Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Brady Quinn: The Lost Draft Moments

1:14 – Commissioner Goodell escorts Brady Quinn and his entourage away from the draft green room into a private room in the back with no cameras.

1:15 – Brady: Did I get picked? Is this where you go when you get picked by a team? Was that whole Dolphins taking Ginn thing a joke? Am I on Punk’d?

Goodell: (with a quizzical look on his face) No. I just wanted to move you and your family back here so that you could get some privacy from the media.

1:16 – Brady: So I really haven’t been picked yet?

Goodell: No.

1:17 – Brady bursts into tears and starts wailing in a high pitched moan. Goodell shakes his head as he rolls his eyes. Lindy Slinger, Quinn’s girlfriend, does not even notice what is happening as she files her nails.

**Note: For those of you outside of Ohio, Quinn’s girlfriend is from an affluent Columbus suburb called Dublin which is notorious around Ohio for having immensely insane, vacuous, gold digging women on par with the Paris Hilton’s of the world.

1:19 – Laura Quinn-Hawk can’t stand the sight of her brother’s tears anymore. She begins to cry profusely just on one side of her face while the other side maintains a perfect (for her) smile. Goodell is freaked out and excuses himself from the room.

1:27 – Quinn begins to get control of himself after he spent a few minutes laying in his mother’s lap as she sang him a lullaby and held a warm cloth to his forehead.

1:28 – Michael Vick pops in the door.

Vick: Have you guys seen my dogs anywhere?

Quinn is reminded that the Browns passed over him with the 3rd pick for an ugly player that will never grace the cover of a men’s magazine. He begins to wail like a school girl in despair again. Vick exits. One of his tears spills onto Lindy’s hand. She wipes it off and curiously looks at the ceiling to see if it is raining.

1:31 – Brady’s dad gets him under control again after a few well-timed backhands to the face and a reminder that his makeup is running. Quinn calls for his makeup guy to rectify the problem.

1:33 – Makeup guy arrives and begins to reapply foundation and places an ice mask around the eyes to lessen the puffiness from the crying and the backhands.

1:42 – Brady checks his cell phone for a signal. He asks Lindy to call it to make sure that the phone is working. Lindy replies that she can’t because she deleted his number from her phone a few minutes ago. Brady looks puzzled. She informs him that she does not date losers and will be leaving him if he is not drafted by 2:00 and getting back together with her old boyfriend whose dad owns a prominent Ohio garden supply manufacturing company.

1:44 – Brady sits stunned wearing the “Manning Face” as his life crumbles around him and his expectations are shattered.

Brady: I’ll be back I need to use the restroom.

Mom: #1 or #2?

Brady: (quietly to his Mom): Mom, don’t embarrass me in front of Lindy.

Mom: Well you heard her, she’s not going to be her girlfriend for much longer anyway so I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m always going to be your mom.

Laura: Yeah Brade. Deuce or a piss? You shoulda seen the deuce I dropped a few hours ago. I wish I had my camera phone with me.

Brady: I have to go tinkle. I’ll be back soon.

2:00 – No one has called. Tom Condon can’t even do the Rosenhaus “pretending to talk to people on the phone” trick because they are not on camera. Brady has not returned from his tinkle. Lindy picks up her purse and leaves the room without saying anything.

2:03 – Mom gets worried about her baby boy and checks the men’s room. Brady is not in there. She checks the women’s room because sometimes Brady likes to sit down in an aroma of potpourri while he tinkles. He is not in there either. She calls security fearing a kidnapping.

2:16 – After a frantic search, security finds Brady in the private parking garage idling in his new Hummer. The windows are down and he is attempting to take deep breaths of carbon monoxide. There is a note on the passenger seat that reads:

Good Bye everyone who loves me. Especially you Brent Musberger. I want to apologize for not living up to my potential. I worked real hard and tried my best but other people make the picks. I’m sorry Lindy. I’m sorry Mom and Dad. Laura, keep the house safe from prowlers while I am gone. Let me say for the record that the Hummer H2’s leather, overstuffed seats are the crowning achievement in the world of luxury automobiles in terms of comfort and quality. If I had to pick a place to die, there is no better than the H2 while I listen to my favorite iPod songs and shed tears of infinite sadness onto the stain resistant leather.


2:20 – Mom rushes onto the scene in tears, grabs Brady off of the stretcher where he is looking at his cell phone and starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. The attempted CPR turns into a strange kissing-like scene. One of the paramedics vomits in his mouth and turns away to save his eyesight. Condon suggests that they all head back to the private room and get orange mocha frappuccinos. Brady jumps off of the stretcher in delight and skips back up to the private room.

2:52 – Brady cell phone rings. He hurdles Laura, who is doing push ups with three cinder blocks balanced on her back, and grabs the phone. It is Charlie Weis who is calling to ask how Brady is doing. Brady replies that he is great and goes into detail describing the orange coffee drink’s sweet delicious flavor. Weis abruptly cuts Brady off, reminding him that Weis can’t listen to more than two minutes at a time of discussions of delicious cuisine due to the gastric bypass surgery he received a few years back. Anymore could rupture his stomach and kill him, or worse make him put on more weight.

2:54 – Brady hangs up the phone. He sits Indian-style on the ground, joyfully finishing his orange mocha frappuccino. When he is finished he wonders if his phone has enough power to work, after all New York is in a different time zone than South Bend so that requires more power to operate. He plugs in the phone and watches it charge.

3:03 – Brady realizes that the phone works fine and that no one has drafted him yet. He calls Condon and tells him to put the word out that Brady is willing to play a position other than QB in the NFL. Condon hangs up the phone and shakes his head.

3:09 – Brady’s spirits rise after flipping through the channels, VH1 is playing a video of Madonna’s Like a Prayer, his favorite songs. Calculating the odds that VH1 would even be playing a video, let alone his favorite one, Brady looks upon this as a good omen.

3:10 – Brady begins to dance around the room doing his “Like a Prayer” dance. Laura looks over from smashing a wooden board on her forehead and gives him an annoyed look.

3:11 – Brady, oblivious to her, begins to strip off his suit and get down to his bikini briefs. Goodell opens the door to see how Brady is doing. He looks in and immediately closes the door and exits.

3:13 – The song ends and Brady realizes that he still hasn’t been drafted. He sighs and starts to slowly put his clothes back on. The room suddenly opens and JaMarcus Russell enters the room with a small blond woman wrapped around his enormous frame. They are furiously kissing each other. Once they realize that other people are in the room, they stop. The girl is Lindy. She apologizes for picking the wrong room and the two of them leave.

3:14 – Brady gets quite and solemn. He starts to write sad haikus.

What do I have left?
JaMarcus stole all of it
My job, my girl, gone

How can I live on
When my life has no value.
One cup of sorrow.

Dogs and small kitties
My favorites forever
Die Lindy. Just die.

3:37 – Brady tells everyone to leave the room. He informs them that he feels has a good vibe that his luck will change soon and everything will work out for the better. He needs to work on his Rookie of the Year acceptance speech and can only do that when no one is watching him. Mom and Dad leave the room. Laura finishes up shaving her five o’clock shadow and follows them.

3:39 – Brady attempts to stick his tongue into an electrical socket. He gives up after realizing that it doesn’t fit.

3:42 – Brady takes Laura’s razor and scrapes it hard vertically down his neck several times but only succeeds in shaving those few chin whiskers that he spent so many years growing. He begins to cry again.

3:47 – He tries to throw himself out of the window. After a few attempts he realizes that the glass is safety glass and won’t break or open.

3:48 – He catches a glimpse of his face in a reflection from the glass of the window and begins to cry again.

3:54 – Brady takes off his tie and wraps it tightly around his neck. He ties the other end to the door knob and sits down.

4:12 – Brady’s cell phone starts to wring. He scrambles trying to grab it, but only succeeds in tightening the noose around his neck. He begins to lose consciousness.

4:14 – Tom Condon enters the room. He unties Brady’s neck and slaps his a few times. Brady awakens. Condon informs him that the Browns are picking him. Instantly Lindy appears in the doorway. She is walking with a painful, bow legged stride and her lipstick is badly smeared. She hugs Brady and tells him she is so happy to be back in his arms. Brady hugs her and they walk off toward the stage. Condon notices that she has a rather large condom stuck to one of her high heels.

4:17 – Brady enters the stage, ending his seclusion and poses for pics as a first round pick of his hometown Browns. Could the day get any better?

No comments: