Monday, April 2, 2007

An Epic Greek Battle Between the Gator and Buckeye Armies

A young King Donovan is shown as a gritty youth basketball player, never giving in to superior players and triumphing with guile and wit. As a young adult he is shown leading a regiment of Friars as they slayed larger armies utilizing brilliant battle tactics. Young soldier Donovan is eventually made King due to his fierce competitiveness and battle strategy.

Years later a group of Buckeye messengers arrive at Gainesville, demanding Florida’s submission to King Matta, ruler of Ohio State. Outraged and flabbergasted by their demands, King Donovan kicks the Buckeye messenger down a bottomless pit screaming “Gators” while looking quite ripped in fur covered underwear. The rest of the Gator warriors descend upon the rest of the messengers, throwing them down into the pit with equal zeal.

King Donovan seeks the approval of the Oracle Selection Committee to face the Buckeye hordes, but the corrupt Committee does not approve their request, forcing King Donovan to make a choice between fighting without approval or getting conquered. King Donovan decides to bring a 7 man rotation as a “personal escort” to face the Buckeyes on the field of battle, that way skirting the approval of the Oracles while still fighting the Buckeye hordes. King Donovan has a kinky freaky sex scene with Queen Donovan before he heads off to certain doom against the monstrous giants of the Buckeyes. Along the way to Atlanta, a crippled Gator tries to join the team by his inability to get his hands up on defense forces King Donovan to refuse his offer to help.

The two armies encounter each other on the battlefield in Atlanta. Florida Captain Brewer approaches Buckeye Lieutenant Lewis.

Lewis: Surrender your arms and pledge allegiance to King Matta and your King and men will be given land in all of Florida and reign as generals.

Brewer: Never. We Gators have descended from Spurrier himself. Taught never to retreat, never to surrender. Taught that death in the athletic field is the greatest glory he could achieve in his life. Gators: the finest defenders the world has ever known

Lewis: What of the fate of your women. They will be slaves.

Brewer: Clearly you don’t know our women. We might as well have marched them up here.

Lewis: Fool! Our 3-point bricks will blot out the sun.

Brewer: Then we will fight in the shade!

A fierce battle ensues in which the Gators handle the regulars of the Buckeye army. Alarmed, King Matta counters with a troupe of three elite McDonald’s All Americans that are considered immortal. Donovan’s warriors beat back the immortals behind their own warriors including a ferocious androgynous one with a wild mane and freakish mask of a face that entrances the enemy with his bizarre dance-like gesticulations.

Stunned at the lack of success of his immortals, King Matta send forth his greatest warrior, a large beast like creature twice as tall as any man with a face that could make it 1000 years old. The beast is only known as Oden. The beast tears threw any defense offered by the Gators, nearly turning the tide of the battle by itself. However an awkward stumble causes the Oden beast to stumble, allowing King Donovan to mortally wound him. Matta then gains secret playbook knowledge from the crippled Gator castaway. However King Donovan's brilliant perimeter defense rebuffs this long range attack favored by the sharp shooting Buckeye army, rendering them ineffective.

Though he suffered serious losses, King Matta still seeks a surrender from the Gator forces. King Donovan feigns to kneel in fealty to King Matta. All of a sudden he exposes his brilliant ruse by launching a spear that misses killing King Matta by the sweat of his brow, even knocking the bubble gum out of his mouth and onto the floor. The Buckeye army retreats toward the setting sun as the Gators rejoice by cutting down the net-like standards that the army left behind.

After the battle, the Gators lose many key soldiers to the next level, where warriors live on and play after their time in this arena is done. However they are renewed with the vigor that they can conquer any army as long as the fearless King Donovan does not leave for the city-state of Kentucky.

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