Cup Check of Death

This is as painful to write about as it was to read. A local Sacramento freshman was injured in a locker room "cup check" gone horribly wrong, leaving the freshman possibly without testicles and the seventeen-year-old junior facing felony assault charges with a nice civil suit sure to follow. The ridiculously powerful "cup check" in question has resulted in internal bleeding and infection. If the testicles need to be removed any surviving sperm must be frozen if the poor kid ever wants to reproduce. He must also undergo daily testosterone shots to maintain his hormonal balance which shouldn't be too hard to locate with Victor Conte and Barry Bonds running around the Bay Area. This is a doubly tragic situation in which one kid faces a life without much sexual activity as a carnival sideshow dubbed "Johnny No-nuts" or some cruel derivative, and the other faces a felony record with the possibility of jail time depending on how things turn out down the road. I'm sure that jail is not a fun place for testicle destroyers.

Scientology to the rescue

Amid noted thespian John Travolta's stunning revelations that the "Church" of Scientology could have saved Anna Nicole Smith from all of her myriad of problems, including multiple drug addictions, alcoholism, nymphomania, and other craziness that is sure to pop up as time passes, officials from major sports leagues are scrambling to find out if Scientology is the answer to some of their troubled players.

According to Travolta, star of near Oscar winner Battlefield Earth, Scientology drug treatment plan Narconon is the solution to these and other problems, with only a little effort and a lot of cash required of the program participant. Narconan is rumored to work by replacing an negative addiction such as alcoholism with an addiction to giving away as much money as possible to the "Church" which is much healthier in the long run for the addict and the financial statements of the organization.

Could this mean that NFL star Pacman Jones could be "making it rain" at the Scientology Celebrity Center soon? It is possible. Reports coming out of the compound already indicate an interest by the San Diego Chargers to move their training camp there.

Millen wheelin' and dealin'

Detroit Lions Pro Bowl CB Dre Bly was dealt to the Denver Broncos today for RB Tatum Bell, OL George Foster, and a 5th round pick. Bly is expected to immediately replace the recently deceased Darrent Williams in the secondary while Bell should provide a fill in at RB for the Lions while Kevin Jones recovers from a broken foot. Millen did caution that the two players could yet be traded again as the team seeks to acquire additional draft picks to be used on tall, unproductive, and fat wide receivers to replace the recently departed ones. Speculation has centered on their interest in USC WR Dwayne Jarrett who is rumored to be just as slow as Mike Williams but still has the frame to put on more weight. Jarrett, however, elected not to workout at the Combine and at the moment his lack of speed is just rumor and has yet to be proven. Other rumors point towards converted QB Reggie Ball from Georgia Tech. However, Ball, though slow and untalented, lacks the requisite height and girth that the team traditionally looks for in its wide receivers.

Cuban rival to purchase Dodgers?

Mark Cuban had better watch out, there is a new billionaire in the sports world. Dodgers journeyman Matt White was recently reported as having in excess of $2B worth of stone in his rock quarry in Massachusetts. Though White is downplaying his soon to be found new found wealth, there is no doubt that he is probably up to something. Speculation abounds as to his future plans but much of it has centered on purchasing the Dodgers, instituting himself as the team's closer by order of the owner, and then inserting a bikini-themed amusement park where the usually empty center field bleachers sit. More to come as this story develops.

Pacman seeking Dream Team.

Pacman has crossed another felony off of his wishlist when he was charged with felony assault of an officer by the Georgia courts. Pacman is confident in his ability to get off with a slap on the wrist from this latest arrest. Sources say he is planning to use his considerable wealth to hire some of the superteam of lawyers, including such notable names as Johnnie Cochran and Robert Kardashian, that helped his boyhood hero, OJ Simpson, avoid double homicide charges in the 90's despite being obviously guilty. Word is the team is trying to spin the attack on the officer as a Rodney King style police beating and is even working on coming up with some "enhanced" video of the scene. Pacman declined to comment on future felonies on his wishlist, but hunting homeless people for sport is believed to be the next in line.

Henry to get Neon Plate Award?

Chris Henry should be making plans to leave Ohio soon, or at least register his car in another state. Ohio is moving forward with a law that would require registered sex offenders to display a bright neon license plate on their automobile at all times to help bring attention to their presence in order to protect minors from further attacks. Henry may not be a registered sex offender yet, but it is likely one of his few remaining goals to accomplish as a Bungle, having come so close after his drunken encounter with underage girls last summer. With Henry's competitive spirit, I am sure that he would require a neon plate on his car before the offseason is over. In other news Marcus Vick is suddenly hesitant about making the move to the Browns to become the teams starting QB and focal point of the offense.

Bonds sent death threats

Barry Bonds is receiving death threats. While that is nothing really new in the world of reviled professional cheaters, where these letters are coming from is a bit of a unique story. After careful mail tracing and surveillance work at mail boxes across the Bay Area, the letters appear to be coming from a combination of Mark Sweeney, Bonds's family, and Barry's own organs. Sweeney is without a doubt disgruntled over the steroid allegations that Barry tossed onto him in the offseason. Bonds's family is most likely angered over a lifetime of Barry's demands around the house, including, insisting that a large leather recliner be his chair at the dining room table. What is surprising is that Bonds's own organs would turn on him. A spokesman for his liver refused comment but these letters are believed to have something to do with Bonds's history of steroid abuse inflicting damage upon his body.