Sunday, April 8, 2007

Brady Quinn Bust Parade

A look at a multiple reality scenario of Brady Quinn going to each team.

1. Oakland - Quinn wins the starting job right out of camp over Andrew Walter, who is to afraid to get back under center and insists that he is more valuable to the team as a holder, and Jeff George, who just "happened" to be hanging around training camp and got a tryout. Quinn is benched by the 6th game after Raider Nation turns on him after discovering his pretty boy Interview Magazine shoot. The situation gets worse when Quinn goes to the players lot to find his gold Volkswagen Jetta impaled with shoulder pad spikes. Quinn immediately urinates himself while breaking into tears.

2. Detroit - Draft Day starts out strangely for Quinn as all of the attention from his selection shifts over to Matt Millen, who committed suicide in the war room after realizing that he failed to draft a WR with the pick. By midseason Mike Martz has tired of all of the hair product Quinn uses and the overly evangelistic tendencies of John Kitna and benches them both, preferring to go with a strapping 22 year old bag boy from the local Kroger. The Lions win the Super Bowl with Kroger Boy winning MVP, despite never playing football before his first Lions game.

3. Cleveland - Quinn is ecstatic at his selection by his favorite team growing up. By game twelve, however, the Dawg Pound has put him through a ridiculous roller coaster ride by anointing him a savior (even making a Brady Quinn BBQ sauce) and then booing him while he is at the children's cancer ward at the hospital. Quinn develops a bipolar disorder as a result and the lithium prescription severely impairs his ability to memorize the playbook. Washed up and ready to give up football, he decides to marry a Playmate and live in Wisconsin.

4. Tampa Bay - Gruden shocks the football world by adding his 5th QB to the team. Gruden insists that each QB will have a specific role to contribute to the success of the team. In a misguided effort to show the coach how much he wants the starting job, Quinn attempts to get to the office before Gruden and leave after he does. After three days of this Quinn is injured in a car crash when he falls asleep at the wheel driving home for his nightly 4:05AM to 5:25AM rest.

5. Arizona - Much to the surprise of Matt Leinart, Quinn is selected. Leinart rebels against the team's Paris Hilton ban and misses game 3 with a raging case of herpes and gonoryphilis, opening a spot in the lineup for Quinn. Brady performs pretty well until the last game of the season in which the Cards must win to make the playoffs. Quinn throws 9 first half INTs to put them down by 54 points. However he leads them back to within a FG at the end of the game, earning praise throughout the media as having tremendous poise in the clutch and comeback abilities.

6. Washington - Daniel Snyder fails in a bid to trade the pick to the Packers for Brett Favre. Snyder picks Quinn with the intention of cutting him the next summer in order to free up cap room for a run at Jonathan Ogden and Emmitt Smith. Quinn ends up spending the season driving Snyder's various cars to the car wash in between picking up his dry cleaning. Brady is demoted to 3rd string after an incident which the club failed to elaborate on that was believed to involve a lack of starch in a dress shirt.

7. Minnesota - Quinn is optimistic about his selection by a team without an entrenched starting QB. He hosts a 4th of July BBQ at his lakefront home to build camaraderie with his new teammates. Things fall apart when Laura Quinn gets a little tipsy and starts putting on a hide the jelly double dong show with one of the strippers that Bryant McKinnie brought as a date. A video later surfaces on the Internet of Quinn getting a lap dance that ends like an embarrassing scene from American Pie, costing Brady millions of dollars in endorsement deals and resulting in a disinvite from future Quinn family holidays.

8. Falcons - Vick is elated at the team's acquisition of another smart white QB to learn the playbook for him and relate all of its vagaries and nuances while he tokes up in other areas of knowledge. Quinn quickly becomes the token white boy in Vick's posse and rises to popularity within the group for his ability to bring contraband past airport security without getting searched and talk to police officers that pull the Escalade over. Quinn insists that he has no idea why he is so much better at avoiding arrest than Vick, saying that it must "just be something [he] was born with."

9. Miami - Quinn opens camp as the starting QB given the lack of competition after Daunte Culpepper is put down and sold to Elmer's for $2.00/lb. Things fall apart in mid-September when a unusually late heat wave (no doubt brought on by Global Warming) results in a particularly vicious sunburn that causes Quinn to miss 9 games and lose the respect of his teammates.

10. Houston - Quinn wins a hotly contested QB battle with the incomparable Sage Rosenfels that is ultimately decided in a crash test competition in which each QB has his durability tested by being launched into brick walls at 35mph to simulate game type situations as a Texans signal caller. By the end of the season, fans are debating whether Quinn is more like a bull or a steer.

11. San Fransisco - The city of San Fran erupts in a joyous celebration of epic proportions when Quinn is selected. The gay community salivates at the thought of Brady swimsuit calendars and blow up dolls with a life-like memory foam anus. Despite a lack of success on the field, stuck behind Alex Smith after all, Quinn becomes the toast of the town, even serving as the Grandmaster of the Gay St. Patrick's Day Parade and having his own statue erected in the Castro district. The statue is eventually encased in glass to prevent further injuries from men attempting to feel what its like to be inside Brady.

12. Buffalo - Quinn immediately requests to be traded due to the lack of a social life in Buffalo. After all there are no Bananna Republics, Starbucks, male salons, Versaces, or laser hair removal clinics in the city. What is a single guy supposed to do for fun in this town?

13. St. Louis - An All-American city welcomes an All-American boy. A match made in heaven. Until Quinn throws out the first pitch at a Cardinals game and overthrows the backstop, killing an infant child sleeping in its mother's arms. Brady breaks down in tears and psychologically is never able to throw again.

14. Carolina - Quinn attempts to fit into the culture of the team by getting into a little bit of the "cream" and the "clear." Brady has a nervous breakdown when the muscle building agents result in horrible acne scarring, effectively ruining his modeling career just as it was getting started. Brady vows revenge on BALCO and becomes a sadistic mastermind going from city to city killing and torturing suspected steroid using athletes. Eventually he is arrested and put on death row, where the prison mail room is overwhelmed by letters of prospective marriage from men and women.

15. Pittsburgh - Chuck Knoll rolls over in his grave even though he has yet to die. Justin Strzelczyk rises from hell to crash his ghost vehicle into Quinn hundreds of times a day at 80mph until he quits the team. Mike Webster's spirit attempts to haunt Quinn as well, but is only able to stare at the wall and drool.

16. Green Bay - Controversy results when Quinn is paralyzed in a mysterious ATV accident on Brett Favre's compound, effectively ending Quinn's challenge to Favre's starting spot before training camp was even over.

17. Jacksonville - Quinn is on track to taking over for the woefully inconsistent duo of Leftwich and Garrard before the fourth game of the season. However misfortune befalls him while giving a speech on leadership and hard work (a Del Rio favorite) that results in Quinn putting an axe through his shin while attempting to chop wood. In an ironic twist, Chris Hansen becomes the third string quarterback and eventually wins the starting job, leading the team into the playoffs.

18. Cincinnati - Quinn spearheads an effort to change the culture of the Bungles by offering to be the designated driver for all automobile and boating excursions. Things go well as Quinn even gets a free Hummer from a local dealership to do the designated driving. Within months however, Quinn develops shoulder tendinitis from frequent driving and constantly buffing out the vomit from the car's exterior every time Chris Henry goes for a ride.

19. Tennessee - After four years of being Vince Young's understudy, Quinn is convinced that he is the second best QB in the entire league, but must wait for his opportunity to play behind Vince. In collaboration with a few local hoodlums, a scheme is hatched in which the hoodlums will fake a mugging on Young and club him repeatedly in the knee until he is unable to play, elevating Quinn to the starting position and the fame and stardom that go with it. The plan fails when one of the local hoodlums happens to be one Pacman Jones, who turns Quinn in, winning his place back on the team.

20. NY Giants - Eli Manning and Brady Quinn become fast friends, even sleeping over each other houses on a nightly basis in the Jeter-ARod tradition. Things get a little bit strange when the two become more than just friends, eventually coming clean with their gay love affair. Tiki Barber supports their relationship in the media, saying that at least it is not a gay incestuous relationship like his and Ronde's.

21. Denver - Brady Quinn struggles to relate to his teammates when he can't figure out why they don't want to ride in his rented limo. He ends up riding the night alone, crying to himself like many nights before, wondering why no one likes him.

22. Dallas - Bill Parcells sits at home and scratches his head wondering why Jerry Jones drafted Brady Quinn when he has a ten year pro in Tony Romo. Jones announces that Quinn will be the marketing QB and Romo will be the field QB in a very unique, unprecedented arrangement. Romo will play and Quinn will utilize his playboy persona to play to the media. The irony is that Romo is such a good soldier that he never says a word when Quinn is the one on all of the posters and he does not have one. By the end of the season, Romo is even wearing a Quinn jersey while he plays to increase team marketability.

23. Kansas City - Everything is going great until the local Indian community discovers that Brady is the great grandson of General Beauregard Quinn. The same Beauregard Quinn that slaughtered thousands of Indians for sport during his zany rugby matches on what would become Arrowhead Stadium field. In a peacekeeping arrangement, Trent Green is reinserted as starter by game 12 and Quinn is sacrificed to appease the harvest gods of the Indians.

24. New England - Tom Brady silently sits in anger in his Manhattan apartment while Gisele and other beauties massage his feet, pondering why the Patriots would short him two years in a row. Last year with the WR that he really needed to put the team over the hump. And this year by drafting a wanna be model like Brady Quinn that can't even hold a goat to Tom Brady. What is Quinn supposed to do? Wait around for 27 years until Tom Brady finally decides to hang it up as a quarterback and become the President of the United States? Sounds plausible to me too.

25. NY Jets - Chad Pennington remains starting QB until Jets lose a game against the Bills in which Chad's last second Hail Mary pass travels only 13 yards. Quinn takes over and is immediately booed after his first snap and after his first victory. The booing only subsided in October for a little bit as A-Rod's struggles at the plate draw attention away from Quinn's success. The boo-birds are back after the Yanks are eliminated and stick around until the season ends in the AFC semifinals.

26. Philadelphia - McNabb raises hell and refuses to allow Quinn to be in any team commercials or eat any of the team's allotment of Chunky Soup. Quinn makes a crucial error and dresses up as Santa Claus before the team's final game. Brady is torn to pieces by a mob of fans. His head is hung on a tree near the Liberty Bell. His golden arm is jammed in a urinal at the Wachovia Center. His chiseled abs are placed in Korea town where they are used as a washboard at an alley laundry place.

27. New Orleans - Saints' coach Sean Payton devises a diabolical two QB system similar to the system employed with Reggie Bush and Deuce McCallister. Brees will enter the game during 3rd down and 2nd and long traditional passing situations. Quinn will handle the duties on 1st down and 2nd and short when it is time to hand the ball off to the Deuce.

28. New England - A massive uproar results in the Commissioner's office when the Patriots refuse to select anyone but Brady Quinn, even when they've already selected him with the 24th pick. A gunslinger style showdown ensues between Belicheck and Goodall. A compromise is finally reached when Quinn is allowed to wear two different uniform numbers during the game to give the illusion that there are two of him available to play. Other teams cannot tell that there is only one Brady Quinn from the Patriots game tape. The Patriots win the Super Bowl.

29. Baltimore - Ray Lewis meets Quinn in New York on Draft Day and gives him a prison style welcome to the team. After a few days of shock, Quinn develops a focus and concentration that are simply unflappable by whatever bad situations arise during the course of a normal non-inmate related game. The Ravens make it to the Super Bowl before falling to the mighty Florida Gators and Joakim Noah.

30. San Diego - Though not a starter, Quinn earns a place in the hearts of his teammates through his vociferous cheerleading from the sidelines. However a botched midair back flip results in Quinn breaking his neck after a brutal fall to the field. He appears to not be paralyzed as he waves a hand as he is taken from the field on a stretcher.

31. Chicago - Things go well until Grossman's first impotent game. After that fans begin calling Quinn the Sex Cannon. Grossman is unhappy and upset. He coerces his sack caddy Kyle Orton into a devious assassination plot involving a magic bullet, a single shot from a rifle, and the Texas School Depository Building. Further questions about the incident should be directed to the Upshaw Commission Report.

32. Indianapolis - Peyton Manning and Brady Quinn get along almost like Brady was a Manning brother. They go to Saturday Night Live tapings together. They film DirecTV commercials together. Peyton puts his naked rectum on Brady Quinn's forehead. Life is as it should be.

1 comment:

Rupert Entwistle said...

Solid work ethic. I was expecting you to use the "he's a sure top ten" angle, allowing for much less thinking and only ten blurbs.