Quick Flash 04/02/2007 - Natalie Coughlin

• OJ named #5 most foolish person of the year. Must have been because that whole book deal fell through. Poor guy can't get a break. (Can't find the link. Trust me on this one).
• Buckeyes win as Green fizzles; Gators repeat outcome of last year's title game.
• Phoenix brings a beatdown to Dallas as Dirk leaves arena limping with tread marks on his back.
• Big Daddy trade falls through when he fails to show up to Denver. Has anyone checked the Texas beaches yet?
• Jimmie Johnson edges Jeff Gordon in turning left 500 times the fastest. Gordon has him beat in the hot wife department though.
• Pressel is youngest LPGA major champ at 18. I wonder if she has a prom date yet?
• Barbaro's saddle is being auctioned off. Come one. That is like auctioning off Jesus' robes before he was crucified. Wait a minute...
• Donald Trump triumphs over Vince McMahon and keeps his head from being shaved. Can you really shave a toupee though?
• Indians play Cardinals in Civil Rights Game. I can only imagine the amount of protesters for that one. Good thing today's Indians are only proficient with a bottle or deck of card rather than a bow and arrow or there could have been some serious problems.

Spring Break Mud Wrestling

A little Spring Break mud wrestling from South Padre and collegehumor to break up the monotony of the day. Typically the uglier beast like girl whoops on the hotter more attractive girl. But the hot girl probably enjoys being on her back and uses the flop on the back while holding onto the closest person maneuver to ensnare men into superficial and traumatizing relationships.

USDA Tackles Bear Wrestling

The USDA is set to crack down on Caesar the Wrestling Bear, who is set to fight at the I-X Center in Cleveland today. The government body, which is more widely known for putting milk mustaches on celebrities like Angelina Jolie, is preventing Caesar from seeking lawful employment because of some past indiscretions on the part of his owner in obtaining his license. The issue here is not what the Dairy and Agriculture department is doing dealing with bear wrestling and preventing one from earning an honest wage. Nor is it the unjust treatment of the easily tricked humans coerced into wrestling a bear. The real story is the mysterious absence of PETA.

PETA can show up nude and covered in blood to stage a "die-in" in front of your local J.Crew. PETA can pass out children frightening horror movie style "unhappy" meals in front of McDonald's. But where are they when the animals actually needs them? Who is there to fight for Caesar's right to work and earn a living? If nothing else the organization should be there to cheer on one of its own as Caesar plows through human after evil human, skinning each combatant alive to create himself a nice leather bomber jacket. What kind of animal lovers can they really be if they don't relish the site of bears eating people?

Rulon Gardner, Man of Steel

Congress has recently voted on a new solution to ending the war in Iraq. Send Rulon Gardner over there. Gardner, generally believed to the be fruit of a secret military superman gene manipulation program, has proven himself beyond measure to be indestructible and impervious to death, making him the perfect solution to the Iraqi problem. Gardner first proved his mettle by beating Russia's own militarily engineered superman, Alexander Karelin, who had a previous 13 year string of dominance over American superman program creations. Gardner later proved his immunity to ice and amputation during what he described as a "leisurely walk through the Wyoming wilderness." The Germans then tried to test his mettle by running into him with a car while he was off of his strong foot base and on the relative insecurity of his motorcycle. With that failed attack, the Koreans shot down a plane that Gardner was in this weekend, attempting to either kill him by drowning or by the sharks that they introduced to the waters of Good Hope Bay. Gardner once again proved impervious and is looking forward to his deployment in Iraq, where without a doubt the Iraqi insurgents will try to kill him with blowing sand and dehydration. Hollywood insiders say that a script is in the works based on Gardner's life with the tentative title of Invincible. Rumors swirl that Mark Wahlberg is slated to star as Gardner.