Monday, January 30, 2012

Angry birds and glory holes.

Why in the hell must the angry birds be everywhere I look?  Why when I'm steaming netflix movies on my roku as a much needed escape from the world can I not too escape the damn angry birds?  Must every product that exists be rebranded with an angry birds edition?  This phenomenon won't seem to stop, let alone slow down, and the birds begin their rise to world domination, sure to culminate with an angry birds themed remake of Hitchcock's horror classic The Birds.  Regardless of what society says, angry birds are the epitome of gay to me.  Truck stop glory holes have a slightly better chance of being less gay due to the infinitely small possibility of a girl being on the other side of that hole.  Angry birds has no such leeway.  Gay to the core.

Hollywood can be worse

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely despise the fact that every movie that comes out these days is a sequel, or a remake, or a redone book where brilliant Hollywood minds change the details that made the book such a success in the first place.  But despite all of that crap, they really aren't ripping the consumer off like they used to in the 70s and 80s.  They really used to just toss any old implausible shit up on the screen and know the idiots would still come see it.  The 70s brought us Joe Namath and Jim Brown headlining movies like they were real actors.  Toss any old singer up there, doesn't matter it will sell.

Anyway I'm on this rant because I woke up to "Across the Tracks" playing the other day, starring none other than Brad Pitt and Rick Shroeder.  Nothing in this abortion makes any sense for even a moment.  First of all they try to pretend like distance runners in this white trash podunk town they're in are the cool kids.  Not just cool, but hardo badasses.  Shroeder came straight out of reform school after all.  Nowhere in the world does such a place exists.  Best case scenario the distance runners are "cool" enough to walk around without getting shoved in lockers and atomic wedgied.  Secondly Brad Pitt is running desperately to get a scholarship to Stanford or else he's stuck at the local community college.  So it's the best academic school in the western USA or a community college?  Yeah, that makes a ton of sense.  I'm sure none of the other 100+ D1 track programs out there can possibly give this kid a look.  One and done.  Yeah I'm sure financial aid is out of the question too.  Last I checked schools were bending over backwards trying to lock kids up into crappy loans and mountains of debt.  In between Brad saves the local citizenry by tossing $5k of nameless "drugs" into the river and the dealers not only show up to fight without any weapons, but the tough guy distance runners smoke them and that's the end of it.  I also learned that drinking two 40s causes a 15+ hour under-a-bridge pass-out.

As much as I abhor seeing Will Smith's gay little kid set up for a whole run of Karate Kid franchises, at least the movies have a quasi-somewhat reasonable plot.  We no longer have to watch utter dogshit where enforcer distance runners take to the streets and clean up the drug trade in a rural shithole.  Until Hollywood remakes "Across the Tracks" of course.

And iphones make society even more deplorable

OhioWant to earn stuff by watching TV? A free app for that is set to debut Wednesday.
When you tap the screen, Viggle’s software for iPhones and iPads listens to what’s on, recognizes what you’re watching and gives you credit at roughly two points per minute. It even works for shows you’ve saved on a digital video recorder.
Rack up 7,500 points, and you’ll be rewarded with a $5 gift card from retailers such as Burger King, Starbucks, Apple’s iTunes, Best Buy and CVS, which you can redeem directly from your device
Awesome. Totally what we need. Create an incentive plan for lazy fatasses to increase their capacities for sloth. Thank you Steve Jobs for enabling this abomination. Ironic given your name. What's the slippery sloped bleak future that results from this? Taco Bell gonna offer rewards points based on me checking in from the bathroom with my ten pound fiesta chalupa scented dump? Couch manufacturers offering discounts for logging hours on the current couch good for use on your lazy train special? Porn channels letting you log viewing hours to acquire points in a "spank bank" that lets you save up to meet your favorite "stars"? Never mind. Scratch my complaints. That's a great idea. Points for dumps, sleep, and flagellation. Life really can't get much better. Progress is an unstoppable freight train.

Lebron comes up "big" like always.

NBA - LeBron James of the Miami Heat’s one-handed, alley-oop dunk against the Chicago Bulls last night is already being talked about as one of the best, if not the best, ever.

Watch as King James comes swooping in from the right corner, catches the alley-oop pass from running mate Dwyane Wade with one hand in mid-air, then slams it down over the Bulls’ posterized John Lucas.

Of course, LeBron’s in-your-face disgrace faces stiff competition in the All-Time category. There was Michael Jordan’s ferocious dunk over Patrick Ewing, John Starks dunking over the Bulls in the same playoff series, Vince Carter’s giant-killing dunk at the Olympics, Julius Erving flying in from the foul line and many others.

What do you think? Does this belong at the top of the all-time dunks list? Or has LeBron himself thrown down better, including some during the Heat’s 97-93 win over the Bulls in Miami last night?

Why doesn't it say ANYWHERE that the guy he dunked on was "listed" as 5'9"???  Lebron is 6'9", 275lbs.  Only he should think him dunking on close to the shortest player in the entire league is the greatest dunk in history.  Jordan dunked on a 7'1" Hall-of-Fame center in his prime.  As big a vagina as Vince Carter is, even his dunk was against a guy that was 7'4".  The point guard at your local accountant basketball league is taller than John Lucas.  Urkel is taller than John Lucas.  Bieber is taller than John Lucas.  Instead of giving bitch Lebron props for dunking on the shortest guy on the court, we should be giving Lucas props for even trying to get underneath the basket on defense to bang with the big boys.  Where was Lebron's bravado when it was time to roll into the lane and posterize Tyson Chandler last year?  Or Kendrick Perkins two years ago?  Or Dwight Howard before that?  Oh yeah, when there's a legitimate large defender inside that's his cue to pass or shoot a fadeaway three.  Fucking pussy.  No heart.  You put Tebow's head into Lebron's body and you probably have the best basketball player in history.  Instead you have this fag who weighs more than almost every single center in the league but wont go inside when someone's there to hit him.  Bitch.

Diva Dwight picks again

NBA - Dare to dream, Chicago. If Magic center Dwight Howard has any reservations about playing for the Bulls, it has nothing to do with sharing the spotlight with Derrick Rose. In fact, the five-time All-Star is open to uniting with the reigning MVP. Approached Friday night in New Orleans after a 26-point loss to the Hornets, Howard shared his thoughts on a long-shot trade to the Bulls. "If I could play with Derrick right now and God wanted that to happen, it will happen," Howard told the Tribune. "It has nothing to do with me not wanting to play with Derrick Rose. I love him. That's my brother." Howard disputed the notion that marketing issues factored into his leaving the Bulls off his initial trade wish list.

Hasn't he already shot down Chicago twice now?  And the Clippers?  And the Warriors?  Dwight's a likeable guy but he's quickly turning into a Lebron level tool about this whole situation.  As big of a bitch as Melo was about his whole thing last year at least he was always set on going to the Knicks.  How can a guy literally change his mind every day?  Just be glad this schizophrenic retard hasn't decided to put together a "Decision" show yet.  Then again.  Scratch that.  He definitely has tried to but his agent quickly shot it down because as self-centered, pompous, egotistical as Lebron looked during his god awful espn special, it would all have come out much worse if he never ended up making a decision and the entire hour was him flipflopping.  That's what Dwight will do.  You have to wonder why a team would even trade a ton of picks and talent to get this guy when his decision making is as stable as his superman cape in the wind.  Indecision is the clearest mark of a championship leader.  

Heating your trailer with small dogs

Minnesota - The Animal Humane Society is caring for 107 dogs and two cats after it helped authorities in northern Minnesota recover the animals Thursday evening from a property where two women lived in feces-littered trailers, the Humane Society said.

The Humane Society’s Kathie Johnson said the incident doesn’t appear to be animal abuse.

“They truly, truly loved the dogs,” she said. “This got out of hand, and there’s no way they can care for 107 dogs on their own.”

The rescued dogs are mostly small breeds, such as pug, Chihuahua, dachshund and spaniel mixes.

I just don't see what the problem is here.  "They truly, truly loved the dogs."  It should be obvious to everyone that the dogs were necessary for survival.  They live in trailers in Minnesota in the middle of winter.  They're obviously broke trash.  They don't have the money to heat two big double-wides like that.  They clearly learned in remedial health class that one of the best ways to prevent hypothermia is by using the body heat of the group to help stay warm.  111 bodies give off way more heat than 2 dumbasses do on their own.  Good move.  Now they're surviving winter.  Probably working on autobiographies describing in detail their intense battle to cling to survival that winter while they passed the time waiting for the snows to thaw and aluminum can season to begin anew.

Facebook IPO gives whiners a voice

CNBC - Reports on Friday suggested that Facebook is preparing to announce an initial public offering Wednesday. The listing is the most anticipated of the decade and could value the company at $100 billion. The firm was founded just seven years ago by Harvard undergraduate Mark Zuckerberg

I know tons of people will make tons of money from a Facebook IPO but it really could be the worst thing ever.  One of the problems with being a publicly traded company is that the share price can fluctuate greatly based on current events and PR backlash from company product changes resulting in drastic maneuvers to combat small temporary share price drops.  Or every whiny pussy on Facebook who cries like a little bitch Cartman every time they make a little change and threatens to quit Facebook will now actually be taken seriously because the share price will drop from day traders and funds looking to make a quick buck on a short dip.  So all those douchebags that start a group like "One Million Strong Against Timeline" or "Get rid of the 'like' button or I am giving up Facebook" will actually be paid attention to by important decision makers in the company.  And as whining is rewarded with attention, more whiners will venture forth to whine and cry for their relevance.  On the plus side, maybe Zucks will be freed up enough to go get a real billionaire's girlfriend.  I don't care how rare an Asian plus sized model is, what's the point of having a girlfriend and a moneybin full of gold if you're popping viagara in your 20s to get it up for the fattie.

In Cinci, everyone's luck runs out

CincinnatiA metal beam fell while workers were pouring concrete on the second floor of what will become the $400 million Horseshoe Casino on the northeast edge of downtown, Cincinnati Fire Chief Dick Braun said. The floor buckled and collapsed, and the workers, who range in age from 30 to mid-40s, fell to the first floor below. No one was underneath the collapse.
Federal agents from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration as well as city building inspectors and firefighters are investigating the incident.

First off, they're building a casino in Cincinnati? I've lived in Detroit for two years of my life and I'd rather be an amateur truck stop gangbang fluffer than live in Cinci. That says something.   Every Midwest city seems to be inline with the casino solution.  Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, and the list goes on and on.  No one is EVER going to pick going on a vacation to one of these abysmal places over Vegas.  I don't care how much Hollywood has gotten into making sequels, Bachelor Party 3: Cincinnati Sunrise is never getting made.  The only people who want to move downtown and live next to a casino are scumbag lowlifes and degenerates, and those types were probably already living there in the first place, making downtown crappy enough that the mayor thought a casino was a great idea.  Hell they were probably already squatting in the abandoned warehouse picked for the casino.  Ridiculously stupid idea that cities keep getting roped into.  I feel like there's a guy going city to city selling casinos like that scheister on The Simpsons selling monorails.  

Secondly, the Horseshoe has a little bit of PR work on their hands.  But as all marketers know, it's all about framing.  They should hurry up and settle the lawsuits and pay out the money and then list the payouts as yet another possible way to win.  "Horseshoe Casino.  Home of $25M Floor Collapse Jackpot.  The more people who come, the better chance you have to win.  The only one in the tri-state area"  Framing equals solutions.