Thursday, April 12, 2007

Pacman Searches the Classifieds


Pacman searches the want ads.

Pool Cue Inspector – Nothing can hamper a good game of pool like a defective cue stick that breaks after only one smack to the back of a human head. Tester needed to assure products meet with company standards and specifications. Must have experience with violently swinging a cue at a prone or unaware victim. Ambidextrous swingers preferred to test product strength from all angles. Competitive salary and product discounts.

Rap Video Stand In Needed for upcoming rap video shoot. Seeking applicants with dreadlocked hair AKA “dreads”, teeth covered with gold dental work AKA “grillz”, and fluent in ebonics based languages AKA “ghetto speak.” Preference will be given to those with existing tattoos, especially one’s featuring dead relatives or friends. Escalade defensive driving course is mandatory upon hiring for filming of shootout/drive by/car chase scenes in video. MANDATORY DRUG TEST. Must test positive to be offered employment.

Police K-9 Patrol Tester wanted. Subject will need to be an elite athlete capable of eluding and evading highly trained German Shepherds through the use of speed and quickness. Applicants should also be able to sprint while carrying up to 3 kilos of contraband within the anal cavity. Experience running from police dogs is not mandatory as training can be provided to quality applicants. Free coffee and donuts available while working.

Film production crew seeking experienced WEATHER CONTROL TECHNICIAN. Film will require the creation of synthetic weather environments including but not limited to creating realistic hail storms, fabricated gale force winds, and a general ability to make it rain. Experience in these areas on a professional basis is required as there is no time to train subjects unfamiliar with the techniques or methodology of the industry. Interviews will be conducted Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Call for an appointment and bring a resume with references.

Cripps seeking entrepreneurial hard working individuals to help expand the nation’s leading gang empire by purchasing a franchise in the newly created West Virginia Expansion Project. Each owner will receive employee training skills from an Original West Coast Gangster provided by corporate. The Original Gangster (OG) will be available throughout the first year of operations as technical support and a general corporate liaison. For an initial investment of $250,000, franchisees can turn a profit in as little as a year if the proper drug and violence mobilization strategy is utilized. Call immediately to meet with corporate officials as the West Virginia area is currently limited to only 5 franchises state-wide. If you’ve dreamed of profiting off of the misery of others, this is your opportunity. Take advantage of it.

SECRET SHOPPERS wanted for local gentleman’s club. Shoppers will evaluate the club on a basis of performer evaluation, staff service, and food quality. Certain Shoppers will be selected to test the crowd control staff by simulating various unruly patron behavior such as attacking the performers, biting club staff members, and firing a weapon into a crowd. Pay is $100/day (available in singles upon request).

Independent security contractors sought to help with the protection of local corner street merchants throughout city, assisting in safeguarding point-of-sale locations throughout city and ensuring delivery of products and money. Requirements include subject having a violent criminal record and being handy with the steel (if you know what I mean). Salary will be on a commission basis taken as a percentage of product sold in contractors specific area.

Do you have gold and diamonds gathering dust in your closets? Put those items to work for you with an instant cash loan at The Quong Chin Lee Family Pawn Shop. All items composed of precious metals or gems are accepted as collateral on loans, even dental work. Certificates of ownership need not be provided as we realize that many things are precious family heirlooms that have been around for generations and as such no longer have documentation. M-F, 10-7pm. Closed on Chinese New Year.

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