Tuesday, February 27, 2007

SI serves up a healthy dose of Hepatitis

Guests at Sports Illustrated's Annual Swimsuit Issue Release Party expecting to possibly get a case of Hepatitis C from getting lucky with one of the models, were bummed to discover that the only Hepatitis in the mix that night was in the food from Wolfgang Puck's which was laced with type A. Investigators are questioning editors from Maxim and FHM about their whereabouts before the party as they are prime suspects at this point. Also suspected is the always disgruntled Naomi Campbell. No news on whether any models suffered dangerous weight loss as a result of actually eating food for once.

Florida replaces luster with crap

No one knows whether it was the horrifying image of Pat Summit wearing a cheerleader's outfit or the pep talk given by "The Legend" Peyton Manning, but Florida basketball fell for the third time in their last four games after last nights game against the Volunteers. The loses have prompted many local business owners to give up on the team and donate the "2007 NCAA Championship" T-shirts that have already been printed to a local homeless shelter before they become completely valueless. A spokesman from the homeless shelter says they intend to use the shirts as an alternative to toilet paper in the cases in which the drunken hobo bum poo is especially vicious and dangerous. Here's hoping the Gators can take such a soiling both on and off the court.

Pat Summit...Cheerleader?...(Puke)(Vomit)

Pat Summit showed up to Tennessee's men's basketball game last night wearing a cheerleader's outfit and even getting on top of a human period to show her support. I would have posted a picture of the event, but frankly the images were so frightening that the FCC would probably shut me down in about five minutes, but not nearly fast enough to prevent my eyeball from burning as they sit in my sockets. Colonel Sanders and Eazy E would most likely rise from their graves to steal my soul should I ever do such a foolish thing. Take a look at her fully clothed and imagine the possibilities.

Steroid Going Out of Business Sale!

Federal and state narcotics agents raided two pharmacies in Orlando Tuesday as part of an ongoing steroid probe. Gary Matthews Jr, Jason Grimsley, a body building champion as well as loads of high school and collegiate athletes are linked to the pharmacies. News is sure to leak out regarding a specific list of customers of the pharmacy. In the meantime the pharmacies are running a special going out of business sale to liquidate any remaining inventory still hidden from the police. This liquidation will take place in the parking lot of the Arnold Classic this weekend with the hope that the authorities will be so focused on keeping the Governator safe from the mobs of fans that they won't notice what is going on outside on the streets, similar to the NBA All Star Game in Vegas situation.

UFC 68 Preview

Predictions for the weekend's UFC event.

Randy Couture beats Tim Sylvia via submission in the 3rd round. Sylvia might be the most unathletic champion at any level of UFC, simply getting by on scoring points with his long arms and the occasional KO. Even in his 40s and coming out of retirement, Couture will dominate Sylvia on the ground and regain his heavyweight championship.

Matt Hughes defeats Chris Lytle via submission in the 2nd round. Hughes is angry after his defeat at the hands of Georges St. Pierre and will be driven to destroy Lytle. Lytle stands no chance against an angry Matt Hughes.

Rich Franklin over Jason MacDonald via TKO in the 3rd round. Franklin is looking to regain his championship luster after a brutal and savage demolition by Anderson Silva that really did rearrange his face (see video below). No one in the UFC works harder than Franklin and I am sure that he is ready to punish MacDonald, whose only victories are over Ultimate Fighter non-winners.

Drew McFedries defeats Martin Kampmann via TKO in the 2nd round in what is sure to be a brawl between the two heavy handed punchers looking to make a splash in the UFC.

Renato Sobral beats Jason Lamert via submission in the 1st round as the former champion and technical wizard gains a much needed victory.

Matt Hamil defeats Rex Holman via split decision as his world class wrestling skills are too much for Holman.

Livinston gets a case of the bends (in his knee)

Shaun Livingston had a little knee problem last night that resulted in him tearing three ligaments in his knee and likely costing him the 2007-8 season. The video below is not for the squeamish.

Pacman's Guru sure explains a lot

Darryl Moore, convicted drug dealer and one of Pacman's inner circle, weighed in on Pacman's troubles in Vegas to a local news station.

"We gotta slow down, man. We gotta get him focused on football, man. He's
focused on too much other s****," Moore said.

"You know, I was talkin' to him the other day about smokin', and he was
like ‘man, if I didn't smoke I couldn't take all the stress that I'm dealing
with right now,'" Moore said.

"Fisher's being as patient as a m*****f***** as he can. Fisher gotta win.
Fisher trying to win...He ain't putting up with that s***," Moore said.

Wow is all I can really say to that one. When convicted drug dealers are telling you to slow down and lay off of the weed, especially one that probably has his hands somewhere in Pacman's pockets, odds are that your behavior is probably way out of control. Odds are incidents are going to leak about Pacman over the next few weeks that have slipped under the radar of police. What a train wreck Pacman is. I should have included him in the "Crash and burn like Britney" post. Bummer.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Crimson Tide of pestilence and plague

Former Crimson Tide player, Trevis Smith, was sentenced to five and a half years in prison today for knowingly having unprotected sex with two women while carrying the HIV virus. Smith, who played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the CFL from 1998-2005, said that he was simply trying to impart how much the teams he has played for meant to him by giving the girls a "Rough ride of Crimson Tide" that they will remember for the rest of their shortened lives.

Ullrich rides off into sunset.

French cycling champion, Jan Ullrich, retired today, weary of doping allegations surrounding his prestigious career. For those of you not familiar with Ullrich, he can typically be found in pictures of Lance Armstrong as the cyclist directly behind him, both on the course and in the standings.

"I am ending my active career (as a cheater)," Ullrich said. "It's not easy, but you have to listen to the voice inside you (your lawyers) that the time is right (authorities are closing in). It was a good time (how could I come in 2nd five times while cheating!) and I would do it the same way again, even the bad times."

He said he will stay in the sport as a (steroid and blood doping) consultant for the Austrian-based Volksbank team.

Rulon Gardner, Man of Steel

Congress has recently voted on a new solution to ending the war in Iraq. Send Rulon Gardner over there. Gardner, generally believed to the be fruit of a secret military superman gene manipulation program, has proven himself beyond measure to be indestructible and impervious to death, making him the perfect solution to the Iraqi problem. Gardner first proved his mettle by beating Russia's own militarily engineered superman, Alexander Karelin, who had a previous 13 year string of dominance over American superman program creations. Gardner later proved his immunity to ice and amputation during what he described as a "leisurely walk through the Wyoming wilderness." The Germans then tried to test his mettle by running into him with a car while he was off of his strong foot base and on the relative insecurity of his motorcycle. With that failed attack, the Koreans shot down a plane that Gardner was in this weekend, attempting to either kill him by drowning or by the sharks that they introduced to the waters of Good Hope Bay. Gardner once again proved impervious and is looking forward to his deployment in Iraq, where without a doubt the Iraqi insurgents will try to kill him with blowing sand and dehydration. Hollywood insiders say that a script is in the works based on Gardner's life with the tentative title of Invincible. Rumors swirl that Mark Wahlberg is slated to star as Gardner.

Colon shoulders the burden

Bartolo Colon is progressing on schedule in his rehab from the torn rotator cuff he suffered last season. He is scheduled to have his first start in May, if things progress accordingly. Colon is hoping to have his arm strength up to normal levels by that point so that he can display the crowd pleasing fastball that has made him a fan favorite in Anaheim. Colon injured his shoulder as a result of repeatedly using only his right arm to scoop buffet entrees onto his many plates. Colon has since corrected this problem by hiring fellow Dominicans to scoop the food onto his many plates for him, so that he does not risk further injury.

Freak Show

You unlock this door with a key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance. Of things and ideas. You've just crossed into...The Combine Zone.

Imagine a world not unlike our own. A world in which super beings are 6'5", 239lbs, run the 40 in under 4.4 seconds, and have a vertical leap of over 45 inches. A world in which mammoth men grow to 300+ pounds and can run a sub 5.0 40. A world in which 220lb super freaks can leap over 66 inch obstacles in a single bound. That is just what happened to one man when he went to sleep in his own universe, but woke up in Indianapolis...

Duke lacrosse makes triumphant return

The Duke men's lacrosse team made a triumphant return to competition by dispatching Dartmouth 17-11 this weekend after having their 2006 season cancelled amid the accusations of a disgruntled stripper. The Duke program, vindicated both on the field and in the courtroom, looks forward to putting the past behind them and pursuing an NCAA championship. The players celebrated the victory by running the train on a helpless stripper while taunting her with racial slurs and SAT superiority.

Federer breaks Connor's record, excitement abounds

Roger Federer did the impossible this weekend as he vanquished Jimmy Connor's long held record of 160 consecutive weeks holding the top ranking on the Men's Tennis Tour. For the purpose of relevance, this is the equivalent of Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak, Joe Dimaggio's hitting streak, and Pacman Jone's unbelievable ability to hold a job. Tennis fans around the world celebrated wildly by quietly drinking champagne at their local country club while griping about school integration. Casual observers of tennis commemorated the occassion by falling asleep instantly upon hearing the news, marking the event with a special nap taking place while working, driving, and even in one case while tightrope walking.

Tyler Hansbrough has a reason for being light on his feet

Tyler Hansbrough has finally revealed the training secret that has resulted in his remarkably dainty and nimble feet despite being a "rugged post player" with brutish caveman-like strength. It is a simple formula: pedicures. It is something housewives have known about for years as they strove to come up with ways to spend more time walking around malls and shopping centers without putting undue wear and tear on their knees. The logic is simple, the reduction of nail size reduces overall foot weight and the polish adds an aerodynamic surface to increase foot speed. Word on the street is that Maurice Clarett is currently utilizing this technology to prepare for the 2007 Prison Relays, the 2007 Miss Toledo Correctional Institution Pageant, and the private workouts that he has scheduled in 2009 for AFL2 teams and the Cincinnati Bungles.

Wade signs landmark endorsement deal

Dwayne Wade announced a landmark endorsement deal with Pride Mobility, one of the country's leading providers of wheelchairs. In a joint collaboration between Pride Mobility and Converse, a new, more stylish wheelchair basketball model will be designed. The product will be marketed to the urban crowd paralyzed by gang violence and idiotic shootouts, which previously was reluctant to purchase wheelchairs due to a general feeling of uncoolness emanating from current models combined with a general lack of cash flow and credit availability. Pride Mobility agreed to the joint venture only after much negotiation to include a "no crying clause" in Wade's contract stating that he can never again cry in a wheelchair as it reinforces the negative stereotype that people are not happy to be in wheelchairs. The chairs should be available in mid-2008 and are stated to include a sidearm holster and basketball pouch.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Dead Zone

Many, many deaths in the past week. Dennis Johnson hit lead-off, expiring after a heart attack at the end of a NBDL basketball practice, after he had reportedly let his weight rise to 320lbs, far above his playing weight of 182. LaDainian Tomlinson's dad died in a single car accident along with his brother-in-law when the truck they were driving flipped over, expelling them from the vehicle. Zydrunas Ilgauskas lost a set of twins when his wife gave birth to stillborns earlier in the week. Finally Damien Nash died yesterday after collapsing in a charity basketball game, becoming the second Denver Bronco to die this year. It is doubtful that such a series of unexpected and tragic deaths could have even been predicted by the great clairvoyant Christopher Walken. Note: Adrian Peterson's brother also died during the same time period after being shot multiple times over the weekend.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Wild West...Delonte style

In one of the more bizarre girlfriend stories this year (assuming William Green and Andre Rison can stay single for the rest of the year), Celtics guard Delonte West came home from a night of clubbing drama between his girlfriend and sister to find even more headaches. His girlfriend, Caryn Taylor, had come home ahead of him and locked herself in his bathroom, blabbering about how much their relationship meant to her. When faced with this situation in real life, meaning a blabbering girl locked in your bathroom crying and screaming about the value of the relationship, leave immediately. That is the only appropriate response to such behavior. Delonte, failing to heed all common sense and reason, opened the door to find Caryn jabbing shards of a broken mirror into her wrists repeatedly. Caryn later said that she was not trying to kill herself, but wanted to show her commitment to the relationship and display her anger at West's friends and family "picking" on her while they were in town. All of this would have never happened had West never opened that door. If he would have just left, her silly attention getting ploy would never have occurred as there would have been no one to get attention from. She would have cooled down and realized that there was no future for their relationship, packed up all of her stuff, wrote a lengthy apology note, and left a list of referrals as possible new girlfriends. At least that's how I would have seen it happening.

Vic Carucci, finding needles in haystacks

Vic Carucci of NFL.com released his list of the top ten prospects to watch at the combine this week. His stunning insight and hours of research have brought us a list of players that have much to gain from good workouts this weekend, as for many of these players (ie. Adrian Peterson, Jamarcus Russell, and Calvin Johnson), a split second in the 40 could mean the difference between going in the first round or being a fifth rounder. Carucci's list clearly illustrates the differences between professional sports writers and amateur draft bloggers. Carucci, using his years of contacts within the NFL, was able to bring forth a list of prospects that I would wager most college football fans have never even heard of, but have a distinct chance at getting drafted high with a good showing at the Combine. Kudos to Carucci for giving me a few players to pay attention to during the 63 hours of consecutive NFL Network coverage.

Tommy Gunns down AIDS

Tommy Morrison has added AIDS to the lengthy list of opponents that he has defeated in his lifetime. At a glance, such a claim would seem impossible, until you take a look at what Morrison has already beaten in his life: Poverty, child abuse, hillbillyness, Rocky's shadow, George Foreman, Razor Ruddock, a vasectomy, crystal meth, prison rape, and the 650 other actors he beat out to play Tommy Gunn. The list of defeated opponents just goes on and on, but Tommy Morrison just keeps on winning. And now he is the first white man to beat AIDS and just the second male ever (Magic Johnson was the first) to defeat the dreaded disease. How could he do it? It was not that long ago that his T-cell count was down to a drastically low 18 (from a normal level between 500 and 1500), and now, just a few years later, to have no trace of HIV in his system is simply amazing. Tommy credits the strength of his blood (he does have John Wayne in his direct lineage) and a blood exercise program that he designed in prison in which he would gradually trade out his infected blood with another inmate's clean blood, all during regular prison rape style intercourse. To most guys in prison, anal rape is all about fun and play. But Tommy was different. While he had a good time too, he was there to work, and, with a little luck, save his life. Within a few years of following this anal rape exercise program, the HIV virus was completely gone from his system and spread to over 200 other prison inmates. Morrison was clean. Clean and victorious once again. The next opponent on Tommy's fight schedule is his own foolishness and stupidity, which has been one of his main adversaries his entire adult life. But for those of you counting Tommy out in this fight, I wouldn't bet on it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Pacman tastes Redemption.

Starting to lose faith in his talents and contemplating retirement, Pacman Jones came through in the clutch this weekend. Pacman has been hearing the boos from his posse for the past few months, and even he admits that it was starting to get to him.

"You get tired everyday comin' back to ya crib and all you be hearin' is yo'
boys clownin' you, saying you ain't got it no mo. That you done. I was startin'
to believe 'em too. I've been tryin' but I just ain't been performin' like I
know I can."

Facing doubters from all corners and most importantly from inside, Pacman busted out of his slump this weekend and broke his nearly four month long arrestless streak, dating back to 10/26/2006. It almost didn't even happen despite his best efforts.

"All that hard work I did. Slammin' that ho's head against the stage. Musta
been five times. Bitin' that fool bouncer. Havin' my boyz go out blazin' out in
the lot. And still, it almost all went unnoticed. They wanted to bring me in as a witness, 'stead of arrestin' me. I told 'em, check the tape, check the tape, that's all the witness you need. Tryin' to give someone else the credit. That's how life always go. Some other fool tryin' to take credit for what you worked hard for. I'm back.
Don't be talkin' how I fell off. I'm back."

If Pacman's street cred was traded a publicly traded stock, investors could be seeing the beginning of a bull market. Pacman is officially back. Keep your strippers home and off the streets. He's coming and he's bringing the devil with him.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Rhodes makes push to be with Bungles

Dominic Rhodes began free agency with a splash by trying to catch the eye of the team he wants to play for most, the Cincinnati Bungles. Part of a strategy collaborated upon with his agent, Rhodes was arrested after much effort and persistence at 3AM.

"At one point I had to pull into a gas station and get some more Thunderbird. I
was starting to lose my buzz and I wasn't about to let that happen. I get
drunker as the night goes on. I'm a fourth quarter playa.
Marvin! Marvin! I did this for you. All for you."

Rhodes's agent failed to say much except for expressing regret that Rhodes forgot to wear his own Bengals jersey while being arrested. What better way to get ready for the team photo in the fall. Marvin Lewis was unavailable for comment as he was already at Covington Jail taking care of another team matter.

The Glove & Cassell vs. Spanky & the Pony Riders Round 3?

Gary Payton, Sam Cassell, and Jason Caffey have once again defeated Spanky & the Pony Riders, this time in a court of law. Round one saw the trio of NBA players soundly defeat the ensemble cast of strippers on their own home court in front of the club where they danced. Spanky & the Pony Riders were devastated with a series of kicks to the head while on the ground, The Glove's vicious bitch slaps, as well as sticks -and-stones like harsh language. On trial for beating the crap out of a group of male strippers, the trio of NBA players faced off against Spanky & the Pony Riders again, this time in a neutral court of law. Despite a valiant effort that included much sobbing and many tears, the Pony Riders succumbed to the trio's vaunted attack of mean words and high priced attorneys. Disheartened but not defeated, Spanky & the Pony Riders look forward to a rematch as visitors this time, in the home of one of the NBA players at a time and date to be determined. According to Leather Diva, Spanky's right and left hand man, the strippers plan to bring it to the NBA ballers with "stripper gangsta style and flair."

"They won't know when we'll be coming. But they'll know we have by
the white creamy discharge. It will be a painful but tender moment
that none of them will ever forget. I'm gonna give The Glove a taste of a
little more than my backhand"

Here's hoping that Payton, Cassell, and Caffey can hide in the protection of the public eye. Wait a minute? Where's Caffey? I haven't heard from him in a while? Uh oh? White creamy revenge.

Charlie Weis trial conspiracy theory

Charlie Weis's lawsuit against the doctors that he alleges botched his gastric bypass surgery a few years ago was declared a mistrial today. The mistrial was the result of an old man jury member moaning loudly and then fainting (although no evidence of auto erotic asphyxiation was visible at this point). The two defendants in the case (ie the docs that are getting sued by Charlie) then rushed to the aid of the man in front of the whole jury, saving the guys life (maybe) but definitely ruining the case Charlie had against them in the eyes of the jury due to their heroic and selfless efforts. Speculation abounds from anonymous sources that Ron Zook is somehow involved in masterminding the "convenient" situation for the docs. Sources close to Zook say that there is no way that he can mastermind anything, let alone a diabolical plot so deep with intrigue and betrayal. Weis is left with no recourse but to bring the case to trial again, this time keeping an ever watchful eye on the devious Ron Zook lest he recruit an entire jury next time instead of just one member.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Falcons finally bonding as a team

Sometimes in life we get so close to our pets that we start to take on their characteristics ourselves, proving the bond that we have is real. With athletic teams, team unity is highest when players start to take on the qualities of the team's name. When Notre Dame players start getting drunk and growing beer muscles, team unity is strong. When the Minnesota Vikings start chartering boats for the purposes of drunken debauchery and wild orgies, the players are really starting to feel personal ownership in making the franchise successful. When the Browns start playing like poop on the field and living like crap off of it, team bonds just can't get any stronger.

Luckily for the Falcons, it seems as if the offseason is coming together quite nicely. Jonathan Babineaux is starting to feel the call of the Falcon and expressed his urges to hunt prey by killing a dog. New coach Bobby Petrino probably hasn't even met with the team yet and already such displays of offseason loyalty and bonding from a player that wasn't even a captain. I'm sure that Petrino will have his eye on a certain someone when it comes time to pick those captains though. Speaking of team captains, Michael Vick is already talking about rounding up the players for a team bonding event to get them "high" enough to soar through the season like real wild Falcons.

Irvin to make a run for the White House?

Speculation is abounding as to what Michael Irvin might do after his recent removal from ESPN. Many people are theorizing that he will return to the tom foolery that is The Worst Damn Sports Show where he "excelled" before coming to Bristol. Some feel that he might jump into movies full time after his star turn in The Longest Yard. But what few are discussing is Irvin making a run to the White House in '07. Though he hasn't been involved in the seedy underbelly of "politics" in a number of years, he has shown as recently as late 2005 an interest in returning to the lifestyle. What remains to be seen is who would be his "running mate" as his former trusted aide is no longer interested in making a run to the White House. Internet speculation runs rampant that he could pick a much younger running mate in order to attract a younger audience and impart some of his wisdom on someone eager to yearn. Possible candidates include Terrence Kiel, Odelle Thurman, Chris Henry,...hell, anyone on the Bungles.

Turner getting ready to be fired for third time

So Norv Turner's the guy in San Diego. How long until people are making pictures of him like the one above from PFT featuring Marty after the playoff defeat following a 14-2 season. I can't wait to see how long the honeymoon lasts with Turner, who has only won one playoff game and only made it there one season. It might end up being more like a Spring Break Special than a honeymoon as Turner will probably be pitched after a 9-7 season, with the most talented roster in the league, in favor of the better candidates sure to pop up next offseason (ie. Gruden, Holmgren, Lovie Smith, Saban). They'll probably be ready to torch his entrails by about week 6.

Top 5 athletes to crash and burn like Britney

Britney Spears reached a new level of crazy over the weekend by going to a salon and demanding that they shave her head. When the stylists refused to comply, she went ahead and did it herself. After reaching a point where no one is remotely surprised by anything that she can possibly do at this point, it's remarkable to think that only 5 years ago, many people thought that she was the hottest chick on the planet. Wow, what a tumble. Here are the five athletes most like her with the high point and the low point:

  1. Dwight Gooden - Just like Britney, Dr. K was on top of the world at such a young age, winning the Rookie of the Year Award at 19, becoming the youngest to ever win the Cy Young at 20, winning the MLB pitching triple crown (most wins, most K's, lowest ERA), and winning the World Series at 21. A nice start. Then Gooden fell into a world of cocaine, booze, and rape accusations that left him reeling and ultimately resulted in his immense talent going unfulfilled. Main difference with Britney is that she was more popular than Dr. K, but she was never really talented...she was just hot.

  2. OJ Simpson - OJ was America's darling, winning the Heisman Trophy at the nation's premier football factory and then marching into the NFL and becoming the only player to rush for over 2,000 yards in what was then only a 14 game season. He then parlayed his sports career into a very successful career as a broadcaster and a pitchman. He was also a decent comedic actor. Then something inexplicably happen to derail OJ's career. To this day that particular event remains unaccounted for. His fans are still hunting for what really happened to his career. Main difference with Britney is that OJ's career took a long time to fall apart and even was able to retire from one profession and move on to others before everything fell apart.

  3. Jose Canseco - Began things on the right foot by winning the Rookie of the Year and shortly thereafter becoming the first player in baseball history to hit 40 homer and steal 40 bases in the same season. He also teamed with Mark McGwire to win a World Series and later picked one up as a hanger on with the Yankees. His career began a slow decline into irrelevance from a constant stream of bizarre incidents like letting a ball bounce of his head and over the wall as an outfielder, trying to pitch and blowing out his arm, and various domestic violence issues with his wives. After he retired, he further blighted his career by pointing out that steroid were the culprit for most of his success and telling on some other people in the process. Main difference with Britney is that Jose also got to retire from one career before he torched all of his accolades with steroid abuse. The equivalent would be if Brittney had retired and then sent out pre-airbrushed pictures of all of her photo shoots to everyone in the media.

  4. Maurice Clarett - He had a nice two year run by winning the national offensive player of the year award as a high school senior, becoming the first freshman to ever start a game for Ohio State, and leading the team to a national title over a heavily favored Miami team by making a spectacular strip of a game altering interception and then scoring the winning touchdown in overtime. Then he got suspended for taking money from boosters, victoriously sued to enter the NFL draft only to lose on appeal, showed up at the Combine the next year really fat and ran a 4.8+ 40, was somehow drafted after this and negotiated a contract that paid him only in unlikely to reach incentives, was cut before the season after bitching about not starting while being twenty pounds overweight and drinking vodka in the weight room,robbed someone at gunpoint for a cell phone in a town where everyone knows his face, and finally getting stopped by police at the conclusion of a high speed chase in a car filled with loaded guns and a hatchet while drinking vodka. Main difference from Britney is that Mo's career never reached the great heights that hers did, with him only getting a two year run at the top before shooting himself in the foot until it died.

  5. Ricky Williams - He won the Heisman Trophy in his senior year of college and was so sought after by the NFL that Mike Ditka traded all of his draft picks to move up and select him in the first round. Ricky even appeared on the cover of a magazine dressed as a bride to Ditka's groom. He had some good seasons and even made the Pro Bowl with the Dolphins. Then he inexplicably retired on the eve of the season. Later it was discovered that he failed a drug test and would have to sit out a year. He became a hippy and moved to California to learn about some strange Indian herbal medicine garbage. Then after a lawsuit from the Dolphins he came back only to get injured and then fail another test after smoking marijuana. Currently he is in the CFL where there is no drug testing. Main difference from Britney is that though Ricky's collapse was swift and prominent, it lacked the sadness of hers and became simply just a comical pothead trying not to smoke long enough to play football. Ricky probably won't be making porn in five years or in a mental institution either.

But Timmy is really, really sorry Daddy

Tim Hardaway apologized again for saying that he hates gay people. This time he actually acknowledged that he did something "that was very bad." Wow maybe he finally felt the contrition of true remorse after his callous "apology" the week before. Or maybe it was that David Stern grounded him from NBA events and customers said that they didn't want to play at his car wash anymore. Tim had to see that the next step was to take away his GI Joes and he was not going to let that happen. The lesson here: A better apology is always a better deal than loosing your GI Joes.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Tom Brady's luck finally runs out

After an unprecedented run of good fortune, including rising from the 6th round to become a multiple Super Bowl MVP and parlaying his success and good looks into dating Hollywood starlets and supermodels, Tom Brady's luck has officially run out. As reported on PFT, Brady is going to be a father in the next six months and the mother is ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. The kid alone is enough to put a crimp on his bachelor lifestyle, let alone the fact that it happened with a jilted ex that is sure to get a little crazy since she is already pushing 40 and probably can't stand seeing Tommy on the cover of magazines with other chicks. So much for the "women want you, men want to be you" theory. Then again...maybe it isn't so bad being Tommy after all.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Haywood undisputed champion of Wizards

Brendan Haywood taunted the fallen pugilists left in his wake when he declared himself 3-0 and undisputed heavyweight champion of the Wizards. Former opponent Etan Thomas had no comment as he is still recovering from torn dreadlocks as a result of Haywood's devastating cattie hair pull maneuver. Word on the street is the Wizards are looking at bringing in Bob Sapp to both control the boards and "challenge" the paper heavyweight champ that many see Haywood as being. After all the only guy he's ever beaten is a poet, and not even a rugged warrior-poet in the William Wallace mold.

Pippen coming back for one last title?

Scottie Pippen is contemplating a comeback with the Cavaliers or the Heat in pursuit of the one title that has eluded him for so long: Ugliest Player in the League. With Tyrone Hill, Gheorghe Muresan, and Popeye Jones now retired, Pippen's lone competition would seem to come from Sam Cassell. Cassell, however, is a vicious competitor who will not likely relinquish his crown so easily so Pippen would have his work cut out for him.

Kidd proving well rounded game off-court

Jason Kidd, proving his versatility well beyond points, assists, and rebounds, achieved the coveted triple double of extra marital affairs: hooking up with TV reporters, strippers, and cheerleaders. Though well behind Magic Johnson's career triple double total of 138, Kidd still has a shot at overtaking him in the sexual depravity rankings, especially with his looming divorce promising to free him for more "playing time". Kidd promises to get more aggressive with his scoring and to increase his versatility to include more Nets employees and season ticket holders, vowing to do anything for the team. Expect a lot of stats this weekend at the All-Star Game despite the fact that he is not playing.

Franchise Tag Used on Three Players

Asante Samuel of the Patriots, Lance Briggs of the Bears, and Justin Smith of the Bengals had franchise tags applied to them as the start of free agency looms. These players were all vital to each of the respective teams. Samuel and Briggs excel in schemes ideally favoring their skills and attributes. Justin Smith excels in a locker room culture favoring arrests, trashy arm tattoos, and inept front office decisions.

Greg Louganis hates straight people

Greg Louganis, appalled by the controversy surrounding Tim Hardaway, came out with these hypothetical remarks:

"You know, I hate straight people, so I let it be known. I don't like
straight people and I don't like to be around straight people," he said while a
guest on Sirius OutQ 109 Gay Radio. "I'm heterophobic. I don't like it. It
shouldn't be in the world or in the United States, especially around Key West,
Provincetown, or San Francisco."

Tim Hardaway is rumored to be in hiding for fear that the gay community will teach him the true meaning of Killer Crossover.

General Tso targets D-Mat

Daisuke Matsuzaka showed up at Red Sox camp looking like he put on a few pounds. He explained the weight gain by directing all fault to the evil General Tso, who has enslaved many around the world with his cunning flavor and clandestine obesity protocol. Matsuzaka claims to have been targeted by Tso shortly after signing his record deal with the Red Sox. He says things could have been much worse if he hadn't forked over the diet protection money to keep him in the General's good graces.

Kerry Wood wins coveted Mr. Glass Award

Kerry Wood has won the coveted and highly sought after Mr. Glass Award by injuring himself for the 15th straight season, this time by falling out of a hot tub. He was honored at the awards ceremony by previous winners like Sammy Sosa, who won for his sneezing injury, Jeff Kent, who was hurt washing his truck, and Mr. Glass Hall of Famer, Ken Griffey Jr, who was hurt yet again playing with his kids. Wood offered thanks to his parents for his brittle bones and frayed tendons and expressed a sincere desire to one day be included in the Mr. Glass Hall of Fame and surpass his idol, Ken Griffey Jr., who narrowly missed winning the award again this year.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Joe Rogan wants to fight Carlos Mencia

In a world where Maria Sharapova is a UN ambassador, Joe Rogan is apparently much more than a talking head for the UFC. He is a comedian, which is humorous in itself because I've never heard him spout anything remotely funny. Anyway he is in a war with an even unfunnier comedian, good old Carlos Mencia, and it got him banned from the Comedy Store. I would like to see them compete to the death in a three pronged competition involving a UFC fight, a Fear Factor eating donkey poop and deer genitals contest, and a stand-up war. This competition would be funnier and more entertaining than either of them in their entire careers with the added bonus that one of them would no longer be alive afterward.

Maria Sharapova cares about mutants.

Apparently Maria Sharapova is a UN Goodwill Ambassador. I'm willing to wager that she might just be the best looking one too. She had this to say about her endeavors in her homeland:
"My first step is to focus on the Chernobyl-affected region, where my
family has roots," Sharapova said Wednesday during a ceremony at the United
Nations. "Today, it is poverty and lack of opportunities that pose the greatest
threat for young people in the Chernobyl region."
I think that it's not poverty and lack of opportunities that cause the greatest threat, but third eyes, lack of vital organs, and slimy forrest monsters that steal healthy newborns that are the real issue here.

Sports Guy haters fastest growing club.

I can't get over all of the people on blogs who just jump all over Bill Simmons like that is some sort of meaningful outlet for their failed expectations in life. Like this guy who pores over every word of Sports Guy's last article, bashing it for every little inaccuracy or silly hypothesizing. Guess what douchebag, without Simmons you wouldn't be in your Grandma's basement playing World of Warcraft and writing your little blog. The guy was a pioneer and everyone turns on him just because ESPN has made him a millionaire. Mocking him is like mocking a much more successful (and funny) version of yourself.

Lakers into porn and video games

What's not to love about this story. Sounds to me like Mamba, Kwame, and Bynum are just trying to make up for missing the college experience. Phil is being a little ridiculous by saying porn and video games are all that they do. I know for a fact that they make a lot of money, play professional basketball, and Kwame likes to steal birthday cakes on the side.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tim Hardaway Doesn't Like Gays.

Here is an interview Tim Hardaway did with Dan Lebetard earlier today. Sure sounds like he doesn't like gay people. I sincerely hope for him that he never ends up in prison or lives in the Bay Area again. He is likely to get picked up by a pink and pastel colored mobbed, stripped naked, and pounded mercilessly until he dies from rectal hemorrhaging or a ruptured esophagus.

Lebetard: How do you deal with a gay teammate?

TH: Ewww. First of all I wouldn’t want him on my time. Second of all, you know if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him cause I don’t think that’s right and you know he shouldn’t be in the locker room while we’re in the locker room. There’s a whole lot of other things. I wouldn’t even be a part of that but you know, the stuff like that going on, there’s a lot of other people out here like that, that’s still in the closet and don’t want to come out the closet, um, I’ll just leave that alone.

Lebetard: You know that what you’re saying there Timmy is flatly homophobic. Right? It’s bigotry.

TH: Well you know I hate gay people. I let it be known. I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or the United States. I don’t like it.

Ohio State - Penn State "Game"

Before I start this blog I have to point out that there is a high likelihood that Greg Oden is Lebron James's son. How is this possible you ask? Easy. In his thirties Lebron has Oden. At this point Lebron is bored out of his mind with the competition offered by the NBA. He realizes that the only competition for him has to come from his own bloodline. He fathers Oden, possibly with Serena Williams, then spends twenty minutes or so hammering out a time machine. He uses this time machine to go back to the past and leaves super baby with the Odens who are childless and welcome the boy on their doorstep. They raise him as their own and when he matures, a young Oden will provide a suitable rival for James in his prime. Look at their faces. There is no way that this is not true.

20;00 - The horrid snowstorm reeking havoc in the Midwest makes me quite happy that I relocated to the west coast in October. You know the weather is bad when the lead photo is a group of college kids engaged in a savage snowball fight.
19:50 - Announcers point out that Thad Matta is a good recruiter. Perhaps later they will point out that Greg Oden is tall, the ball is round, and that Penn State is located in PA.
19:43 - Penn State opens in a zone, apparently daring Ohio St to shoot the three. I'm smelling 90 points from the Bucks today.
19:19 - A shot of the crowd shows that there are no fans in attendance. Maybe Penn St. will look back and blame the pasting to come on the weather keeping their rabid basketball fans home.
19:03 - Jamar Butler bricks a three off the opposite side of the rim. Talk about a hit or miss shooter. I hope that next year Matta just makes him the sixth man and finally starts Daequan Cook.
18:31 - Butler knocks down a three from the same spot that he just horribly missed from mere seconds ago.
17:21 - At this point OSU has given up a big dunk off an offensive board and not even worked the ball into the lane on offense. Some sharpening up needs to occur before the few fans in attendance get too riled up.
16:17 - After a wide open three by PSU, the Bucks finally try to get the ball into the paint with a failed alley oop to Oden.
15:55 - Apparently some PSU player from Columbus has a big grudge against Ohio State for not recruiting him and really wants to have a big game. Jamelle Cornley is his name. We'll see how that works out for him.
15:26 - Another shot of the crowd reveals that just about everyone is a drunken fraternity guy with Jack Daniels courage that is impervious to the weather. I wonder how much vomit will be in the bathroom urinals at halftime? I wonder how many guys will pass out in the snow and freeze to death. Happens more than you think. I once had a girlfriend that tried her best to accomplish this feat.
15:25 - OSU is on a 9 game winning streak and PSU is on a 9 game losing streak. Something has to give...or maybe not.
14:59 - One of the announcer admits to being crazy about Daequan Cook and being in love with his game. Quite appropriate of Valentine's Day but here's to hoping that those feelings go unrequited off the court.
14:17 - Bucks fail on two consecutive possessions to make the entry pass to Oden in the post. Seems like a point to go over in practice.
14:11 - Cook drops an awesome 3 from behind the backboard in the corner with a guy on him. I'm so glad he's staying for at least another year. Butler better be on that bench next year if anyone wants to believe that the coaching staff has any sense.
13:54 - Matt Terwilliger checks in for OSU, or the 6'8" Opie Taylor as I like to call him.
13:50 - One of the announcer comments that a lot of the time young people think that they are better than the playing time they receive. I wonder if he feels the same way about the games he gets assigned to call.
13:50 - Same announcer mispronounces Opie's name twice. Looks like someone forgot to read the media guide while he was stuck on the tarmac due to the snowstorm.
13:03 - Cook drains another three when Butler actually passes the ball on his way to the basket. Maybe he'll figure out that what happened wasn't a fluke and try that again.
DirecTV crashes on me. What are the odds, first game I blog, CRASH.

Halftime - My signal is back and Ohio St is up 40-19. Looks like I missed some scoring. I wonder how Jamelle Cornley's vendetta quest is going. Maybe he'll poison Oden and Cook at halftime. The two have combined to score one point less than the entire Penn St team.
19:51 - PSU opens with a three.
18:55 - Oden butter fingers another rebound, which I see him do at least 4 times a game. He really isn't that great of a rebounder. Maybe it's because he's Lebron's son. Maybe it's the cast on his hand.
18:02 - A PSU player rips the ball from Conley on a drive and is so surprised to get a steal that he nearly throws the ball out of bounds while trying to hit the lead man.
17:10 - Oden hits again from inside. He is twice the size of the guy "covering" him.
16:43 - An Oden block results in a Conley fast break. I'm betting I'll see a lot more of that this season.
15:50 - Ron Lewis nails a three from the top of the arc. OSU has too many shooter (even if you count Butler) for PSU to play zone. They have no chance athletically to play man. Looks like they should have brought guns.
15:41 - Bill Walton joins the game online as a phone in interview. All I can ask is why.
15:11 - Walton astutely points out that there is no snow in San Diego where he is calling from.
14:59 - Walton states that the best part of college BB is going into another team's arena and stealing their heart with dominant play and making them into your own fans. A little more cutthroat than I'm used to from Walton.
13:48 - Walton rambles about Wooden only wanting star players to shoot the ball. And if they weren't getting the ball, subs would come in and take out the other players. Seems to go against everything I've read about Wooden and team basketball. I'm guessing that Walton is just in love with the sound of his own voice at this point.
13:14 - Alley oop to Oden. Why can't they do that every play? I don't see any reason why that wouldn't work. He gets a garbage tech on him for hanging on the rim for 1.2 seconds. Walton is still on the phone and rambling about something. (note: the tech was from throwing the ball)
12:48 - Walton complains about Oden's left handed free throw form. He's making over 65% as a C with his off hand. What is there to complain about?
12:09 - Walton finds a way to bring the Enron case and the "shafted" victims into this conversation. Don't ask me what this has to do with the game or basketball in general.
11:59 - Walton brags about being made the highest paid player in the history of all sports when he was drafted. Who volunteers stuff like that without prompting? He'll probably bash the lack of humility in today's players with his next breath after he gets done uselessly self promoting his accolades. The announcers state that only Walton could work Enron into the broadcast. Walton takes this as a compliment and finally hangs up.
11:31 - PSU nails a three as the bass from the jackasses living below me rumbles through my floor. What is it with 16-22 year old guys and the need to play bass at obscene levels? Is the bass representative of a need for phallus length? I'd love to see a study done on this.
11:09 - PSU nails another one to cut the lead to 13 after a 12-2 run. The Bucks seem to get bored when they are ahead and let teams get back into it.
10:58 - Butler drops an easy pass out of bounds to give it back. Great way to stop that PSU run Jamar.
9:32 - Oden hits a jump hook with his right from 12ft out. Wow. With the brace on.
7:26 - Cornley gets a bucket inside over Oden. I wonder if his revenge is complete. Can he retire to a normal life in the suburbs? Only time will tell.
7:07 - Oden picks up his 3rd foul. PSU down by 13. Guy in the crown has a sign that says"O$U". Really clever. He must be a satire major. Only guy getting paid on this team is Matta and he needs the money for all the deodorant he needs to just leave a normal existence. He sweats more than I do. That's saying something.
5:40 - OSU jacks up another off the dribble three and misses. PSU 3 makes it an 8 point game. OSU timeout.
4:59 - More bass rumbles through my floor. If I close my eyes, maybe I'll think I'm at the game.
4:58 - Maybe not.
4:19 - Conley tips it away and jets forward to get hammered on his way to the basket. Wow is he fast.
3:35 - OSU jacks up another early 3 and nearly gets it stuck between the rim and backboard.
2:59 - Buckeyes miss a layup in transition off of an Oden block.
2:46 - PSU three. 6 point game. Commercial shows a clip of Dukie V at the Duke-BC game after this one. He is wearing a yellow afro wig and is in the BC student section. How could they let that wolf in sheep's clothing among them? As if he would ever root for anyone but Duke. He is probably poisoning them to keep the crowd noise down during the free throws.
2:20 - The ball is tipped into the back court looking like an easy PSU basket. Until Conley zooms by and scoops up the ball in the blink of an eye.
2:03 - Bucks just miss twice inside from point blank but at least they get the board.
1:39 - Buler bricks from 8 feet out and starts a fast break the other way. 4 point game. I imagine Matta is sweating.
1:13 - Conley hits a floater off of a pick and roll. He is a true clutch player.
0:50 - PSU guy nails an off balance three to make it a three point game. Where did the Buckeyes go the last ten minutes? They sure aren't playing like the #2 team in the country. There will be many drunks in the snow later tonight if PSU can pull off this upset.
0:20 - Stupid Penn St guy fouls Butler and puts him on the line. An 89% free throw shooter, FT shooting is all that he is good at. Should have backed off of him, Butler would have for sure fired up a three. Butler sinks one but misses the second.
0:11 - PSU guy draws foul inside on Oden to get to the line. He makes them both. PSU timeout.
0:10 - PSU foul on inbound putting Lewis at line. PSU guy tried a Divac like flop to draw foul. Lewis misses.
0:03 - PSU guy misses three to win game as time expires. Whew! OSU really escaped tonight. They have to play these guys again next week. Hopefully it turns out better. So much for my 90 point prediction. More like 64-62. Scary that they got so bored that they almost blew it. Cornley actually had the ball down low and could have won it with a make and free throw but instead kicked it out for the three.

Mission of the Donkey Carnival

Welcome to the grand opening of the Donkey Carnival. Fresh fruit and General Tso's chicken is available toward the back left of the room on the buffet table. The mission of the Donkey Carnival is to offer a delightful and preposterous take on the world of sports, traversing everything from the mundane to the obscure, always mindful of mocking the establishment big whigs at ESPN, SI, and the major networks as much as humanly possible. After all people need to be called out for their foolishness. It only helps them improve their craft or, even better, leads to their premature retirements. Enjoy and feel free to mock me as well, only when I deserve it of course. Not simply for trying to take your teenage daughter to prom. I can't be blamed for that.