Tuesday, April 10, 2007

How to Deal With Fans by Carmelo Anthony

Chapter 1 - Maintain a presence of unapproachability with gaudy jewelry, expensive clothing, and surrounding oneself with large menacing gentlemen.

Chapter 2 - Ignore autograph requests. Only acknowledge those who are responding to one's own demands or make at least 7 figures. Everyone else is wallpaper.

Chapter 3 - Utilize large men under one's employment to swiftly and harshly punish those that would dare speak a disparaging word about oneself. Even slight transgressions should be dealt with harshly. Usually a punch is not enough. A face slam to the ground of a 7-11 may be necessary or even welcomed.

Chapter 4 - If necessary shove a $20 bill into the mouth of the fallen interloper to help him acquire swift transportation to a local hospital.

Chapter 5 - Instruct camera crew video taping one's daily actions for posterity to separate all footage that may be incriminating when shown publicly but hilarious when shown privately in the proper context of water pipes and herbal tobaccos.

Chapter 6 - Never let a snitch live.

Chapter 7 - Above all remember that money and status solve all problems.

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