treatment plant into a river that the neighboring village uses as a toilet due to the lack of plumbing? Does it flow past a "reeducation camp" that uses Chinese water "education" techniques to teach dissidents how to love the state? How will the water quality affect the Olympic Village hot tub orgies?

Quick Flash 05/10/2007 - Dara Torres

  • Warriors choke up in OT to fall two down to the Jazz as their Cinderella run looks over.
  • Suns even things up as Nash is able to stop bleeding enough to play most of the game and to frighten Tony Parker.
  • Stupidest article ever written. She should have her press pass revoked.
  • Dale Earnhardt Jr. leaving DEI in some hick NASCAR feud that makes no sense.
  • Roger Federer actually loses again. Some even think he is slumping.
  • Zumaya out 3 months with "non" Guitar Hero related finger injury.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Ortiz Not Sure If He Took 'Roids

David Ortiz admitted that he may have unknowingly taken steroids as a younger ball player by taking unusual, unregulated supplements while in the Dominican Republic. He said that he may have accidentally drank steroids at one time or another in one of these mystery protein shakes. Hopefully Ortiz would have noticed if he was injected with needles while simultaneously drinking protein shake. "What's that David? You felt a prick in your arm? It was probably just a banana fly. You know how crazy they get this time of year."

Holyfield Set to an Old Folks Home?

In a great move for the sport of boxing, coming on the heels on the only relevant weekend in pro boxing in the last five years, Evander Holyfield is going to step back into the ring and continue his march to becoming a brain damaged vegetable. The 44-year-old is trying to regain the heavyweight title, which isn't the most far fetched scenario given the hapless state of heavyweight boxing, especially with about 7 belts up for grabs, most held by guys that got fired as bouncers from the local watering hole for their lack of crowd control abilities. Yes folks, boxing is alive and well in America.

Quick Flash 05/08/2007 - Amy Taylor

  • Pistons beat Bulls like Hitler took over Poland. Quick, embarrassing, and with no challenge.
  • Rumors of a Dirk for KG swap this offseason? Rumors of a Phoenix jump up in this draft?
  • Steve Smith gets a sick contract, does not celebrate by cold cocking teammate in film session.
  • Red Wings advance to next round of playoffs. San Jose just could not put it together in sold out arena of crickets chirping.
  • The traitor Carlos Boozer grabs 20 boards as the Jazz beat the Warriors.
  • Chris Capuano shows his filthy, filthy stuff in shutout of weak Washington bats.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Steve Nash is a Cold-Blooded Bad Ass

Steve Nash has been showing a killer instinct this year that is just not expected from a seemingly laid back Canadien with really long hair. Even though the Spurs won yesterday, Nash likely scared the bejesus out of them as he sat on the bench profusely bleeding from his wounded nose as he never flinched or lost the killer gaze in his eyes. He came upon the bleeding nose after a collision with Tony Parker's head. Parker, however, was the one who went down to the grown in a heap of tears and pain, writhing around like a wounded school girl. Nash merely walked away like nothing had even happened. Not even a wince of pain. I would be worried to be the Spurs or Tony Parker going forward.

Baseball Is Not Fair

In yet another player signing that shows why baseball is the least competitive of the three major sports, Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement for a prorated contract of $28M to play for...ta da! - the hated Yankees, who already boast the highest payroll in the league by a large margin. Even though Clemens is soon to turn 60 and is probably using HGH at the very least, he should be a great addition to the Yankees' staff that is suffering greatly with the exception of Chien-Ming Wang. Either way I'm going to stick to the Donkey Carnival preseason prediction of the Yankees just missing out on the wildcard to the Tigers.

Mayweather Beats Oscar In a Split

Floyd Mayweather ended boxing's biggest night in many, many years with a split decision victory over the Golden Boy, Oscar De La Hoya. Mayweather engineered his victory through unfathomable quickness that he used to dodge Oscar nearly 80% of the time he threw a punch. Sadly for boxing, Mayweather promptly retired after the bout, leaving boxing with another talent void to fill for the beleaguered sport. This has likely been boxing's last mega fight of the 00's as fans just have a tough time caring about the 99% of fighters that are just bums and has-beens that are being paraded around the ring as legitimate fighters.

Quick Flash 05/07/2007 - Gisela Dulko

  • Warren Sapp loses 40lbs. Could he be the new Trimspa spokesperson?
  • Cavs drop the Nets as the supporting cast comes up big for Lebron.
  • Brewers move to best record in baseball as Donkey Carnival predictions continue to do well so far.
  • Tiger wins Wachovia as no one is surprised.
  • Amaechi underestimated America in terms of its reaction to his coming out. Maybe what he really underestimated was our lack of ability to be shocked or really care about anything.
  • Van Gundy to follow old mantra: When the going gets tough, quit.
  • Atlanta CB get caught with guns and E, but at least he's not involved in dog fighting.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Mavs Crap The Bed

What else is there to say when your MVP caliber player comes up with only 8 points in one of the most important games of his career? Losing to an 8 seed after winning 67 games. Nice work fellas.

Quick Flash 05/04/2007 - Jackie Frank

  • A great fake blog written by "Carl Pavano."
  • Jazz beat Rockets to force game 7, AK-47 has to postpone plans for offseason "cheat" weekend.
  • Artest gets 100 hours of community service and ten days of a work project. No word yet on whether the work project will involve setting up a community dog fighting center.
  • Vick was connected to pit bull breeding at the dog fighting house via a website.
  • Randy Moss not really the jerk he is made out to be.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Brady Quinn Likes To Fondle Men...err, Young Men.

Looking back on Brady Quinn in high school, it is easy to see how he made a transition to the QB position. Look how effortlessly he he places his hands onto the crotch of another male. The smoothness and grace with which he enters another man's legs and then removes them with the arrival of the ball without so much as a pubic hair out of place. Browns fans will be proud of his blue collar tenacity and toughness. And his silly boyish giggle. Tee hee.

Traylor Gets In Trouble For Something Not Involving Food.

Robert "Tractor" Traylor, besides proving that a fat and lazy guy can make millions just based on being 6'9" or taller, has also proved the theory that the only thing that should be laundered is dirty clothing and large bibs from all-you-can-eat buffets. Traylor is facing charges of laundering $4M of drug money for his cousin, who happened to be the greatest marijuana kingpin in the city of Detroit's history (which is probably the equivalent of breaking Hank Aaron's HR record). In addition to the laundering charges, Traylor is facing tax evasion charges for claiming a loss on the two apartment buildings purchased in his name with drug money from his cousin. Traylor is not considered a flight risk while awaiting trial as the law has gone so far as to allow him to travel to Spain to play basketball. They must know that all they need to find Traylor again is leave a plate of pork products and sugar cookies by the rear door of the jail.

Quick Flash 05/03/2007 - Tara Lipinski

  • Beckett wins again as he moves to 6-0. Could this finally be the Beckett we've waited all these years to see for a full season?
  • Red Wings win in OT to even the series against the Sharks.
  • Suns finish off the Lakers. Kobe plans relaxing trip to Colorado...maybe not.
  • Nuggets go down to Spurs, realize they won't get much better than they are now and just give up.
  • Cardinals get swept and whooped by the Brew Crew with the team so shocked by the death of Josh Hancock that they are swinging the bats like drunk drivers.
  • Brandon Roy wins Rookie of the Year as "Roy wins ROY" headlines abound.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Quick Flash 05/02/2007 - Erica Blasberg

  • Warriors come close to sealing the deal with the Mavs, but the Mavs throw on the chastity belt at the last minute.
  • Raptors win one as Jose Calderon has the game of his anonymous life.
  • Yanks prove you can't buy your way past bad luck as Hughes joins the ranks of injured starters after he was hurt while in the midst of a no-hitter.
  • Tribe pounds the Jays as C.C. picks up his 4th win.
  • Cardinals continue tribute to fallen teammate by getting massacred just like he did, except they aren't drunk.
  • Meshawn cut after Panthers draft younger version in Jarrett.
  • Marcus Vick cut, lock up your teenage girls and stay away from McDonald's.
  • Bucs collect another turd. And this one is too big to flush.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Brady Quinn: The Lost Draft Moments

1:14 – Commissioner Goodell escorts Brady Quinn and his entourage away from the draft green room into a private room in the back with no cameras.

1:15 – Brady: Did I get picked? Is this where you go when you get picked by a team? Was that whole Dolphins taking Ginn thing a joke? Am I on Punk’d?

Goodell: (with a quizzical look on his face) No. I just wanted to move you and your family back here so that you could get some privacy from the media.

1:16 – Brady: So I really haven’t been picked yet?

Goodell: No.

1:17 – Brady bursts into tears and starts wailing in a high pitched moan. Goodell shakes his head as he rolls his eyes. Lindy Slinger, Quinn’s girlfriend, does not even notice what is happening as she files her nails.

**Note: For those of you outside of Ohio, Quinn’s girlfriend is from an affluent Columbus suburb called Dublin which is notorious around Ohio for having immensely insane, vacuous, gold digging women on par with the Paris Hilton’s of the world.

1:19 – Laura Quinn-Hawk can’t stand the sight of her brother’s tears anymore. She begins to cry profusely just on one side of her face while the other side maintains a perfect (for her) smile. Goodell is freaked out and excuses himself from the room.

1:27 – Quinn begins to get control of himself after he spent a few minutes laying in his mother’s lap as she sang him a lullaby and held a warm cloth to his forehead.

1:28 – Michael Vick pops in the door.

Vick: Have you guys seen my dogs anywhere?

Quinn is reminded that the Browns passed over him with the 3rd pick for an ugly player that will never grace the cover of a men’s magazine. He begins to wail like a school girl in despair again. Vick exits. One of his tears spills onto Lindy’s hand. She wipes it off and curiously looks at the ceiling to see if it is raining.

1:31 – Brady’s dad gets him under control again after a few well-timed backhands to the face and a reminder that his makeup is running. Quinn calls for his makeup guy to rectify the problem.

1:33 – Makeup guy arrives and begins to reapply foundation and places an ice mask around the eyes to lessen the puffiness from the crying and the backhands.

1:42 – Brady checks his cell phone for a signal. He asks Lindy to call it to make sure that the phone is working. Lindy replies that she can’t because she deleted his number from her phone a few minutes ago. Brady looks puzzled. She informs him that she does not date losers and will be leaving him if he is not drafted by 2:00 and getting back together with her old boyfriend whose dad owns a prominent Ohio garden supply manufacturing company.

1:44 – Brady sits stunned wearing the “Manning Face” as his life crumbles around him and his expectations are shattered.

Brady: I’ll be back I need to use the restroom.

Mom: #1 or #2?

Brady: (quietly to his Mom): Mom, don’t embarrass me in front of Lindy.

Mom: Well you heard her, she’s not going to be her girlfriend for much longer anyway so I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m always going to be your mom.

Laura: Yeah Brade. Deuce or a piss? You shoulda seen the deuce I dropped a few hours ago. I wish I had my camera phone with me.

Brady: I have to go tinkle. I’ll be back soon.

2:00 – No one has called. Tom Condon can’t even do the Rosenhaus “pretending to talk to people on the phone” trick because they are not on camera. Brady has not returned from his tinkle. Lindy picks up her purse and leaves the room without saying anything.

2:03 – Mom gets worried about her baby boy and checks the men’s room. Brady is not in there. She checks the women’s room because sometimes Brady likes to sit down in an aroma of potpourri while he tinkles. He is not in there either. She calls security fearing a kidnapping.

2:16 – After a frantic search, security finds Brady in the private parking garage idling in his new Hummer. The windows are down and he is attempting to take deep breaths of carbon monoxide. There is a note on the passenger seat that reads:

Good Bye everyone who loves me. Especially you Brent Musberger. I want to apologize for not living up to my potential. I worked real hard and tried my best but other people make the picks. I’m sorry Lindy. I’m sorry Mom and Dad. Laura, keep the house safe from prowlers while I am gone. Let me say for the record that the Hummer H2’s leather, overstuffed seats are the crowning achievement in the world of luxury automobiles in terms of comfort and quality. If I had to pick a place to die, there is no better than the H2 while I listen to my favorite iPod songs and shed tears of infinite sadness onto the stain resistant leather.


2:20 – Mom rushes onto the scene in tears, grabs Brady off of the stretcher where he is looking at his cell phone and starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. The attempted CPR turns into a strange kissing-like scene. One of the paramedics vomits in his mouth and turns away to save his eyesight. Condon suggests that they all head back to the private room and get orange mocha frappuccinos. Brady jumps off of the stretcher in delight and skips back up to the private room.

2:52 – Brady cell phone rings. He hurdles Laura, who is doing push ups with three cinder blocks balanced on her back, and grabs the phone. It is Charlie Weis who is calling to ask how Brady is doing. Brady replies that he is great and goes into detail describing the orange coffee drink’s sweet delicious flavor. Weis abruptly cuts Brady off, reminding him that Weis can’t listen to more than two minutes at a time of discussions of delicious cuisine due to the gastric bypass surgery he received a few years back. Anymore could rupture his stomach and kill him, or worse make him put on more weight.

2:54 – Brady hangs up the phone. He sits Indian-style on the ground, joyfully finishing his orange mocha frappuccino. When he is finished he wonders if his phone has enough power to work, after all New York is in a different time zone than South Bend so that requires more power to operate. He plugs in the phone and watches it charge.

3:03 – Brady realizes that the phone works fine and that no one has drafted him yet. He calls Condon and tells him to put the word out that Brady is willing to play a position other than QB in the NFL. Condon hangs up the phone and shakes his head.

3:09 – Brady’s spirits rise after flipping through the channels, VH1 is playing a video of Madonna’s Like a Prayer, his favorite songs. Calculating the odds that VH1 would even be playing a video, let alone his favorite one, Brady looks upon this as a good omen.

3:10 – Brady begins to dance around the room doing his “Like a Prayer” dance. Laura looks over from smashing a wooden board on her forehead and gives him an annoyed look.

3:11 – Brady, oblivious to her, begins to strip off his suit and get down to his bikini briefs. Goodell opens the door to see how Brady is doing. He looks in and immediately closes the door and exits.

3:13 – The song ends and Brady realizes that he still hasn’t been drafted. He sighs and starts to slowly put his clothes back on. The room suddenly opens and JaMarcus Russell enters the room with a small blond woman wrapped around his enormous frame. They are furiously kissing each other. Once they realize that other people are in the room, they stop. The girl is Lindy. She apologizes for picking the wrong room and the two of them leave.

3:14 – Brady gets quite and solemn. He starts to write sad haikus.

What do I have left?
JaMarcus stole all of it
My job, my girl, gone

How can I live on
When my life has no value.
One cup of sorrow.

Dogs and small kitties
My favorites forever
Die Lindy. Just die.

3:37 – Brady tells everyone to leave the room. He informs them that he feels has a good vibe that his luck will change soon and everything will work out for the better. He needs to work on his Rookie of the Year acceptance speech and can only do that when no one is watching him. Mom and Dad leave the room. Laura finishes up shaving her five o’clock shadow and follows them.

3:39 – Brady attempts to stick his tongue into an electrical socket. He gives up after realizing that it doesn’t fit.

3:42 – Brady takes Laura’s razor and scrapes it hard vertically down his neck several times but only succeeds in shaving those few chin whiskers that he spent so many years growing. He begins to cry again.

3:47 – He tries to throw himself out of the window. After a few attempts he realizes that the glass is safety glass and won’t break or open.

3:48 – He catches a glimpse of his face in a reflection from the glass of the window and begins to cry again.

3:54 – Brady takes off his tie and wraps it tightly around his neck. He ties the other end to the door knob and sits down.

4:12 – Brady’s cell phone starts to wring. He scrambles trying to grab it, but only succeeds in tightening the noose around his neck. He begins to lose consciousness.

4:14 – Tom Condon enters the room. He unties Brady’s neck and slaps his a few times. Brady awakens. Condon informs him that the Browns are picking him. Instantly Lindy appears in the doorway. She is walking with a painful, bow legged stride and her lipstick is badly smeared. She hugs Brady and tells him she is so happy to be back in his arms. Brady hugs her and they walk off toward the stage. Condon notices that she has a rather large condom stuck to one of her high heels.

4:17 – Brady enters the stage, ending his seclusion and poses for pics as a first round pick of his hometown Browns. Could the day get any better?

Quick Flash 05/01/2007 - Anna Kournikova

  • Sharks beat the Red Wings in the third to go up 2-1 in the series.
  • Cavs sweep Wizards as Lebron reminds fans how good things can be when he actually tries.
  • Spurs go up 3-1 on the Nuggets. Camby starts thinking of injuries that he will sit out with during next season.
  • Tracy McGrady dishes out 16 assists as Rockets top Jazz despite Tracy getting a mysterious back/abdominal injury again.
  • Hallyday smokes the Rangers with his ace-like stuff. Yankees wonder why they didn't overpay for him a few years ago.
  • Brandon Webb cuts down the Dodgers. Randy Johnson feels team can make playoffs if he can create time machine.