Thursday, March 15, 2007

Jerramy Stevens: Master Strategist

Jerramy Stevens, planning to take advantage of the largest salary cap surplus in NFL history combined with a relatively ordinary free agent class, spent the early part of the offseason carefully formulating a brilliant strategy with his agent in order to maximize his value. Coming off a tough year in which Stevens dropped numerous passes in the Super Bowl and regular season, it was important that Stevens be framed in the proper light during free agency. The best way to do that, they determined, was for Jerramy to get as drunk and high as possible, making sure to keep marijuana in the car for evidential purposes. Stevens then needed to drive around town recklessly until he was pulled over by a police officer. He should inform the officer that he had been drinking just to make sure that Jerramy was not accidentally mistaken as sober. Throw in a dropped cell phone and a stumble or two and the master plan would be complete. Surely every team would come clamoring for Stevens once they realized how truly stupid he could be, and therefore an empty vessel ready to be indoctrinated with a complex offensive system without having to unlearn other useless non-football information. Here's to making a plan and sticking to it.

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