Thursday, March 29, 2007

Lynn University Classes

In light of the recent discovery that Lynn University in South Florida was offering a class called "The Final Four Experience" in which students and professors attended the Final Four, focusing on what goes into putting on a major sporting event. Also included in this sham class is a Georgia Tech baseball game and an Atlanta Thrashers hockey game, which of course are both innately related to the Final Four. The Donkey Carnival decided to take a look at other classes offered at Lynn and came up with some interesting finds.

“The AVN Awards Experience”

Students and professors spend a week on site in Las Vegas at the AVN Award (AKA The Porn Oscars). The first few days are spent researching the local sex culture by visiting the many local whorehouses and strip clubs including the famous Bunny Ranch. Students will be required to know what exactly it feels like to pay for sex outside of a traditional relationship. The next two days are reading/viewing days as students “bone” up on the hundreds of movies up for awards, the biographies of the actors up for awards, and learning the history of porn through the exploits of the AVN Hall of Famers (which is no easy feat given that there are just under 200). Student will be tested on the bios and measurements of the actors and the plots of the films nominated (more than simply saying “the one with the pool guy” is required in this section). The Hall of Famers section will be utilized for the essay questions. The remaining time at the Awards show will be spent interviewing porn celebrities. Each student is required to interview three actors as well as produce one amateur film with one of the entertainers. Bonus points will be given to incorporating Hall of Famers and Best Newcummer nominees into the same film.

“The NAMBLA National Convention Experience”

Students and professors will converge on the SF headquarters of the North American Man Boy Love Association for their National Convention. Spending the weekend among the company of close to one thousand admitted homosexual child molesters is sure to provide a diverse experience that no student will soon forget. The night before the convention begins, each student will go along on a ride-along with a prominent NAMBLA officer. The student will be required to write a “how to” style paper detailing the techniques and strategies behind meeting young boys in the real world and away from the online realm. At the actual convention students will watch NAMBLA recruitment videos, read the new “How to Meet and Attract Young Boys” pamphlets, and listen to a speech from an ACLU lawyer detailing exactly how the US Constitution protects their child molesting club from prosecution but won’t let people bring a bottle of water on an airplane. There will be a multiple choice exam on the videos and pamphlets with the legal presentation as the basis of the essay question.

“The Aryan Brotherhood Experience”

Students spend five days behind bars with the nation’s largest white prison gang, The Aryan Brotherhood. Students will learn what it is like belong to the gang, prison economics, and prison gang organizational management. This class counts as a diversity requirement since the Caucasian population is the minority in the prison system. The class starts with an in depth immersion into the gang including an actual initiation of bloodily slaughtering another inmate and getting an appropriate shamrock tattoo. The next day includes a morning seminar in prison economics in which students will learn how to smuggle objects anally through the prison while making pass offs with visitors from the outside world. This session is followed by an afternoon session of bribing prison guards and properly adjusting the warden’s accounting ledger to hide the income. The next two days are spent learning the workings of the gang’s organizational management system, focusing on learning how the members of one prison communicate and manage members of another prison through notes written in invisible urine ink or somewhat sophisticated code. Also touched on will be an organizational discipline experience in which each student is individually gang raped in the showers by multiple inmates utilizing blunt and sharp objects. Students will be tested hypnotically to make sure that they are experiencing nightmares to verify that the prison rape actually occurred.

“The Bumfights Experience”

Students will immerse themselves in the culture of bum hunting and bum fighting by spending three days with the notoriously crazy bums of San Francisco. When students are finished with the course they will have a thorough understanding of the culture and lifestyle of bums that extends beyond just knowing that they stink and drink. Students accumulate one point for each bum that they kill themselves or two points for coercing two bums to kill each other for objects with a value of less than $5. Bonus points will be awarded to the student with the most imaginative and creative kills. For example a student last year tricked a bum into entering a shower that he had rigged into a Nazi style gas chamber. So creativity is rewarded. Note: For some majors this class may satisfy the school art requirement.

“The Sports Blogger Experience”

Each student will spend five days with a “famous” sports blogger. The class will consist of the student watching the blogger click around furiously on the Internet looking for anything that Deadspin has not put up yet interspersed with the blogger masturbating to homosexual erotica in 30 second clips on a free porn site. The student passes the course by deciding that this lifestyle is ridiculously boring and uneventful and then leaving the class by the third day. Staying past the third day results in an automatic failure because it is obvious at this point that the student has learned nothing.

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